It’s spring break here in Canada, so I thought I’d give you a treat today. Rather than a laborious tome of sorts you have to work through, I’m going to give you something different to chew on (‘scuse the pun).
For today’s Monday Mayhem article, I’m going to scrawl a list of reasons why I think zombies are cool. A single list. No elaborate references. No major theories—although that would be cool, too.
Here we go:
There are fast zombies for some of us and there are slow zombies for some of us.
They’re Horror’s biological Terminators.
Once they see something they want, they never surrender pursuing it.
The genre is always changing.
A virus that can turn people into the undead is a pretty scary thing.
A shotgun is the weapon of choice for many zombie slayers.
Zombies make great crash test dummies.
Zombies can’t swim.
Zombies can’t fly either, unless you throw them off a cliff. But even then…
A Louisville Slugger, popcorn and a horde of zombies make for a fun evening staying in.
A lot of thought goes into pulling off a memorable zombie kill.
A narrow alley, a truck and a crowd of undead proves you don’t need a shotgun to kill them.
Sharks and zombies share many similarities.
Throwing a zombie from a plane still doesn’t prove they can fly.
Zombies vs. Skunks. I still say skunks would win.
They’ll keep pounding on the door no matter how many chairs you put in front of it.
They don’t take no for an answer.
Running up a tree doesn’t guarantee your safety. You’ll eventually have to come down.
If the undead is slow, you can outrun them in a field. Inside a building, you are dead.
A chain-linked fence provides a great deterrent against the undead.
A woman with a samurai sword rocks.
A woman with a shotgun rocks even harder.
A zombie bite does not make you a vampire.
Zombies never have to use a restroom.
They aren’t very smart even though they know how to open a door.
Much like wolves, the undead hunt in packs.
They have an acute sense of hearing.
Zombies don’t eat hamburger. Seriously, they don’t!
That’s all there is to it. These are the reasons I love zombies. Now it’s your turn.
Given the past few Monday Mayhem posts have been on the serious side, I thought I’d lighten the mood today. Instead of talking about diseases, viruses, and pork and beans for dinner, I figure I’d make fun of those dratted zombies and see how much I could get away with. Don’t expect any literary brilliance or anything educational. I’m just going to sound off about what makes me happy. And that’s killin’ zombies. That’s right folks. I’m going to talk about my all-time favorite ways to kill zombies.
I really hope you haven’t eaten anything recently. Let’s start from the very beginning. I ordered them from least to greatest, placing emphasis on the most outrageous kill as the last item on the list.
[Disclaimer: Written with tongue firmly planted in cheek. Please don’t be an idiot and try any of these with humans. It’s not only stupid, it’s illegal. You will go to jail. Okay?]
10. Shooting a zombie in the head—Nothing quite comes close to putting a bullet in a zombie brain. Big bonus here is the splatter patterns behind the wall when said bullet penetrates the undead cranium. Not only do you get a dead zombie on your hands but also some very cool artwork to boot.
9. Spraying kerosene over a zombie and setting it alight—What does every living creature fear most in this world? Yep, you know it. Fire. Kerosene to the face of an oncoming undead creature will temporarily blind it. But lighting a match, will be like the Fourth of July all over again.
8. Throwing a zombie off a cliff, watching the impact crack its skull—If anything, this has to be the most fun anyone can have with a zombie. Easiest way to do this is grabbing it by its lapels and tossing it in one fluid motion. The kicker is watching the evil demon burst into a puddle of juices when it hits bottom. Where’s David Letterman when you need him?
7. Smashing a zombie’s head with a crowbar until everything’s covered in goo—Getting medieval on zombies deserves a better rep. This has to be the messiest of the lot. Just make sure you’re wearing a raincoat when caving in the undead’s intellect. Nothing’s worse than having a laundry basket full of dead stuff stuck to fibers.
6. Jamming a screwdriver into a zombie’s temple until it collapses—As easy as it sounds, it’s not. You’re in close proximity with the undead more than any other situation. Best using that screwdriver while standing. If you’re lying down, you’ll have to deal with the drip. Not the most pleasant of situations for a would-be zombie slayer.
5. Decapitating a zombie with a souvenir confederate sword from the American civil war—You want to talk about fun? This is it. You’ll find these heirlooms hanging around garage sales, and you’ve always wondered what you’d do with them. Well, here’s your chance. These suckers are perfect for zombie beheadings. If you can’t find a confederate sword, a samurai sword will do just as well. Aw, heck. Any ol’ sword or knife will do the trick.
4. Strapping a zombie into a car and ramming it into a brick wall—This is the hardest to do. Have you ever tried restraining a zombie? Not easy, let me tell you. You’ll need brute force strength and lots of gumption to get the job done. But once that liver eater’s in the car, there’s nothing much it can do. Best use a rock to hold the accelerator down. Then, watch the fun. If you have several to get rid of the same time, you can shove them all in and call it a joy ride.
3. Driving an ice pick through the zombie’s mouth, severing its spinal cord, thereby rendering it dead—Much like the screwdriver idea, this one is more personal. You’ll once again need to get real close. The best part about it is if you miss the mouth, you can always go for the eye.
2. Clamping a zombie’s head in a paint mixer, watching it spin—I don’t think I need to explain this one. Let’s just say the undead will never walk straight again.
1. Running over a zombie until every ounce of unholy breath expels from its maggot-filled lungs—That’s right. This is the grudge solution. You have a mechanical beast at your disposal and the undead in front. Aim and drive. You don’t even have to do this with a car. You can use a bus, a dump truck, a jeep. The bigger the vehicle, the more of a mess it will be.
To protect her little sister from the evil clutches of her lustful stepfather, 16-year-old Babydoll takes it upon herself to exact justice by the end of the barrel of a gun. When she fires a round, the bullet ricochets and accidentally kills her sister. Surviving the attack, her stepfather commits Babydoll to Lennox House, an insane asylum where she faces a lobotomy. A lobotomy her stepfather secures with a substantial bribe given to the institutions’s head orderly. Babydoll escapes into her fantasies where they become her reality.
Now, before I go on, I’d like to address an issue. Critics in unison panned Sucker Punch for its numerous scenes of scantly clad women, calling the film exploitative. I happen to disagree. Unlike Black Swan, which critics adored, there is no nudity in this film. On the contrary, this film depicts women as having strength, fortitude and resilience. Since the majority of the film takes place in a brothel, what else should women wear under that employ other than lingerie? Have we forgotten what Nicole Kidman as Satine wore in Moulin Rouge, which fetched her an Oscar nomination?
Reminiscent of Inception’s dream within a dream, the best action sequences come from Sucker Punch’s fantasies within a fantasy. Babydoll uses these fantasies to cope with the inevitable reality of her impending lobotomy. Wow, now that was a mouthful. Try to say that three times fast.
However selfish it may seem that Babydoll would rather escape within herself; throughout her fantasies, her fights are noble, just and right. She thinks of her friends first just as she had done when trying to save her little sister from her evil stepfather. Babydoll proves this countless times by deflecting an enemy’s attention from her friends, taking on the burden of their suffering. And as strong as Babydoll appears in her fantasies, the quiet resolve she maintains in reality makes her even stronger. It’s the only way she can face her lobotomy. For it’s with her sacrifice she saves her friends.
Where can we find this kind of devotion in real life? That’s a rhetorical question.
To me, if one were to give their life for a friend, that is the truest form of love anyone could ever possess.
Have you seen Sucker Punch? What did you think of it? Was it as confusing as some critics have made it out to be?