undead – Page 4 – Looking to God

Zombie What Ifs V

Posted on September 1, 2014September 2, 2014 by Jack Flacco

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Since it’s the long weekend here, I thought you’d all like to have some fun with zombies. Hey, who doesn’t want to have fun with zombies? Can I have a show of hands? I didn’t think so. Today’s Monday Mayhem is all about fun. Can you guess why?

That’s right. It’s that time again, folks. It’s time to put your thinking caps on and help me escape the zombies. Are you ready to indulge in some serious undead running? It ain’t gonna be pretty. Not today. How it works: I present a scenario filled with zombies, and your job is to figure out a way to escape. Of course I’ll give you my answer telling you what I’d do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what you would do. That’s up for you to decide. And if you missed them, here are the first four parts: I, II, III, IV.

Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!

Scenario #1: You are sitting on a raft in the middle of a bay surrounded by land on three sides. Two sides have those undead critters wanting to take a bite out of you. Of the remaining sides, one is a small peninsula and the other heads to sea. You haven’t eaten in three days. Do you take a chance and land on the peninsula? Or do you head for sea, hoping the tide will take you to new land? The catch? Within minutes of landing on the peninsula, the zombies can easily chase you.

My Answer: If I have a gun with me, I’ll take a chance. If not, I’ll be too weak from starvation to think straight. In that case, I’d head for sea.

Scenario #2: Chewers have been after you all afternoon. They finally thrust you to the top of an apartment building with nowhere to go but down. Luck’s with you, though. You find a plank lying on the ledges between buildings. It looks as if others have been in this situation before you. When you look over the ledge, ten stories to the bottom, you see the remains of those who once attempted to cross the threshold. Seeing this, do you attempt to get to the other side or do you stay and fight, knowing you might not have a chance?

My Answer: I would try walking the plank to the other side. If I fall, it would be a quick death, which would contrast the slow death caught at the hands of the zombies.

Scenario #3: You’re on a Caribbean cruise when you notice everything around you changing. Some of the passengers are chasing the others, making meat of them. You manage to lock yourself in a cabin with nothing but the door and a porthole to escape. You think to yourself that you’ll survive for the couple of days, but eventually you’ll have to find food. The kitchen is on the floor below yours. You’ll have to negotiate your way through the corridors and hope you don’t encounter one of them. That’s one of the choices. The other? You’re ten miles from shore. You can dive and take a chance swimming. The problem is you’ll be diving in shark-infested waters. What do you do?

My Answer: I don’t know about you, but taking a dive into a shark’s mouth doesn’t sound as appealing as fighting zombies on my way to find food. In other words, let me quote the worn cliché: Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know.

Scenario #4: I saved the best for last. Trapped in a city bus with four other people, the undead are banging on the door. If you try to climb through any of the windows, the horde will have their way with you. You have no chance of surviving. Then, an evil idea comes to you. It’s such a rotten idea that you try to push it out of your mind. If you throw one of your friends to the zombies, perhaps the distraction will give you an opportunity to escape. It’s a long shot. Would you?

My Answer: This is an easy one for me. It would be an emphatic no. Then again, if those four other people get the same notion of me, I wouldn’t know what to do.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale October 21.

What would you do?

Monday Mayhem

Zombie Apocalypse: Pentagon Action Plan

Posted on August 4, 2014August 3, 2014 by Jack Flacco

If you’re thinking the title to this Monday Mayhem post is too outlandish for even the wildest of fiction, think again. The Pentagon has a plan of action in place to quell a zombie uprising, should it ever hit American soil. This, coupled with the fact that the U.S. Military’s involvement with such an operation could constitute an admission that zombies do exist, should make readers wary of such a plan. After all, zombies aren’t real, right?

Details of the plan came to light with a May 16, 2014 article posted on CNN going by the title Pentagon Document Lays Out Battle Plan Against Zombies by Jamie Crawford, CNN National Security Producer.

The document, simply known as CONOP 8888, provides the U.S. a response to a zombie apocalypse, should a zombie apocalypse ever occur. Of course, the plan is part of the military’s emergencies and catastrophes training, and part of that training contains language suited more for an action movie.

