Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombie What Ifs VIII

Today’s Labor Day weekend is all about fun! That’s right. It’s Monday Mayhem again, folks. It’s time to put your thinking caps on and help me escape the zombies. Are you ready to indulge in some serious undead running?

Arizona Zombie Hunting Permit
Arizona Zombie Hunting Permit

How it works: I present a scenario filled with zombies, and your job is to figure out a way to escape. Of course I’ll give you my answer telling you what I’d do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what you would do. That’s up for you to decide. And if you missed them, here are the first seven parts: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII.

Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!

Scenario #1: You’re in the woods looking for a place to sleep. In an hour, you’ll lose the light and will have nothing but the night to keep you company. You’ve discovered by some of the others who used to be part of your group that you are a loud snorer. In fact, you’re so loud that your entire group fell to the undead because of your obnoxious condition that had alerted a crowd of fly-breaders to your location earlier in the day. You manage to find a cabin. Inside, you also find it cozy if you were to leave the lights off. The shutters will do well with keeping the changed away from the area. Now the dilemma. Knowing of your condition, how will you guarantee to get a good night’s sleep without hinting at where you’re sleeping? Will your snoring be the end of you this time around?

My Answer: Apparently sleeping on one’s side is the best solution. Then again, so is sticking your head under a bucket. I’m not sure if that would help.

Warning
Warning

Scenario #2: Running several miles from a horde on the city street, you don’t notice the manhole ahead as you sprint toward a building. You fall in and injure your leg. You’re knee-deep in sewage and you can’t stand for long. If you stay where you landed, the zombies won’t touch you. It could be the zombies hate the smell of filth coming from the hole. Who knows? At the same time, because you fell into raw sewage, your injury will become susceptible for infection and you might pass out from the stench, thereby drowning in the only place where you find it safe. What are you going to do? Do you climb the ladder, take a chance by running to the building you wanted to get to before you cross paths with the crowd, or do you wait them out, hoping that in the meantime you won’t die in the bowels of the city?

My Answer: Get me out of here. The quicker I get to that building, the faster I can find clean clothes—I hope.

Scenario #3: The store at the end of the road is the only thing keeping the zombies from having their time with you. You duck through the door, lock it tight and run to the back where you find a rear exit. Before you can make it through though, three draggers pile from the entrance and chase you through the aisles as you try to avoid their paws from grabbing a hold in order to sink their teeth into you. Next thing you know, the front door bursts open and the rest of the crowd that was chasing you appear once more, marking their territory with their putrid smell. The way to get out of this alive would be to find a weapon, cut a path though the store and escape through the rear entrance. The only real problem is that it’s a dressmaking shop. Where are you going to find a weapon that would put those miserable rot-bags in their place?

My Answer: I figure a dressmaking shop will have scissors, but with a horde after you, it will take more than scissors to get out of this mess.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE SEARCH FOR PARADISE, on sale October 20.

What would you do?

Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombies Everywhere

Have you ever walked in the dark with your hands leading the way hoping not to hit a wall? Of course, you could be looking for the light switch or better still, attempting to find your way to the fridge. I know I’ve done it. Late night snacks are a specialty of mine. There’s a moment in time, however, when you’re standing there thinking if anyone were to attack me from within the darkness, I will swing as hard and as wildly as I can to maim the intruder.

Milwaukee Brewers Stadium
Milwaukee Brewers Stadium

Have you ever thought of zombies that way?

Let’s take a moment out of Monday Mayhem to talk about the least likely places you would find zombies, as I know I think about this, and well, perhaps others may think the same thing.

Okay, so the darkness would be somewhere you’d find a zombie. Maybe that wasn’t the best example in the world. You gotta admit, it is scary to find one of the rot breeders stalking you as you prepare to have a midnight snack.

How about going further with it? How about a ball game? Do you think you’d find a zombie at a ball game? It is after all a least likely place to find the undead. Can you imagine the home team leading three-two, bottom of the ninth, bases loaded, one more strike and the umpire is ready to call the game? Then, out from the dugout a zombie appears in all its monster glory—pale eyes, bruised face, and an attitude only a zombie slayer would love to put in its place.

It wouldn’t cause panic, but it would sure give the ballplayers the onus to do something about it. I mean, think about it. Baseball bats, baseballs that can fly at about 100mph. No way would a zombie be able to survive in a ball field with professional baseball players.

The Disney Magic in Key West, FL.
The Disney Magic in Key West, FL.

What about a cruise ship? It would give a whole new meaning to the phrase Caribbean cruise lines. You’re enjoying the sunset, taking in the sea air, romance is sparking between you and your other half, then, as quickly as the last ray disappears over the horizon, a groan coming from behind alerts you of something evil heading your way. I’m sure cruise lines have exterior lighting, I don’t know, I’ve never been on one, but wouldn’t you think twice before booking that reservation to that all-inclusive? It would give a completely new meaning to the phrase, “A bad day at sea is better than a good day at the office.”

