In Latest News: Jack Flacco presents RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE jacket reveal.
Since today’s a long weekend for most of North America, I thought I’d take it easy on you and play a little game of zombie what ifs. The way it works is I give you a scenario and you tell me the solution. It’s more like a “What if you see a zombie in the street staring at you, what do you do?” type of thing. I figure we all need a break from my regular analytical Monday Mayhem posts and what better way to do that than to enjoy some dark humor.
Are you ready? Let’s go!
Scenario #1: You’re in your kitchen. A zombie walks in brandishing its yellow-stained teeth and measuring you for its next luncheon. It slowly creeps toward you with hunger in its eyes and a drooling mouth. There’s no way out. What do you do?
My answer: Grab a fork from the utensil drawer, poke its eye out, and while it’s wailing in misery, run past it.
Scenario #2: You’re in a long hallway with two zombies chasing you to a dead end. You have one bullet in your gun. What do you do?
My answer: I’ll attempt to line them up and hope one bullet will pass through both skulls.
Scenario #3: You’re staring at your friend through the window of a gas station as two zombies surround him ready to pounce. He has a gun, but he’s out of bullets. Your gun is the same make and model as his, and your bullets fit his gun. What do you do?
My answer: Crash in there and shoot the crap out of the offending beasts. Anyone who messes with my friends messes with me.
Scenario #4: You’re alone with a zombie. There’s a shotgun in the middle of the room on the table. The zombie is one of those fast zombies. No matter what you do, it matches your moves and can even climb the table if you let it. One door in the background is your only escape. It’s smart, and it will chase after you if you even think of escaping. What do you do?
My answer: If I go for the gun, it might attack me. If I go for the door, it might tackle me and I will probably not make it. Right now, I don’t have an answer.
Scenario #5: Your friend is hanging on to dear life from the edge of a cliff. If you don’t rescue him soon, he’ll lose his grip and plummet one hundred feet to his death. One problem, though. A horde of zombies is marching toward you. There’s a road to escape on your right. What do you do?
My answer: This is a hard one. If you stay behind to help your friend, you may lose your life by becoming the main dish of a zombie feast. If you take off on the road to freedom, you’re leaving your friend to the gnawing jowls of the undead. Like I said, this is a hard one. Even I don’t know what to do in this predicament.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Do you have any scenarios you’d like to share?
17 thoughts on “Zombie What Ifs”
Thank you for liking “Undead Love.” I enjoyed reading this post. Your zombie scenarios are clever and challenging, and I am also impressed by the clever and creative responses of the other people who have commented on this post. Keep up the good work! 🙂
Thanks for the mention!
I’ll save the last bullet in case I get bitten, I don’t want my people getting killed by my zombie self.
Here’s my answers (I’ll admit I’ve gone for novelty over reality, but it’s just for fun, isn’t it?):
1. Spill a bag of frozen peas on the floor and run like hell when he steps on them and falls on his ass!
2. Shoot out the chain holding the chandelier to the ceiling so it falls on them, killing both (okay it’d have to be a very posh corridor but I’m picturing something like Buckingham Palace here).
3. Shooting the zombies is too much of a risk – I’m a bad shot and might hit my friend. Instead I’d shoot out a fuel pump, causing it to explode. That should be enough of a distraction for the friend to get away.
4. Flip the table at the zombie so it rotates around its central axis. Get it right, the shotgun will fall onto the floor and the table will land between it and the zombie (try it, it works!). Grab the gun. Game over.
5. Jump off the edge of the cliff, grabbing the friend as I pass, then pull the chord on my parachute soon enough to float safely to the ground. Didn’t I mention the reason we on a cliff edge in the first place is that we were base jumping?
Everything I write is for fun! 😉
1. Very creative!!!
2. I was thinking more of a dark corridor, but a chandelier would work.
3. It should also prove to your friend that you’re insane! lol
4. Good one! I was wondering if anyone would flip that table over!
5. Yeah, I couldn’t figure for the life of me where the parachute came from!
#4: distract the zombie with a flapping shadow puppet bird while you approach the table. Squawk very loudly, then grab the gun and blow his head off. Works every time.
Shadow puppets are highly underrated.
Agreed, shadow puppets are completely underrated!
Shadow puppets for the win !!! This made me laugh out loud. Alternatively, you could just become completely engrossed in your Blackberry and stagger around ignoring what’s in front of you, like the rest of the zombies seen walking around on Bay Street, and the brain-hungry hordes wouldn’t give you a second glance 😉
Bay Street? Are you telling me you work around there?
1. Share my sandwich if it’s that hungry then send it into the bathroom with a spare toothbrush.
2. I don’t run, I save my energy to beat them down with the butt of my gun thus saving the bullet in case they manage to bite me.
3. Yeah I’m thinking crash in and start shooting.
4. Step to the table and feint towards the gun, he makes a grab for me and I pull him across the table top and repeatedly smash is face into the wood. Pick your teeth up and shuffle off you undead punk! (I’m getting all excited now!)
5. Do you remember that clifftop scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid…?
A great #4! Love your scene. Ha, and yeah, I remember that scene in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid!
Visions of “300” on that last one. Thanks for posting these, lots of interesting scenarios!
!. every kitchen has a butcher knife 2.shot the first zombie and pistol whip the second,,3.It depends on how good a friend he is, but I would go in shooting, 4.run towards the table, slide under and as the zombie goes over the table, reach up and grab the gun, 5.lead the dead away from my friend, then double back to rescue him.
I think your #4 is an amazing solution. Even #5 sounds great!
For that last one I would head to the cliff so the zombies follow and when they fall off use them as a bridge grab friend and run back up cliff. I can see that working lol.
Yes, I can see that working, too!