Here are some of the highlights:

During the design of CONOP 8888 in the summers of 2009 and 2010, training squadrons from USSTRATCOM (United States Strategic Command is one of nine Unified Combatant Commands of the United States Department of Defense (DoD)) found the zombie survival plan provided useful information to participants who sought direction in key initiatives against the undead.
The document retains the “Unclassified” moniker to ensure maximum exposure to those seeking a way to combat zombies.
Part of the fictional Contingency Planning Guidance (CPG), the USSTRATCOM has developed the plan’s objective as threefold: “1) Establish and maintain a vigilant defensive condition aimed at protecting humankind from zombies. 2) If necessary, conduct operations that will, if directed, eradicate zombie threats to human safety. 3) Aid civil authorities in maintaining law and order and restoring basic services during and after a zombie attack.”
CONOP 8888 also provides extensive background information regarding defensive and offensive operations against the zombie horde, including, but not limited to engagement.

Part of the document explores assumptions about the enemy threat. For instance, since every dead human can become a zombie, every human casualty represents a potential increase to the undead population. In turn, “the only assumed way to effectively cause casualties to the zombie ranks by tactical forces is the concentration of all firepower to the head, specifically the brain. The human brain will still be functioning in the zombie state, but it is universally agreed that the only part actually active will be the brain stem.”

Of all the assumptions documented, this is the biggest one of all, “Because accurate intelligence related to zombies will be hard to obtain using traditional methods, planners will have to assume worst-case scenarios derived from popular culture references (books, movies, comic books) to adequately model zombie threats.”

In other words, if the internet is still around, this website will be one popular stopover for USSTRATCOM. Who knows, perhaps they’ve already archived this post for future use against the undead.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale October 21.

What do you think of the Pentagon’s zombie action plan?

Monday Mayhem

Zombie Kill of the Week II

Posted on July 14, 2014July 13, 2014 by Jack Flacco

Given the past few Monday Mayhem posts have been on the serious side, I thought I’d lighten the mood today. Instead of talking about diseases, viruses, and pork and beans for dinner, I figure I’d make fun of those dratted zombies and see how much I could get away with. Don’t expect any literary brilliance or anything educational. I’m just going to sound off about what makes me happy. And that’s killin’ zombies. That’s right folks. I’m going to talk about my all-time favorite ways to kill zombies.

I really hope you haven’t eaten anything recently. Let’s start from the very beginning. I ordered them from least to greatest, placing emphasis on the most outrageous kill as the last item on the list.

[Disclaimer: Written with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Please don’t be an idiot and try any of these with humans. It’s not only stupid, it’s illegal. You will go to jail. Okay?]

10. Shooting a zombie in the head—Nothing quite comes close to putting a bullet in a zombie brain. Big bonus here is the splatter patterns behind the wall when said bullet penetrates the undead cranium. Not only do you get a dead zombie on your hands but also some very cool artwork to boot.

9. Spraying kerosene over a zombie and setting it alight—What does every living creature fear most in this world? Yep, you know it. Fire. Kerosene to the face of an oncoming undead creature will temporarily blind it. But lighting a match, will be like the Fourth of July all over again.

8. Throwing a zombie off a cliff, watching the impact crack its skull—If anything, this has to be the most fun anyone can have with a zombie. Easiest way to do this is grabbing it by its lapels and tossing it in one fluid motion. The kicker is watching the evil demon burst into a puddle of juices when it hits bottom. Where’s David Letterman when you need him?

7. Smashing a zombie’s head with a crowbar until everything’s covered in goo—Getting medieval on zombies deserves a better rep. This has to be the messiest of the lot. Just make sure you’re wearing a raincoat when caving in the undead’s intellect. Nothing’s worse than having a laundry basket full of dead stuff stuck to fibers.

6. Jamming a screwdriver into a zombie’s temple until it collapses—As easy as it sounds, it’s not. You’re in close proximity with the undead more than any other situation. Best using that screwdriver while standing. If you’re lying down, you’ll have to deal with the drip. Not the most pleasant of situations for a would-be zombie slayer.

