humor – Looking to God

Michael Scott

Posted on January 27, 2016January 24, 2016 by Jack Flacco

He’s the boss no one really wants. He’s the guy who we try to avoid during parties. He’s the one who comes up with brilliant ideas only to backfire in the most miserable way. To whom am I referring? Michael Scott, of course. And Michael Scott is this week’s Wednesday Warrior.

I’ve been binge watching The Office episodes on Netflix lately. I can’t get enough of the show. It has fast become one of my favorites, not only because of its ridiculously talented cast but also because of the awkward moments each episode presents and how the characters make you squirm in your seat hoping the situations would never happen to you.

Part of the cast is Steve Carrell who plays Dunder Mifflin‘s branch manager Michael Scott. As crazy a character as you might think Michael is, he actually means well.

So he may be a tad crazy at times, but that doesn’t mean he’s the worst boss in the world. Just misguided. With all that goes on at his branch, or rather, with everything he puts his employees through, Michael should have had a pile of resignations on his desk long ago. Surprisingly, with every weird and wacky idea he comes up with, he manages to survive unscathed.

How does he do it? How does he serve up one cringe-worthy moment after another and live to tell his story?

I mean, how can I forget the time when he was planning to jump off his building into a blowup castle usually reserved for kids’ birthday parties, all in the name of safety? Or how about the time he organizes a beach party requiring everyone to walk across a bed of burning coals? That really went well. Or the time when he gave out golden tickets as coupons for free paper. I won’t tell you how that went.

Michael Scott certainly is brilliant. And yes, I may be saying it sarcastically but he’s proven repeatedly that he can still pull a rabbit out of a hat and surprise everyone. I’ll reference the fifth season’s episode Broke. I’m not going to get into the details for fear of spoiling it. In that episode, though, he is the boss everyone wants. He wasn’t cringe-worthy. He wasn’t embarrassing. He acted like a real boss who had thought things through right to the very end. Like I said, I can’t tell you about the episode, but I was pumping my hands in the air celebrating his awesome win.

Then, as unbelievable as it is, Michael has his moments when he shows his soft side. He’ll sit with his employees, lending an ear to all their problems. He quickly becomes the most sensitive human being on earth. Big kudos goes to Steve Carrell for being able to bring Michael Scott to life. Had anyone else played him, I’m sure the character wouldn’t have had the impact on the show as it did.

Whatever anyone thinks of Michael, whether his is the biggest buffoon, or the smartest guy in the room, he knows how to call his troops to action. Even if he sometimes appears misguided, his enthusiasm is infectious enough that others will go ahead and follow him. Few people in this world possess that talent.

But you know something? What I like most about Michael is that he makes me laugh. And that is the biggest reason I watch The Office.

Get the Ranger Martin trilogy now!

Have you watched The Office? Who is your favorite character? Do you like Michael? Why? Why not?

Wednesday Warriors

Raymond Barone

Posted on November 18, 2015November 17, 2015 by Jack Flacco

A lot of folks will disagree with me for choosing this lovable television character as a Wednesday Warrior. After all, he doesn’t strap on a shotgun to kill zombies, nor does he sport a muscular physique that would deter criminals from robbing banks, nor is he some kind of superhero ready to save the planet from alien invaders. He’s simply Ray Barone (Ray Romano), the father of three growing kids and the husband to Debra (Patricia Heaton), the woman who does it all.

Everybody Loves Raymond's Cast — Everybody Loves Raymond’s Cast

If you haven’t watched Everybody Loves Raymond before, then let me summarize the show with one word–family. That’s it. Nothing more, nothing less. It’s all about family.

When I first began watching the show back in the early 2000’s, I thought Raymond was nothing more than a wuss. He complains a lot. He fixates on insignificant things an ordinary person would dismiss as minor. And, in some miserable but lovable way, he’s annoying. In other words, he’s the typical dad with all the bad habits intact, including watching TV when he should be out doing the lawn.