I would consider that a really bad day.

The last one has to do with commuting. You take the train into the city and discover a foul smell as part of your morning commute. Unlike other foul smells you’ve attributed to that of hitting a skunk or the tinge of diesel in the air, this has the odor of death. When you turn to the entrance of the carriage, you see seated in the last row of the train, a sight you’d rather forget—a zombie of unsuspecting demeanor ready to take the life of its next victim.

On a Monday, no less.

What about it? Where would you least find a zombie appearing in your day?

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE SEARCH FOR PARADISE, on sale October 20.

Where would a zombie scare you the most if it appeared out of nowhere?

Posted in Monday Mayhem

The Roamer

What would you do if one night you awoke to the sound of a zombie ambling through your house? Would you attempt to find and kill it? Or would you run as fast as you could to evade its ferocious appetite?

Zombie in the house
Zombie in the house

Occasionally I ask these hypothetical questions for my Monday Mayhem series as a way to explore what my readers are thinking. I don’t ask these questions all the time, but this week I thought it would be fun thinking through the scenario with the understanding that whatever anyone says, it does not leave this site. We might actually get something done today.

Right. Moving along.

The scenario also works if you hear a zombie at three in the morning moaning in the middle of the hall of the apartment building. The scenario doesn’t need to take place in a house. And, if you’re living in the woods somewhere, well, then you’re free to do whatever you want.

Again, I’ll ask the question. What would you do if a zombie awakens you from your slumber in the safety of your domicile? Would you run? Or would you fight back?

This is what I would do—it’s all hypothetical anyway. I would first find out about the moaning. If it were during a time when the zombie apocalypse has just taken over the world, then I’ll know it’s the undead coming to claim a victim. However, if the zombie apocalypse has yet to spring into action, then I’ll have a number of things to consider.

Things for me to consider will be to understand if the thing in the house was real. It could be that the water tank was making noises again. But if it wasn’t the water tank, then I’m the type of guy who would have to see with my own eyes what was causing the chaos.

Once I’ve determined I can see it, I have to know if I can kill it. Then again, it could be human, and he/she was simply breaking in. Although if the thing was moaning I doubt it would be human. The point being, I want to know if it truly is one of those rot chewers whose life has disappeared in a mangled array of decomposing sinew and tissue. End of my rambling.

If it is one of the undead, then I can’t let it go roaming about the house without doing something about it. As someone familiar with zombies, I have to get it out of my home much like chasing a bat out of the bedroom with a broom. In the outdoors, I can then deliver some heavy Old Testament retribution.

Luckily I sleep with a baseball bat next to the bed. Oh, wait—that was in the other house I was living in. Well, from now on I will be sleeping with a baseball bat next to the bed.

This is my plan: I’ll retrieve my Louisville Slugger, run past it down the stairs and outside to the backyard. If it takes the bait, it’ll come after me. But I’ll be ready for it. All I need are a few quick swipes and it’ll be eating lumber in no time.

Okay, so that’s what I would do. What would you do?

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE SEARCH FOR PARADISE, on sale October 20.

Do you think you can defeat a zombie in real life?

Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombie What Ifs VII

Today’s Monday Mayhem is all about fun! That’s right. It’s that time again, folks. It’s time to put your thinking caps on and help me escape the zombies. Are you ready to indulge in some serious undead running? It ain’t gonna be pretty. Not today.

Canadian zombie hunting license.
Canadian zombie hunting license.

How it works: I present a scenario filled with zombies, and your job is to figure out a way to escape. Of course I’ll give you my answer telling you what I’d do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what you would do. That’s up for you to decide. And if you missed them, here are the first six parts: I, II, III, IV, V, VI.

Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!

Scenario #1: You’re in the middle of a corn field. You see the stocks behind you wafting back and forth and you know that’s not a good sign. Thirty feet ahead, past the logs and trees, is a lake. If you don’t get a move on, you’ll end up as zombie meat. The only way out will be to head for the lake. When you get there, you realize something is swimming in the water. Schools of fish. You think nothing of it until you place one foot in the water. Piranha. Your choice? You either fight your way through a zombie horde or swim to the other side of the lake, hoping the piranha don’t get you first. What do you do?

My Answer: I don’t know about you, but I’d rather fight through a crowd of the undead. Piranha are much too dangerous for my taste.

Do not feed the zombies.
Do not feed the zombies.

Scenario #2: Twenty-three. You’ve counted them twice. Twenty-three. That’s how many of the undead have you surrounded on the roof of your neighbor’s garage. After seeing them on the right, on the left and in the driveway, your only chance would be to make a run across the backyard to the fence on the other side. There’s a catch, though. The jump alone will kill you. If you decide to hang by the roof and drop graciously, you may survive the fall, but by the time you get down there, you may also have zombies on your tail. Will you take a chance and make a run for it? Or will you die a miserable death while thinking of last year’s chocolate cake?

