Given the past few Monday Mayhem posts have been on the serious side, I thought I’d lighten the mood today. Instead of talking about diseases, viruses, and pork and beans for dinner, I figure I’d make fun of those dratted zombies and see how much I could get away with. Don’t expect any literary brilliance or anything educational. I’m just going to sound off about what makes me happy. And that’s killin’ zombies. That’s right folks. I’m going to talk about my all-time favorite ways to kill zombies.
I really hope you haven’t eaten anything recently. Let’s start from the very beginning. I ordered them from least to greatest, placing emphasis on the most outrageous kill as the last item on the list.
[Disclaimer: Written with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Please don’t be an idiot and try any of these with humans. It’s not only stupid, it’s illegal. You will go to jail. Okay?]
10. Shooting a zombie in the head—Nothing quite comes close to putting a bullet in a zombie brain. Big bonus here is the splatter patterns behind the wall when said bullet penetrates the undead cranium. Not only do you get a dead zombie on your hands but also some very cool artwork to boot.
9. Spraying kerosene over a zombie and setting it alight—What does every living creature fear most in this world? Yep, you know it. Fire. Kerosene to the face of an oncoming undead creature will temporarily blind it. But lighting a match, will be like the Fourth of July all over again.
8. Throwing a zombie off a cliff, watching the impact crack its skull—If anything, this has to be the most fun anyone can have with a zombie. Easiest way to do this is grabbing it by its lapels and tossing it in one fluid motion. The kicker is watching the evil demon burst into a puddle of juices when it hits bottom. Where’s David Letterman when you need him?
7. Smashing a zombie’s head with a crowbar until everything’s covered in goo—Getting medieval on zombies deserves a better rep. This has to be the messiest of the lot. Just make sure you’re wearing a raincoat when caving in the undead’s intellect. Nothing’s worse than having a laundry basket full of dead stuff stuck to fibers.
6. Jamming a screwdriver into a zombie’s temple until it collapses—As easy as it sounds, it’s not. You’re in close proximity with the undead more than any other situation. Best using that screwdriver while standing. If you’re lying down, you’ll have to deal with the drip. Not the most pleasant of situations for a would-be zombie slayer.
5. Decapitating a zombie with a souvenir confederate sword from the American civil war—You want to talk about fun? This is it. You’ll find these heirlooms hanging around garage sales, and you’ve always wondered what you’d do with them. Well, here’s your chance. These suckers are perfect for zombie beheadings. If you can’t find a confederate sword, a samurai sword will do just as well. Aw, heck. Any ol’ sword or knife will do the trick.
4. Strapping a zombie into a car and ramming it into a brick wall—This is the hardest to do. Have you ever tried restraining a zombie? Not easy, let me tell you. You’ll need brute force strength and lots of gumption to get the job done. But once that liver eater’s in the car, there’s nothing much it can do. Best use a rock to hold the accelerator down. Then, watch the fun. If you have several to get rid of the same time, you can shove them all in and call it a joy ride.
3. Driving an ice pick through the zombie’s mouth, severing its spinal cord, thereby rendering it dead—Much like the screwdriver idea, this one is more personal. You’ll once again need to get real close. The best part about it is if you miss the mouth, you can always go for the eye.
2. Clamping a zombie’s head in a paint mixer, watching it spin—I don’t think I need to explain this one. Let’s just say the undead will never walk straight again.
1. Running over a zombie until every ounce of unholy breath expels from its maggot-filled lungs—That’s right. This is the grudge solution. You have a mechanical beast at your disposal and the undead in front. Aim and drive. You don’t even have to do this with a car. You can use a bus, a dump truck, a jeep. The bigger the vehicle, the more of a mess it will be.
This post is based on Zombie Kill of the Week. Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse, it does.
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What scenarios would you like to share?
Looking to God 
I think I’ve done most of these in various video games. Though I prefer to think of it as training for the inevitable and imminent zombie apocalypse…
I certainly appreciated the ‘hitting the zombie with a parking sign’ approach of last seasons TWD! Should have kept that as a main weapon Mags.
These are awesome! I’m partial to the chainsaw thing too (Evil Dead!) Or perhaps death by steam roller? (There has been a lot of construction on my commute!)
Thanks so much for the tips. You never know!
Number one – stabbing them through the eyes.
The main truth – you can’t expect them to go away. If you ignore them – they’ll get YA! Odd, the first REAL zombie of sorts in film – the 1930s – Boris Karloff as The Mummy. He walked so-o-o slow. And his arms were always outstretch. Playing monsters as a kid, we did just that. Today, I can’t help but think, how did that slow zombie always get the girl. How did that mummy always kill so many well-abled males? All of that, of course, pre-dates Brendan Fraser’s The Mummy, which was cool! World War Z – crazy dead people. I’m glad that is not based on a true story. Of course, The Walking Dead is based upon fact. LOL.
I like the spear approach—like the screwdriver, but with more distance between you and rigor mortis face.
Are you getting excited for the new season of TWD? Last season’s finale left me white knuckled and ready for some serious zombie-slaying.
I’m totally getting excited for TWD’s new season! I can’t wait until the Fall!!!
Regarding #7- I know the “goo” isn’t real, but I still can never look!! Eeek!
It’s more like green goo from that slime show on Nickelodeon. Totally harmless. Err, maybe not! 😉
I’m always a fan of chainsaws, especially the ones that are attached to poles so you can get at high branches.
Uniqueness though . . . lure them into the zoo and knock them into the alligator enclosure.
And here I thought I’d covered all the bases, Charles. For Part III, I’ll def. have chainsaws on the list!
They’re a classic. I was going to say fire, but that could make things worse. What about liquid nitrogen or dry ice? I assume freezing would work better than burning.
Absolutely! Like a scene out of Terminator 2. Zombie freezes, victim attacks with hammer. No more undead! 😉