5. Decapitating a zombie with a souvenir confederate sword from the American civil war—You want to talk about fun? This is it. You’ll find these heirlooms hanging around garage sales, and you’ve always wondered what you’d do with them. Well, here’s your chance. These suckers are perfect for zombie beheadings. If you can’t find a confederate sword, a samurai sword will do just as well. Aw, heck. Any ol’ sword or knife will do the trick.

4. Strapping a zombie into a car and ramming it into a brick wall—This is the hardest to do. Have you ever tried restraining a zombie? Not easy, let me tell you. You’ll need brute force strength and lots of gumption to get the job done. But once that liver eater’s in the car, there’s nothing much it can do. Best use a rock to hold the accelerator down. Then, watch the fun. If you have several to get rid of the same time, you can shove them all in and call it a joy ride.

3. Driving an ice pick through the zombie’s mouth, severing its spinal cord, thereby rendering it dead—Much like the screwdriver idea, this one is more personal. You’ll once again need to get real close. The best part about it is if you miss the mouth, you can always go for the eye.

2. Clamping a zombie’s head in a paint mixer, watching it spin—I don’t think I need to explain this one. Let’s just say the undead will never walk straight again.

1. Running over a zombie until every ounce of unholy breath expels from its maggot-filled lungs—That’s right. This is the grudge solution. You have a mechanical beast at your disposal and the undead in front. Aim and drive. You don’t even have to do this with a car. You can use a bus, a dump truck, a jeep. The bigger the vehicle, the more of a mess it will be.

This post is based on Zombie Kill of the Week. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, it does.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale October 21.

What scenarios would you like to share?

Monday Mayhem

Classic Films Zombie Style III

Posted on June 2, 2014May 28, 2014 by Jack Flacco

Jurassic Zombieland, Star Wars: Attack of the Zombies, Zombies of the Lost Ark, Zombienator XVII, Planet of the Zombies, and Close Encounters of the Undead Kind are all movies I’d love to see in the theater. The problem is no one’s made them—yet. But wouldn’t it be nice?

Classic Films Zombie Style has become a fun feature for Monday Mayhem. You can read the other parts to this series here: I & II.

How does it work? Well, I pick a film everyone ought to recognize, then I add a few zombies, amp up the violence, throw in a generous splattering of gore and voilà, you have yourself a zombie classic. Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

Let’s see what Part Three of this series holds for us adventurous hunters of the undead.

Alien vs. Zombie—A meteor crashes into the arctic shelf triggering seismic activity in the region. A group of scientists travels to the North Pole to investigate the source of the earthquake. When the scientists arrive, they find an abandoned town and underneath it, a tunnel leading to the center of a complex maze. Inside the labyrinth, acid-blood pumping aliens sent to complete a mission, pick off the scientists one by one. But humans are not the aliens’ target. Humans are in the way. The aliens’ target appears from the sides and attacks the humans, transforming them into the enemy—zombie. Time to break out the popcorn; this is going to be a heck of a mess to clean up.

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Zombies—After failing to heed warnings not to return to Hogwarts, Harry, Ron and Hermione investigate a series of attacks directed at the school administration and students. A brutal trail of body parts leads the trio to an underground chamber where they discover a horde of zombies has made it their home. The discovery propels the kids on a quest to secure the chamber and deal with the undead themselves. But in the midst of the Avada Kedavra killing curse, one of the zombies escapes and bites Harmione on the wrist. Faced with the inevitable loss of their friend to the undead, Harry and Ron have to decide the fate of Harmione. Will she become one of the crowds or will Harry have enough time to save her?

Die Hard Zombie—The Nakatomi Plaza in Los Angeles becomes the scene of a zombie apocalypse. The undead have taken over and floor by floor, they hunt for humans to satisfy their insatiable appetite. Trapped among the potential victims is John McClane, a New York cop with the knack of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. His wife Holly needs his help. He has to get to the horde from the top of the tower before the horde gets to his wife. Time is running out and his only weapon is a clip away from being empty. If he doesn’t save her, he might as well ring the zombie dinner bell himself. Will he make it?

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale October 21.

What movies would you like to see rebooted zombie style?