Which reminds me, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Ray cut the lawn, despite the perfectly shaped hedges and manicured plants. Then again, he could have a service do the job for him. He is a sportswriter, therefore he can splurge on the nice things in life while everyone else slogs away at holding the line on the family budget.

Ray Romano and Patricia Heaton as Ray and Debra

As I’ve mentioned earlier, the show is about family. What family wouldn’t be complete with the parents living across the street? They appear when Ray and Debra are eating, sleeping, taking showers, taking the kids to school, cleaning, working, painting and in between all the other little errands that make up The Barone’s ordinary lives. Without Frank (Peter Boyle) and Marie (Doris Roberts), Ray and his family would be normal, but then there wouldn’t be a show.

Ray’s brother Robert (Brad Garrett) also plays a part in driving Ray crazy. He shows up at the most inopportune time always asking the question “Is this about me?” If you thought Ray has a problem with a mind for detail, Robert has him beat. If he’s eating, he touches his chin with his food. The habit stacks up next to all the other bad habits he has, like overthinking things, moping around the house without a girlfriend, and having a hidden crush for Debra, Ray’s wife. Of course, he’ll never admit it, but that’s another element to Robert’s character that makes him endearing to the audience.

As for Debra, I’ve always said this to my friends–she reminds me so much of my wife. She’s strong-willed, tough and incredibly intelligent. The other thing about Debra is that no matter what happens with Ray, the screaming matches, the fights, the slapstick humor, Debra loves Ray with all his flaws and all his little quirks intact.

But then there’s Ray. I can’t say much more about Ray except he’s your typical father trying to make it in today’s world with an above average income and a family who he loves very much. Is he a wuss? Sometimes. But as annoying as he can get, Ray’s heart is with his family. That’s what’s important above all else.

Get the Ranger Martin trilogy now!

Have you seen Everybody Loves Raymond? What do you think of Ray?

Freedom Friday

Superstitions

Posted on November 13, 2015November 12, 2015 by Jack Flacco

Are you superstitious? Does a black cat crossing your path frighten you? What about stepping under a ladder, does that make your insides tremble? Have you ever broken a mirror and thought, “Great, that’s seven years of my life down the drain?”

Of all the Freedom Fridays that could cause someone to think twice about leaving the house, today being Friday the 13th doesn’t help. Do you know that in Italy, the number thirteen is actually good luck? If you were born on a thirteenth, you’re extremely lucky.

Seriously, though, where did all this belief in good and bad luck come from?

I have a theory. When don’t you have a theory, Jack? All right, all right. You’re right. I have much too many theories. Hear me out on this one. I think by the end of it you will agree I’m not far from being wrong. At least, that’s what I think.

Can you find all the superstitions? [Photo: Jeanne Carmen]

Let’s start with the black cat. Now, I don’t know where the belief of a black cat crossing someone’s path being bad luck came from, and I’m too lazy to look it up. I’m sure it has to do with a coven of witches, a boiling cauldron, and too much time on someone’s hands. I don’t know. But you know what I think? I think some unfortunate soul way back in the later part of the last millennium was taking a walk at night—sorry, an evening constitutional—and met with a black cat. Without warning, a piano fell on him and he died on impact. A witness saw the whole thing and told two friends. It quickly spread throughout town that because of the black cat crossing the man’s path, he died from his injuries. Poor guy, eventually, as the story made its way through the ages, it changed to only include the black cat and bad luck.

Yes, I really believe that. Maybe.

Okay, Jack, what about stepping under a ladder? Good question. Again, many centuries ago, a witness saw a woman having her evening constitutional, blah, blah, blah, she walked under a ladder and as she stepped into the clear a piano fell on her. Coincidence? I think not. The witness told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on. Throughout the centuries, the story became leaner until someone decided it sounded better to simply say that walking under a ladder is bad luck.

