undead – Page 7 – Looking to God

Zombie Apocalypse: Failure?

Posted on July 29, 2013July 28, 2013 by Jack Flacco

Do you know what I realized the other day? Whenever I talk about the zombie apocalypse with my friends, I’m always assuming it is possible. I never think for a moment that something so absurd would be impossible. Then again, I do write about zombies, so how weird is that?

Back in May, I wrote a Monday Mayhem post called Zombie Apocalypse: Causes. In the post, I detail reasons why I think a Zombie Apocalypse could happen.

But, what if? What if zombies suddenly rise from their graves because of some freak event and we’re right there in the middle of the mess? Do you honestly believe these walking disasters have a chance of carrying out their diabolical plan to rip our cerebral cortexes from our skulls, all the while their moaning and grunting betray their physical locations?

Before y’all jump me at once let’s say this together. Raise your right hand: I know a zombie apocalypse is possible but I won’t beat Jack senseless for thinking otherwise.

Once you’ve said that three times, you can go on ahead and read why I’m entertaining thoughts contrary to an undead global meltdown.

Elements of Nature—How long do you think zombies would survive in the middle of our Canadian Winter? One day? Two days? On February 18, our weather here in Ontario dropped from 0°C/32°F to -16°C/3.2°F. That’s a sixteen-degree differential in the span of one day. In December 2012, we had a full week of sustained temperatures below freezing. I hope zombies dress warm if they ever decide to invade in the middle of winter. In June, floodwaters ravaged townships in Alberta leaving them desolate and empty. In Calgary, the city came to a standstill as chest-deep waters flooded the downtown core. Do zombies know how to swim? The list goes on, with a myriad of other natural disasters that have occurred this year ranging from tornadoes all the way to heat waves. If a zombie apocalypse has to take hold, it had better time it right. Mother Nature would have first dibs at the bodies rising, that’s for sure.

Animals Are the Zombies Second Worst Nightmare—I’d like to see a few of those belly suckers attempt to cross a cornfield in the middle of the day. First of all, they’d never survive a head on onslaught of crows nosediving from twenty feet in the air to peck out their eyes. Buzzards or turkey vultures are worse. Their six-foot wingspan allows them to travel 30-50 miles in search for food, and they can smell death a mile away. Their bills have a design to plunge deep within a carcass to retrieve its meal. Let’s not even talk about wolves. These pack hunting canine wonders of nature can eat 15-19% of their body weight in one sitting. If zombies should happen to make contact with any of these animals, it’s lights out.

We Are the Zombies Worst Nightmare—Let’s imagine for a few moments a world on the cusp of filling with a legion of zombies out to harvest our innards. Forget about World War Z’s fast zombies. As cool as they are, let’s think old school. You know, the roaming kind, lurching forward, arms drawn outward, smelling for frontal lobe delicacies. What are the chances they’d survive with us as their enemies? I’d say we’d have a pretty good shot at putting down the infestation right out of the gate. Think about it. We’ve got guns, knives, bullets, bombs, missiles, rockets, cannons, flamethrowers, heavy artillery, assault vehicles, battle fatigues and some of us even have martial arts training. What do the zombies have? Nothing. A couple of loose teeth, a few broken nails, and maybe those golden three hours after death between Primary Flaccidity and Rigor Mortis where they could do the most damage. Beyond that, we win.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.

Just for fun, can you think of other reasons why a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t work?

Monday Mayhem

Fighting Zombies

Posted on July 15, 2013July 25, 2013 by Jack Flacco

Every so often, I’ll watch a movie where a voracious entity of undead means traps a human victim in an ordinary area such as a garage with no way of defense. Most of the time I’m screaming at the TV with suggestions of how to kill the approaching beast. Grab the rake! Use the water hose! The garden shears are on the bench!

What would my Monday Mayhem feature be without having some fun with everyday household items that can also act as weapons against zombies? I touched on this subject once before in my post Saying No to Zombies, but I’ve always wanted to expand on it.

[Disclaimer: Please folks, this list is written entirely as satire in regards to fighting zombies. Don’t be stupid and attempt these with a human or any other living thing. It’s not only a dumb thing to do. It’s illegal.]

Here is my top 10 list of household items anyone can use to fend off an intruding zombie (in no particular order):

Knife—The simplest of utensils for cutting meats and vegetables can also function as a quick solution to a zombie problem. Always aim for the head. Never stab once. Multiple holes translate to multiple chances of killing the brain.

Fireplace Poker—A practical instrument for rotating wood in a fire, its pointed end will serve as the perfect answer to oncoming evil creatures. Its hook can also provide a means to catch an unsuspecting zombie, but no one want’s to do that. However, the easiest way to utilize this tool is to swat and swat hard. Remember the rule? Always aim for the head.

Snow Globe—These ornaments usually find themselves on bookshelves, nightstands, tables, fridges, and in some instances, bathrooms. These are the brute-force-approach type items. Meaning, the impact delivery system is directly proportionate to the amount of force applied by the defender on the zombie’s cerebellum or any other part of the rotting head. Much like the knife, the more blows delivered, the greater the chances of escaping.

Splinters—These suckers can come from anywhere. A desk drawer can turn into a pile of splinters if the correct amount of force distributes from drawer to wall. Even smashing a hardwood floor will yield splinters. Once in hand, they can work pretty much like knives (see above). The best part about splinters is their ability to break in chunks in order to lodge pieces in the zombie brain. Of the remnant, one can utilize to remove organs (i.e. eyes. A zombie that can’t see can’t eat.)