My Answer: I’m not going to starve to death. Every roof has debris in their eavestroughs. I’ll distract them, tossing the debris in the front, then I’ll make a break for it in the back.

Scenario #3: You venture into a general store that contains plenty of goods left to raid. You fill your backpack. When you’ve loaded it to the point you can’t carry anymore, you hear a ring in the front of the store and a shuffle on the floor. You drop the backpack and duck behind the deli counter. Five zombies head your way. You don’t know if you’ve attracted them when you dropped your backpack, but what you do know is you have to get out of there. With only one way out, through the front, your chances of surviving are small. Do you risk your life, make a run for the front door, perhaps leaving your backpack behind? Or will you sit tight, hoping they’d all go away?

My Answer: For this one, I thought of sitting tight. But then I thought every deli has a set of steak knives. I can do a lot of damage with a set of steak knives.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.

What would you do?

Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombie What Ifs VI

Since it’s the middle of winter here in Canada, I thought to warm things up we’d have fun with zombies. Hey, who doesn’t want to have fun with zombies? Can I have a show of hands? I didn’t think so. Today’s Monday Mayhem is all about fun!

Zombie Hunting License
Zombie Hunting License

That’s right. It’s that time again, folks. It’s time to put your thinking caps on and help me escape the zombies. Are you ready to indulge in some serious undead running? It ain’t gonna be pretty. Not today. How it works: I present a scenario filled with zombies, and your job is to figure out a way to escape. Of course I’ll give you my answer telling you what I’d do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what you would do. That’s up for you to decide. And if you missed them, here are the first five parts: I, II, III, IV, V.

Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!

Scenario #1: In the middle of the street, 50 chewers have you surrounded. You have a knife, but how long do you think you’ll last before one of them takes a bite? Next to your feet, a manhole sits open. You think a construction crew must have been working in the sewers below when the change took place. You have a decision to make. Will you stand and fight, taking your chances that you might die trying. Or will you drop into the manhole, in raw sewage, not knowing what awaits you below?

My Answer: A group of 50 chewers seems a bit too much to fight all on my own. I’ll take my chances in the manhole.

Zombie Warning Sign
Zombie Warning Sign

Scenario #2: You’ve jammed a knife under a door preventing zombies from breaking into your basement bathroom. You climb the sink and can reach the window overhead, but it’s sealed shut. The only chance you have is to break the window and climb outside to ground level. You realize, though, a few things can happen. If you break the window, shards of glass may remain in the frame, therefore gutting you as you attempt to escape. Also, breaking the window can alert other undead to your location up above. The other option is to sit in the bathroom and wait—this may lead you to starving yourself to death. What do you do?

My Answer: I’d rather starve than gut myself trying to escape.

Scenario #3: You have a gun strapped to your waist and a knife hanging from your neck as you dangle on a rope several feet from a horde. With their arms stretched toward you, it will only be a matter of time before they grab you. Above is the hole in the warehouse’s ceiling from where you came. Another crowd of eaters is waiting for you there. What’s the solution? Go up, you die. Go down, you die.

My Answer: It’s a warehouse, I’m sure I can swing my way out of it.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.

What would you do?

Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombie What Ifs V

In Latest News: Jack Flacco presents RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION cover reveal.

Since it’s the long weekend here, I thought you’d all like to have some fun with zombies. Hey, who doesn’t want to have fun with zombies? Can I have a show of hands? I didn’t think so. Today’s Monday Mayhem is all about fun. Can you guess why?

Zombie Hunting License
Zombie Hunting License

That’s right. It’s that time again, folks. It’s time to put your thinking caps on and help me escape the zombies. Are you ready to indulge in some serious undead running? It ain’t gonna be pretty. Not today. How it works: I present a scenario filled with zombies, and your job is to figure out a way to escape. Of course I’ll give you my answer telling you what I’d do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what you would do. That’s up for you to decide. And if you missed them, here are the first four parts: I, II, III, IV.

Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!

Scenario #1: You are sitting on a raft in the middle of a bay surrounded by land on three sides. Two sides have those undead critters wanting to take a bite out of you. Of the remaining sides, one is a small peninsula and the other heads to sea. You haven’t eaten in three days. Do you take a chance and land on the peninsula? Or do you head for sea, hoping the tide will take you to new land? The catch? Within minutes of landing on the peninsula, the zombies can easily chase you.

My Answer: If I have a gun with me, I’ll take a chance. If not, I’ll be too weak from starvation to think straight. In that case, I’d head for sea.