Ha, and I’m sure you’re thinking about a broken mirror bringing bad luck for seven years as unexplainable. Well, I have an explanation for that, too. I believe there was a family in some turn-of-the-century town somewhere in the world that just was in the wrong place at the wrong time. One day, the father of six children broke a mirror in his bathroom. As soon as he stepped from his home, a piano fell on him and his wife, leaving the children orphaned. A cousin took note of the tragedy and spread the news about the broken mirror, the piano and the dead couple. Soon after, seven years in total, each of the children had pianos drop on their heads. Strangest thing. One of the victims was on a boat to America when the piano fell on him, sinking the boat and everyone else aboard. Another was sitting quietly in a park when out of nowhere a piano fell on his head. It was awful, just awful. The story eventually made the rounds but somehow all anyone could remember was not to break a mirror in order to avoid seven years of bad luck.

My theory? I think there’s a conspiracy to hide the origin of the celestial pianos. Honestly. That’s why we have so many superstitions. It’s a ploy for the populace to focus on the meaningless as a way to avoid looking up. After all, if we’re not looking up, we can’t see the pianos coming.

You don’t believe me? Walk under a ladder.

Get the Ranger Martin trilogy now!

What do you think? Do you believe in pianos falling from the heavens?

Freedom Friday, Other Things

The Decision

Posted on September 25, 2015May 9, 2017 by Jack Flacco

You’re gonna think I’m strange. In fact, you’re not only gonna think I’m strange, but you’re also gonna think I’m just plain weird. I wouldn’t blame you. If I were you, I’d think the same way. I mean, I typically have a high regard for the decisions I make. I don’t make them in a rash manner. I think about things. I ponder the consequences. And sometimes, I’m slow to act in order to gain the benefit of the doubt.

I gotta tell ya, though, for this decision, I dropped the ball.

I know what you’re thinking, “Hey, Jack. For Freedom Friday, don’t you usually write about things that are on your mind? What could be so terrible that you feel you can’t talk about it?”

Good question.

Here’s the thing—a few weeks ago I cancelled cable.

Yeah, I know—big step.

Okay, so maybe I’m exaggerating when I say it was a big step. You have to understand the context from where this decision came. I cancelled cable and got Netflix.

Yikes! And here we go?

“You mean you’ve never had Netflix? What’s wrong with you? Have you been sleeping under a rock? Aren’t you a guy who likes growth? Netflix? You couldn’t afford Netflix? Where have you been?”

Okay, okay. I got the message. Yeah, I’ve been living my life in a box stuck on a shelf. Smack me.

But I have it now. That’s what counts, right?

Good.

Listen, this isn’t an ad for the service. I’m not going to get a commission or anything mentioning Netflix on my site. But know this—why hadn’t I subscribed to the service earlier? It’s great!

Let’s see, I can choose my shows and add them to a queue, which I find really cool. I can search for movies I’ve wanted to watch but never had the time to fully appreciate. The service makes recommendations based on my viewing habits. It even goes so far as to separate my watch list with those of the other members of my family. They’re not into zombies. That’s a good thing, right?

The best part about the service, and I’m not exaggerating here, is its ability to remember where I left off with a program I was viewing. By far, this has to be the one and most useful feature of the service.

I can begin watching Star Trek: The Next Generation from my TV in the family room, pause the program and continue watching the show on the TV upstairs in our bedroom. Then, if I want, after dinner I can pick up from where I left off on my phone at the kitchen table.

You might consider this a “meh” moment, but you gotta realize I’ve come out of the 20th century by getting rid of cable. Cable, folks. You know—where you only get twenty-eight channels and the best you can come up with for entertainment for the night is some guy balancing a chair on his face while someone’s sitting on it playing a rendition of Ride of the Valkyries on a clarinet.

Anyway, that’s what happened with me these past few weeks while I prep my upcoming book for release on October 20.

What have you been up to?

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE SEARCH FOR PARADISE, on sale October 20.

Have you tried Netflix? What do you think of the surface? It is all that you thought it would be?

Freedom Friday, Other Things

Distractions

Posted on September 18, 2015May 9, 2017 by Jack Flacco

An amazing thing happens when I cut distractions from my life. I write books.