Monday Mayhem

Zombie What Ifs IV

Posted on May 26, 2014May 19, 2014 by Jack Flacco

If you’re new to Monday Mayhem, you’ll appreciate that I not only delve on the dark side of zombiehood, but also on the lighter side. And if you’re one of those folks who’s been reading me for a while, then by today’s title you’ll recognize where I’m going with this post.

How it works: I present a scenario filled with zombies, and your job is to figure out a way to escape. Of course I’ll give you my answer telling you what I’d do, but it doesn’t mean that’s what you would do. That’s up for you to decide. And if you missed them, here are the first three parts: I, II, III.

Are you ready? All right then. Let’s go!

Scenario #1: Zombies have trapped twenty of your friends in the school gymnasium. The evil maggot bags are slamming against the door trying to get in. Your friends have barred the only entrance with a fire hose wrapped around the handles. They have minutes before the horde makes them meat. You’re alone in the hall on the opposite end, unarmed. Do you save your friends?

My Answer: My answer to this question will always be yes. At the same time, I’ll try to find something I can use to defend myself. If anything, I’ll try to draw them outside, giving my friends a chance to escape. Call me noble.

Scenario #2: You’re on a boat and you’ve run out of supplies. You have to get back to shore, but the undead have overrun the docks. If you land, you might as well say good-bye. What do you do? Do you take a chance at docking? Or do you attempt to sail to another port?

My Answer: Not knowing where to find another port will deter me from looking. Then again, I can try fishing to see if I can catch my dinner without sharks eating me. I’ll probably search the coast for a place where I can dock, then look for fresh supplies. This is a tough one.

Scenario #3: Your car ran out of gas in a small town. A service station rests two miles down Main Street. It’s dusk and soon you will not know what the evening will bring. Your passengers are shivering with fright. The two-mile hike is not far, but you’re afraid if you make the journey, your passengers will fall into the hands of the undead. Do you stay in town for the night; hoping shelter will provide the safety you need before dawn? Or do you take a chance, make the trek to the service station and when you return you hope to find the car and the passengers in one piece?

My Answer: I don’t know about you, but I’ll try to find a place to rest until morning, then I’ll make the journey to get gas in broad daylight. If anything, I want to see what will attempt to make me into a brunch dessert before I flee.

Scenario #4: On foot, you’re alone, running from the horde. You come across a bridge. Perfect. But you wonder if you cross it, will there be another horde on the other side waiting to turn you into its dinner. You take a chance, you cross the bridge. Halfway, another crowd of zombies appears at the opposite end of the bridge, just as you had suspected. What do you do? Do you turn back and take a chance hoping the original horde is not as gruesome as you might think? Or do throw yourself off the bridge to the water below, not knowing if the impact alone will kill you?

My Answer: I’d take a chance and go for the plunge. I’d rather die upon impact than to slowly waste away in the jaws of devouring zombies.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale October 21.

What would you do?

Monday Mayhem

Hard Being a Zombie

Posted on May 19, 2014May 19, 2014 by Jack Flacco

It must be difficult to live life as a zombie. To have no hope. No dreams. To pretend of being of value to others only to suck all the good from them until there’s nothing left. It must be tough to have a false sense of purpose, treating humans as nothing more than a piece of meat.

Maybe you shouldn’t read this Monday Mayhem post. If you’re a zombie, I don’t know if you’d understand.

How can zombies live with themselves? Their moral compass is broken. They have no ability to see what they’re doing is wrong. Their loyalty lies in one thing—to fulfill their selfish inner craving they have festering in their putrid shell. What do they see when they look at themselves in the mirror? Do they see good? Do they see the pain they cause themselves and to others?

Zombies have their horde with which they commune. They’re all the same, though. Following the pack. Not thinking for themselves. Much of their undead life consists of roaming about seeking of whom they may devour. Sure, they have their dormant phases where they appear as if they’ve gotten better, hanging with their brothers and sisters in a quiet state of depression. But that doesn’t mean they’re harmless. Once they catch sight of another victim, nothing prevents them from kicking into full chase mode.

At least zombies have something to which humans can aspire. If anyone dares attack them, they don’t run. They don’t hide. They simply show their rotting teeth and hit their future kill at a time when it’s at its most vulnerable.