Zombie Warning Sign
Zombie Warning Sign

Scenario #2: Chewers have been after you all afternoon. They finally thrust you to the top of an apartment building with nowhere to go but down. Luck’s with you, though. You find a plank lying on the ledges between buildings. It looks as if others have been in this situation before you. When you look over the ledge, ten stories to the bottom, you see the remains of those who once attempted to cross the threshold. Seeing this, do you attempt to get to the other side or do you stay and fight, knowing you might not have a chance?

My Answer: I would try walking the plank to the other side. If I fall, it would be a quick death, which would contrast the slow death caught at the hands of the zombies.

Scenario #3: You’re on a Caribbean cruise when you notice everything around you changing. Some of the passengers are chasing the others, making meat of them. You manage to lock yourself in a cabin with nothing but the door and a porthole to escape. You think to yourself that you’ll survive for the couple of days, but eventually you’ll have to find food. The kitchen is on the floor below yours. You’ll have to negotiate your way through the corridors and hope you don’t encounter one of them. That’s one of the choices. The other? You’re ten miles from shore. You can dive and take a chance swimming. The problem is you’ll be diving in shark-infested waters. What do you do?

My Answer: I don’t know about you, but taking a dive into a shark’s mouth doesn’t sound as appealing as fighting zombies on my way to find food. In other words, let me quote the worn cliché: Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.

Scenario #4: I saved the best for last. Trapped in a city bus with four other people, the undead are banging on the door. If you try to climb through any of the windows, the horde will have their way with you. You have no chance of surviving. Then, an evil idea comes to you. It’s such a rotten idea that you try to push it out of your mind. If you throw one of your friends to the zombies, perhaps the distraction will give you an opportunity to escape. It’s a long shot. Would you?

My Answer: This is an easy one for me. It would be an emphatic no. Then again, if those four other people get the same notion of me, I wouldn’t know what to do.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale October 21.

What would you do?

Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombie What Ifs IV

If you’re new to Monday Mayhem, you’ll appreciate that I not only delve on the dark side of zombiehood, but also on the lighter side. And if you’re one of those folks who’s been reading me for a while, then by today’s title you’ll recognize where I’m going with this post.

Zombie Hunting License
Zombie Hunting License

That’s right. It’s that time again, folks. It’s time to put your thinking caps on and help me escape the zombies. Are you ready to indulge in some serious undead running? It ain’t gonna be pretty. Not today.

How it works: I present a scenario filled with zombies, and your job is to figure out a way to escape. Of course I’ll give you my answer telling you what I’d do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what you would do. That’s up for you to decide. And if you missed them, here are the first three parts: I, II, III.

Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!

Scenario #1: Zombies have trapped twenty of your friends in the school gymnasium. The evil maggot bags are slamming against the door trying to get in. Your friends have barred the only entrance with a fire hose wrapped around the handles. They have minutes before the horde makes them meat. You’re alone in the hall on the opposite end, unarmed. Do you save your friends?

My Answer: My answer to this question will always be yes. At the same time, I’ll try to find something I can use to defend myself. If anything, I’ll try to draw them outside, giving my friends a chance to escape. Call me noble.

Zombie What Ifs IVScenario #2: You’re on a boat and you’ve run out of supplies. You have to get back to shore, but the undead have overrun the docks. If you land, you might as well say good-bye. What do you do? Do you take a chance at docking? Or do you attempt to sail to another port?

My Answer: Not knowing where to find another port will deter me from looking. Then again, I can try fishing to see if I can catch my dinner without sharks eating me. I’ll probably search the coast for a place where I can dock, then look for fresh supplies. This is a tough one.

Scenario #3: Your car ran out of gas in a small town. A service station rests two miles down Main Street. It’s dusk and soon you will not know what the evening will bring. Your passengers are shivering with fright. The two-mile hike is not far, but you’re afraid if you make the journey, your passengers will fall into the hands of the undead. Do you stay in town for the night; hoping shelter will provide the safety you need before dawn? Or do you take a chance, make the trek to the service station and when you return you hope to find the car and the passengers in one piece?

My Answer: I don’t know about you, but I’ll try to find a place to rest until morning, then I’ll make the journey to get gas in broad daylight. If anything, I want to see what will attempt to make me into a brunch dessert before I flee.

Scenario #4: On foot, you’re alone, running from the horde. You come across a bridge. Perfect. But you wonder if you cross it, will there be another horde on the other side waiting to turn you into its dinner. You take a chance, you cross the bridge. Halfway, another crowd of zombies appears at the opposite end of the bridge, just as you had suspected. What do you do? Do you turn back and take a chance hoping the original horde is not as gruesome as you might think? Or do throw yourself off the bridge to the water below, not knowing if the impact alone will kill you?

My Answer: I’d take a chance and go for the plunge. I’d rather die upon impact than to slowly waste away in the jaws of devouring zombies.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale October 21.

What would you do?