A long time ago, I used to be a Twitter junkie. I couldn’t go two minutes without checking my newsfeed. Somehow, I found someone tweeting about their latest experiment with Mentos and coke fascinating. My DM feed was worse. It became a hodgepodge of ads from folks who wanted me to check out their offers for the latest diet fad, the most affordable bank loan or the cure for the ebola virus.

Facebook had me scrolling through reams of baby photos, birthday greetings, wedding announcements, graduation congratulations, college tuition woes, car crash images, death notices—you name it, I was there. And what would a newsfeed be like without the required charity pitch? California didn’t seem dry last summer when folks were pouring buckets of ice water over their heads.

It doesn’t end on the social networks either. Visiting a news site required me to install ad-blocking software on my browser to prevent me from clicking on related articles dealing with cooking, time management, of all things, and anything else you can imagine as taking an extra few minutes of my day in a senseless pursuit of useless facts.

Now that's a big oops. — Now that’s a big oops.

Add the hours I had spent surfing online “researching” favorite dog toys or best practices in lawn manicures—you had yourself a dull Jack.

Humor aside, it didn’t take long for me to change once I realized I had fallen into a spiral of mediocrity. At the time, I wasn’t writing nor was I thinking about anything that I was doing. I was going with the flow. Surfing. Not ruffling feathers. And any other cliché you’d like to stick in there to illustrate being trapped in the throes of everyday life.

Once I tallied the amount of time I was actually spending with the distractions, I had no choice other than to confront my time-wasting ways.

What happened? I changed. Just like that.

How? Simple. Imagine taking a vacation every week and that vacation turns into quality time with family, friends, and to pursuits that you’ve always put aside because you felt you’ve never had the time to enjoy them.

Now, imagine if you will, actually acting on that idea.

That idea is about taking one day and dedicating it to none other than yourself. Scary, huh? Pretty terrifying, don’t you think? Guess what? It is scary. It is terrifying. How can one do that with the bills to pay, the kids to shuttle back and forth, the meals to prepare, the laundry to wash, and the shopping to bring home? How? Theoretically, it’s impossible.

And you know what? It is impossible.

But once I had decided I needed a change, to cut the distractions, and live a more productive life away from the online world, all of a sudden I had time to do anything. Those little slivers in between tasks where I would have sneaked a tweet, read a Facebook entry or pressed a like button had disappeared, replaced by a meal with the family, a trip to my kids’ recital or simply a talk with someone I love.

That one day in the week I’m now disappearing from the online world has become the day I look forward to the most.

By the way, don’t forget today and tomorrow are the last days to pick up your FREE copy of my first book Ranger Martin and the Zombie Apocalypse from Amazon. It’s my gift to everyone who has stuck with me for the past three years, putting up with my banter while I lost my mind writing the conclusion to the Ranger Martin trilogy due out October 20.

What about you? Do you dedicate a day away from the online world? Are you thinking about if?

Monday Mayhem

Zombie What Ifs VIII

Posted on September 7, 2015September 4, 2015 by Jack Flacco

Today’s Labor Day weekend is all about fun! That’s right. It’s Monday Mayhem again, folks. It’s time to put your thinking caps on and help me escape the zombies. Are you ready to indulge in some serious undead running?

How it works: I present a scenario filled with zombies, and your job is to figure out a way to escape. Of course I’ll give you my answer telling you what I’d do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what you would do. That’s up for you to decide. And if you missed them, here are the first seven parts: I, II, III, IV, V, VI, VII.

Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!

Scenario #1: You’re in the woods looking for a place to sleep. In an hour, you’ll lose the light and will have nothing but the night to keep you company. You’ve discovered by some of the others who used to be part of your group that you are a loud snorer. In fact, you’re so loud that your entire group fell to the undead because of your obnoxious condition that had alerted a crowd of fly-breaders to your location earlier in the day. You manage to find a cabin. Inside, you also find it cozy if you were to leave the lights off. The shutters will do well with keeping the changed away from the area. Now the dilemma. Knowing of your condition, how will you guarantee to get a good night’s sleep without hinting at where you’re sleeping? Will your snoring be the end of you this time around?

My Answer: Apparently sleeping on one’s side is the best solution. Then again, so is sticking your head under a bucket. I’m not sure if that would help.

