In Latest News: Jack Flacco presents RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION cover reveal.
Since it’s the long weekend here, I thought you’d all like to have some fun with zombies. Hey, who doesn’t want to have fun with zombies? Can I have a show of hands? I didn’t think so. Today’s Monday Mayhem is all about fun. Can you guess why?
That’s right. It’s that time again, folks. It’s time to put your thinking caps on and help me escape the zombies. Are you ready to indulge in some serious undead running? It ain’t gonna be pretty. Not today. How it works: I present a scenario filled with zombies, and your job is to figure out a way to escape. Of course I’ll give you my answer telling you what I’d do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what you would do. That’s up for you to decide. And if you missed them, here are the first four parts: I, II, III, IV.
Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!
Scenario #1: You are sitting on a raft in the middle of a bay surrounded by land on three sides. Two sides have those undead critters wanting to take a bite out of you. Of the remaining sides, one is a small peninsula and the other heads to sea. You haven’t eaten in three days. Do you take a chance and land on the peninsula? Or do you head for sea, hoping the tide will take you to new land? The catch? Within minutes of landing on the peninsula, the zombies can easily chase you.
My Answer: If I have a gun with me, I’ll take a chance. If not, I’ll be too weak from starvation to think straight. In that case, I’d head for sea.
Scenario #2: Chewers have been after you all afternoon. They finally thrust you to the top of an apartment building with nowhere to go but down. Luck’s with you, though. You find a plank lying on the ledges between buildings. It looks as if others have been in this situation before you. When you look over the ledge, ten stories to the bottom, you see the remains of those who once attempted to cross the threshold. Seeing this, do you attempt to get to the other side or do you stay and fight, knowing you might not have a chance?
My Answer: I would try walking the plank to the other side. If I fall, it would be a quick death, which would contrast the slow death caught at the hands of the zombies.
Scenario #3: You’re on a Caribbean cruise when you notice everything around you changing. Some of the passengers are chasing the others, making meat of them. You manage to lock yourself in a cabin with nothing but the door and a porthole to escape. You think to yourself that you’ll survive for the couple of days, but eventually you’ll have to find food. The kitchen is on the floor below yours. You’ll have to negotiate your way through the corridors and hope you don’t encounter one of them. That’s one of the choices. The other? You’re ten miles from shore. You can dive and take a chance swimming. The problem is you’ll be diving in shark-infested waters. What do you do?
My Answer: I don’t know about you, but taking a dive into a shark’s mouth doesn’t sound as appealing as fighting zombies on my way to find food. In other words, let me quote the worn cliché: Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.
Scenario #4: I saved the best for last. Trapped in a city bus with four other people, the undead are banging on the door. If you try to climb through any of the windows, the horde will have their way with you. You have no chance of surviving. Then, an evil idea comes to you. It’s such a rotten idea that you try to push it out of your mind. If you throw one of your friends to the zombies, perhaps the distraction will give you an opportunity to escape. It’s a long shot. Would you?
My Answer: This is an easy one for me. It would be an emphatic no. Then again, if those four other people get the same notion of me, I wouldn’t know what to do.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale October 21.
What would you do?
Looking to God 
Scenario 1: I’d probably be dead, honestly, or close to it, after not eating for 3 days. But if I weren’t, I would take the sea route (possibly the consequence of watching Life of Pi recently). Scenario 2: I’d probably try to conjure Jackie Chan and/or McGyver and climb down the side of the building or find something on the rooftop to help me out . . . fire extinguisher, sheet, rope, etc. If that wouldn’t work, I’d rather die trying to evade and use my brains than to fight, because I would likely not win in a contest of brawn. Scenario 3: Like Captain Kirk, I don’t like the no-win situation, so I change the parameters. I’m thinking there are ducts leading to and from the room for heating and cooling. If so, I try to rip them out and see if I’m small enough to fit in them and sneak to another location on the ship, preferably wherever the emergency radio is. If that doesn’t work, I guess I try to barricade and wait it out and sneak around surreptitiously. While I’m at it, I’m going to try dialing random telephone numbers in adjacent cabins to see if anyone answers (strength in human numbers) and, if no one does, perhaps the sounds will draw the zombies away from my cabin. I’ve never been on a cruise, so I don’t know how ships are laid out, but I’m hoping I can find a fire ax and/or emergency flare (pistol) somewhere along the way. Then, I look for a boat to get off the ship.