Unlike other carnivores, zombies will keep pursuing their quarry even after sustaining an injury. The undead may have lost an arm, a leg, the front part of their face, but they’ll do everything in their power to exhaust their victim until the victim can run no more.

When the evil predators finally catch their prey? They consume them while they’re still alive.

Then there’s the little matter of the zombie bite. All the undead has to do is snap and wait until the virus takes effect. If they can’t kill their target, they’ll do one better—make the target into one of them. What better way to guarantee the zombie culture will not die? The perfect plan.

I don’t know about you, but I’d rather remain human than become a maggot infested drain on civilization bent on destroying the good in people. Sounds to me like a lot of work to keep tabs on victims in order to ensure they’ll one day either become food for the miserable lot or part of the problem.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ALIEN INVASION, on sale October 21.

Is there such a thing as a good zombie?

Monday Mayhem

Terminators vs. Zombies

Posted on April 7, 2014April 9, 2014 by Jack Flacco

They keep coming and coming and don’t let up. They’ll hunt you down and kill you without mercy. They have no soul. They’re impervious to pain. They are dead inside, unable to feel empathy or feel anything for that matter. They will not rest until every single human soul lies dead under their feet.

If you think I’m talking about terminators, raise your hands. C’mon, don’t be shy. They sound like terminators, don’t they? They’re not, at least not in my book. I’m talking about zombies. How many of you guessed right? Well, you’re wrong, too. They’re terminators. Not sure, are you? Welcome to another edition of Monday Mayhem.

For those not familiar with the origins of The Terminator movie, one day, director James Cameron was suffering from a very high fever when in the midst of his dreams a metal skull appeared to him. It had burst into flames and filled his mind in a frenzy of horror. When he awoke, he immediately took to his typewriter and within twenty-four hours had the treatment written of The Terminator. Just like that.

For those unfamiliar with a film treatment, it’s a short story written in present tense prose with a liberal dollop of the director’s style. It’s much more detailed than an outline.

The idea behind The Terminator lies in man’s quest for immortality. A terminator does not feel, does not ponder on life’s great mysteries, does not fill its head with silly arguments of what is right and wrong. It roams and kills. Nothing more. Not much different from the undead, really.

Let’s have a look at similarities between terminators and zombies.

Persistence—Terminators do not know when to give up. They will keep coming after its target until either it dies a terrible death or its battery depletes. The likelihood of its battery depleting is next to zero. Therefore, you can run it down, drive a metal rod through its body, crush it with a steel girder, and blow it up. It will still come after you without relent. A zombie works the same way. Once it spots its victim, it will stop at nothing to capture it. Other than a shotgun blast to the head, nothing will deter it from its aim to make human its main dinner dish. It will keep coming and coming. It will not stop until we’re all dead.

Roaming—Those treacherous endoskeletons travel long distances to achieve their mission objective. They smash through doors, crash through windows, overcome gun blast wounds all for the sake of killing their targets. They’ll even drag their way to them if they have to, which is no different from the undead who chase after their prey. No manner of defense will discourage zombies from their inordinate plan to attack and dismember their victims. And yes, they’ll also drag to capture their victim.

Unfeeling—The driving force behind a terminator is its mission to kill its target. It does not care if its intended target has a family. It does not equate the loss of life to the loss of a relationship. Its design dictates merciless killing as its goal. In much the same way, a zombie’s ultimate quest is to satiate its craving for human. It has no empathy for the potential loss of a brilliant life. It doesn’t understand the bond between humans, the love of a parent for a child, the love of a mate for a mate. It possesses no heart. It does not cry for its victim nor does it rejoice after the killing. It can’t do any of that because it simply does not feel. How dreadful a life when a sentient life walks the earth soulless, empty and void.

Regardless of the many similarities mentioned, and I’m sure you can think of more, you know what I would find interesting? Instead of terminators and zombies going after humans, why not have them in a massive battle against each other? Wouldn’t that be something to look forward? But I think we’d know who would win.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, now on sale.

Can you think of other similarities between the metal endoskeletons and the undead?

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