Scenario #2: Running several miles from a horde on the city street, you don’t notice the manhole ahead as you sprint toward a building. You fall in and injure your leg. You’re knee-deep in sewage and you can’t stand for long. If you stay where you landed, the zombies won’t touch you. It could be the zombies hate the smell of filth coming from the hole. Who knows? At the same time, because you fell into raw sewage, your injury will become susceptible for infection and you might pass out from the stench, thereby drowning in the only place where you find it safe. What are you going to do? Do you climb the ladder, take a chance by running to the building you wanted to get to before you cross paths with the crowd, or do you wait them out, hoping that in the meantime you won’t die in the bowels of the city?

My Answer: Get me out of here. The quicker I get to that building, the faster I can find clean clothes—I hope.

Scenario #3: The store at the end of the road is the only thing keeping the zombies from having their time with you. You duck through the door, lock it tight and run to the back where you find a rear exit. Before you can make it through though, three draggers pile from the entrance and chase you through the aisles as you try to avoid their paws from grabbing a hold in order to sink their teeth into you. Next thing you know, the front door bursts open and the rest of the crowd that was chasing you appear once more, marking their territory with their putrid smell. The way to get out of this alive would be to find a weapon, cut a path though the store and escape through the rear entrance. The only real problem is that it’s a dressmaking shop. Where are you going to find a weapon that would put those miserable rot-bags in their place?

My Answer: I figure a dressmaking shop will have scissors, but with a horde after you, it will take more than scissors to get out of this mess.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE SEARCH FOR PARADISE, on sale October 20.

What would you do?

Monday Mayhem

Zombie What Ifs VII

Posted on April 20, 2015April 21, 2015 by Jack Flacco

Today’s Monday Mayhem is all about fun! That’s right. It’s that time again, folks. It’s time to put your thinking caps on and help me escape the zombies. Are you ready to indulge in some serious undead running? It ain’t gonna be pretty. Not today.

Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!

Scenario #1: You’re in the middle of a corn field. You see the stocks behind you wafting back and forth and you know that’s not a good sign. Thirty feet ahead, past the logs and trees, is a lake. If you don’t get a move on, you’ll end up as zombie meat. The only way out will be to head for the lake. When you get there, you realize something is swimming in the water. Schools of fish. You think nothing of it until you place one foot in the water. Piranha. Your choice? You either fight your way through a zombie horde or swim to the other side of the lake, hoping the piranha don’t get you first. What do you do?

My Answer: I don’t know about you, but I’d rather fight through a crowd of the undead. Piranha are much too dangerous for my taste.

Scenario #2: Twenty-three. You’ve counted them twice. Twenty-three. That’s how many of the undead have you surrounded on the roof of your neighbor’s garage. After seeing them on the right, on the left and in the driveway, your only chance would be to make a run across the backyard to the fence on the other side. There’s a catch, though. The jump alone will kill you. If you decide to hang by the roof and drop graciously, you may survive the fall, but by the time you get down there, you may also have zombies on your tail. Will you take a chance and make a run for it? Or will you die a miserable death while thinking of last year’s chocolate cake?

My Answer: I’m not going to starve to death. Every roof has debris in their eavestroughs. I’ll distract them, tossing the debris in the front, then I’ll make a break for it in the back.

Scenario #3: You venture into a general store that contains plenty of goods left to raid. You fill your backpack. When you’ve loaded it to the point you can’t carry anymore, you hear a ring in the front of the store and a shuffle on the floor. You drop the backpack and duck behind the deli counter. Five zombies head your way. You don’t know if you’ve attracted them when you dropped your backpack, but what you do know is you have to get out of there. With only one way out, through the front, your chances of surviving are small. Do you risk your life, make a run for the front door, perhaps leaving your backpack behind? Or will you sit tight, hoping they’d all go away?

My Answer: For this one, I thought of sitting tight. But then I thought every deli has a set of steak knives. I can do a lot of damage with a set of steak knives.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale now.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale now.

What would you do?

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