Hmm, food for thought, Jack. But that sounds funny. (Food for human thought, not brain-eating!) Scenario 4: Plan A, I’d see who among us could drive the bus. If no one, I’d try it and attempt to run over the zombies. Plan B: I wouldn’t throw anyone to the zombies but if, for example, it was me and children (mine or anyone else’s; if mine, I’d see who could get them out if I had to do plan B), I’d try to figure out a way for them to survive it and since I can be pretty speedy when I need to be — only if the bus driving idea didn’t work — I’d try to outrun the damn things, drawing all of them away (I hope) so the other 3 people could get away! I have a decent level of confidence that I can outrun (and outlast) any zombie, unless one of them is the former Emil Zatopek or something! Plan C: If I couldn’t get out of the bus to draw them away, I’d see if there was anything on the bus that we could use to ignite and/or maybe use a fire extinguisher, lighter, matches, crowbar, knives, etc. to at least take out some of the zombies (if we had to die, might as well take some of the blighters with us — I’m spiteful that way with the undead!).
1. The sea if full of food, I’d try to improvise a rod/line and catch me some dinner. Better to run and fight on a full stomach!
2. Got to try the plank. Like you say, better a quick and relatively painless death, than being ripped apart and eaten alive.
3. If I was Dr Doolittle, and could talk to the animals, I’d take the swim in shark infested water. Otherwise, I’d rather stick with the zombies. At least I can smash their brains in, whereas I have no chance of fending off a shark while swimming in open water.
4. Depends how much I liked them and how useful they are to the group. Every person is another mouth to feed! Sometimes you have to be ruthless to survive!!!
Scenario 1 – I’d go out to see because I’ve always wanted to live on a boat. (Yes, I know it’s a raft, but it’s like a sort of boat with no roof, isn’t it.)
Scenario 2 – Crawl across the plank making sure to avoid the ‘wobble’ when I’m half way across. Or straddle it. Anything other than walk or run.
Scenario 3 – Zombies obviously don’t eat furniture, so I’d get to the kitchens disguised as the bed. In fact, using this lateral thinking I could probably go on enjoying the cruise disguised as a deckchair, bookshelf, salad bar, hammond organ etc.
Scenario 4 – I’d happily sacrifice the others and justify it later. Or, I’d pretend to be a zombie myself. Scaring the bejeesus out of them would force them off the bus, creating the distraction that allows me to walk away whistling quietly.
Get to the kitchen disguised as a bed. Classic.
1. I’d go out to sea just enough that the zombies will no longer sense me. A spyglass would be great to have here because I’d watch from afar until they wander off. I’m assuming that zombies only stay in areas where they sense food. Otherwise, I’d wonder why they were staying by the shore while trying to go to another landing point.
2. I’d take the plank too. One would assume the people fell because they rushed and there’s the chance that others made it across. I’d go nice and calmly then move the plank enough that any zombies who try to cross it will knock it over.
3. Contrary to popular belief, sharks are not as aggressive as we think. Unless I’m bleeding or a frenzy is going on around the ship. If that is the case then I would risk the hallways while armed with some blunt object. Though being on a ship, I doubt I’d make it for very long because there’s really nowhere to go. So I’d eventually try to swim to shore at some point.
4. Depends on the people I’m with. If someone tries to do the same to me then I’ll toss them, probably with the help of the others. I’m guessing the bus no longer works and the zombies are on the roof too.
2. Zombies trying to walk across a plank – Bad coordination. They’d fall & become road kill.
3. Swim for it. If a few zombies followed you, would the sharks go for them ? ZOMBIE SHARK ATTACK – The new movie from Asylum Studios / Sci – Fi Productions. 🙂
4. Zombies have 1 living human trait ( usually ), determination. Sooner or later, a door is going to become unlatched or a window is going to break, then it’s fish – in – a – barrel time. Unless several people have flammable devices, chainsaws or pistols, the people on the bus are like sardines in a tin awaiting snack – time.
2. Hopefully these aren’t coordinated zombies. Damn whoever invented those sprinting bastards.
3. My only concern would be if the sharks are already in a frenzy. I would think they’d go after me though. I’d be moving more while I assume the zombies would sink. Sharks might perceive me as actual prey and the zombies as worthless.
4. It does sound like everyone in #4 is screwed.
They were marathon racers & athletes before they died !
If you weren’t bleeding, you might be ignored, although everything I REALLY know about shark behavior could fit on the head of a pin.
Everyone on thet thar bus ‘gon die. Unless someone is VERY handy at improvising deadly weapons. Hopefully MacGuyver / Mcguyver is a passenger.
Blood just stirs them up. If they see splashing around the blood, they’ll attack thinking it’s a fish or seal. At least that’s my understanding.
You know, nobody said the bus was dead. Why not try to hot wire it?
McGuyver during a zombie attack / apocalypse. I’d become best buds with him REAL QUICK ! He could get a dead engine going with 2 paper clips, a mixing bowl, a couple of lithium power cells & an iPod. 🙂
I wonder if someone has written a McGuyver/zombie crossover.
Funny, but I never got into the McGuyver universe, I just absorbed a lot via pop – cultural references. But if I was stuck on a bus or in a building with a bunch of either against a bunch of growling, lurching undead, like I said, he’s ONE I would make friends with – unless The Doctor ( Who ) was on the bus / in the building, also ( Sonic screw pulverizes zombies 🙂 ). I don’t think there’s been a real Doctor Who zombie story.
I only know of McGuyver through pop culture too. To be honest, it’s the same with me and Doctor Who. Surprised he hasn’t had an actual zombie story.
I’ve watched Doctor Who since they 1st showed the classic series on PBS back in the early 80’s ( because a girl I was dating kept bombing on about it. A lot. ) & to my knowledge it’s been relatively zombie – free. They’ve had every other kind of variation of classical monsters ( Mummies, vampires, Frankensteinish monsters ) except for the living dead.
I caught bits and pieces over the years. Many of my friends are obsessed these days, but I’m not sure if they watched the old ones or are only in it for the new stuff. It’s a strange fandom to witness.
Reblogged this on Rare Films & TV Classics on DVD.
Thank you for reblogging this post, Brian!
Hmm. Scenario Numero Uno : I’d hopefully have a flamethrower or a box of Grenades with me, so I’d go ashore & take my chances. If I died, it would be in a blaze of glory,& I’d take some of the rotters with me.
#2 : Walk the plank. Then find something on the other end to take out some zombies.
Scenario #3 Stay on the ship, maybe find a life raft ( & some shark repellent ) & sneak off the raft later.
Scenario #4 : Find someone who was really, really annoying, & push them out the doors to distract the hungry undead. 🙂
Hi Jack,
Good scenarios as always. Here’s my answers (as always trying to approach the problems laterally rather than head on):
1. Go close enough to the shore of the peninsula to be able to dive down and pick seafood off the seabed. The water should hopefully keep me safe while i harvest things like mussels and crabs from the seabed. It’ll be nasty eating them raw, but better that dying from starvation far out at sea or being eaten by zombies.
2. Try the plank, but don’t try to walk across it, there’s too great a risk you’ll fall. Instead, I’d get down on my belly and crawl across. It would be slow, but there’d be almost no possibility of falling off.
3. If the galley is one floor below me, I’d make as much noise as possible to draw all the zombies to my door (making sure it’s securerd first, of course). Then I would make a rope out of bedsheets and lower myself out of my porthole before climbing on on the floor below so I could get to the food.
4. There’s no point in five people dying, if four could possibly get away at the sacrifice of the fifth, but I wouldn’t throw anyone to the zombies. Instead, I’d do it the way they used to when people got trapped on life boats when ships sank, and draw lots. The loser has to act as zombie bait. Then I’d just have to cross my fingers and hope I didn’t pick the short straw. If got unlucky, I’d live up to my obligations and do the decent thing to help my friends survive (and I hope they’d do the same if they are the loser).
Now that the fun’s over, I suppose i should get back to work (no holiday Monday around here!)
All the best,
Colin
The concept of a zombie amazes me. Do they live forever? Is it like a vampire with eternal life? Is there a real conscious in there or is it like a shark feeding? Can Zombies be trained? Fetch, play catch with and take care of house cleaning? Can they have political leanings and enter the political race? Congress would be made up of Zombies arguing for their rights to chew? Can Zombies reproduce and have normal kids? Do they need gun permits and do they have a dental plan?
Trained zombies – I did see a movie where zombies were fitted with electromechanical prosthetics so they could be controlled & used as ” soldiers “.
Early European lore depicts vampires & zombies as not being very different – They both had the same shambling, shuffling gait, & they looked & smelled bad.
A good spray would go global. Money to be made. A perfume for Zombies. What a concept.
Then they could go out on their date that was arranged by ” Zombie Match.com ” !
Zathra [I started to write Zathras; have you seen him/them on Babylon 5?], you give the coolest answers (and I learn from them, too)!