Weapons

Garden Hose—This neat little item can function on multiple levels. The water set at high pressure can disorient and confuse a zombie when shot in the face. The hose itself can also work as an instrument of strangulation. It will not kill it but it sure would be fun trying. In addition, used properly, the hose can work as a crude method for an explosive device. The simplest way is shoving the hose down the zombie’s throat and turning on the water. Within a matter of seconds the whole thing should blow.

Broom—A quick and dirty instrument of death to instill terror in the hearts of minions by utilizing its handle to poke, maim and kill. It is also useful for whacking brains from skulls until splatter designs appear on the surrounding walls and floor.

Glass—Found throughout the house, glass can provide the first line of defense against the ravenous undead. Holding a broken bottle by the neck will not threaten a zombie. Drilling it into its face will however force the zombie to step away enough for a rapid escape. Never underestimate the power of sand heated at high temperatures.

Salt—In ol’ zombie folklore, forcing a zombie to eat salt will cause the corpse to realize it’s dead and will head back to the grave. The question is how do you feed a zombie? I’d rather take a more aggressive approach with my zombie feedings. Grab a fistful of the white stuff and toss it in its face. If it doesn’t eat the salt, it will certainly lose a portion of its sight. At least I hope.

Chair—This is an easy item to use as it can function as not only defense against approaching gut suckers, pushing the chair in their faces, but also can serve the dual purpose of acting as a weapon, wailing on the undead until they’re completely dead.

Door—The trick to using a door as a weapon is getting a zombie to step into one. Easiest way to do this is offering bait, preferably a friend. Once it’s taken the bait, watch as it attempts to make its way into the room. Best practices involve utilizing the zombie’s own inertia when door makes contact with its body. If luck presents itself the beast will peek between the door and the doorframe, no hesitation should take place in regards to ramming door to stationary object. Ooze and blood trails will indicate success.

I’m sure there are many, many more utensils, tools and common every day items that can work to fight off a zombie infestation.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.

Do you have any suggestions of items you’d like to add to the list?

Monday Mayhem

A Zombie Primer

Posted on April 22, 2013April 22, 2013 by Jack Flacco

I’ve always wanted to write a zombie Q&A for Monday Mayhem. Given some readers visit my site via search engines, I thought I’d provide answers to the most popular questions. Of course these are my opinions and I wouldn’t want to give the impression I know all there is to know about the subject. So think of me answering these questions flying by the seat of my pants.

What is the definition of a zombie?

In its purest form, a zombie is a soulless human either brought back to life by supernatural or biological means, or changed by a foreign agent. It is not sentient, thus it lacks the ability to question one’s own existence.

How does one become a zombie?

There are two schools of thought: (1) a human dies, and comes back from the dead. This can happen by voodoo, witchcraft or science. (2) A virus infects a human rendering them intellectually dead but physically alive.

How does one kill a zombie?

The most popular belief is to destroy the brain. Methods to achieve this result are as follows: shooting, stabbing, drilling, traumatic impact, etc. Decapitation may seem like a workable solution, however, in all likelihood it will lead to a bodiless zombie. When unsure, a sharp object to the brain will do the trick.

Why do zombies crave human flesh?

There is no real answer. Some sources (legend, history, and Hollywood) may attribute zombie health to human flesh eating. If this were the case then it would necessitate zombies to require drink, sleep and other means by which to maintain proper balance of bodily functions normally attributed to humans. The closest answer is zombies eat human flesh because it’s in their nature, much like sharks (see my post The Three Commandments for a more elaborate answer).

Are there different types of zombies?

Yes. There are humans who were once dead, have risen from the dead, and are now alive. These are classic zombies. Then there are those humans who have changed into zombies due to the ingestion of a virulent agent.

Why do zombies hunt in packs?

Not all zombies hunt in packs. There will always be stragglers. The majority do though because of how the zombie apocalypse may have affected a particular area. If huge swaths of people become zombified, the natural tendency is for survivors to encounter them in packs. This will happen in countries where cities are more densely populated.

What is the zombie apocalypse?

The zombie apocalypse is a fictional scenario where zombies rise in an attempt to overthrow humans as the dominate species.

Do zombies take restroom breaks?

Most fictional accounts of zombies indicate an awful stench emanates from their body. It is not know what this smell is. Therefore, it would be difficult to assume that zombies practice proper hygiene in regards to their elimination habits.

Do you have any questions I may have missed? How about opinions?

Monday Mayhem

Zombies and the Law

Posted on April 1, 2013March 31, 2013 by Jack Flacco

An interesting article appeared in the Huffington Post recently. The gist of the story goes something like this: would zombies be legally responsible if they ate your brain? I laughed at the suggestion as well. Yet the question lends to some deep thought. Who would be responsible if a zombie ate your brain? Welcome to Monday Mayhem.

Lawyers Ryan Davidson and James Daily specialize in the legal ramifications of comic book hypothetical situations. In other words, these guys are cool. They take simple comic book scenarios and view them in the strictest legal sense. Their next endeavor is zombies. What zombies do, how they do it, responsibility, tort, etc., all that stuff. Featured in The New York Times, Marketplace, the ABA Journal and others, the site Law and the Multiverse have provided enlightening ideas on the zombie genre.

According to Davidson, a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t only be a mess for humanity, but also for the courts. The law views individuals as either fully alive or fully dead. There’s no in-betweens or undead. The argument attributing responsibility to zombies for property damage or crimes against humanity takes an even more complicated turn when introducing awareness to the equation.

Here’s what Davidson had to say:

“It depends on how the disease works. If zombies are effectively unconscious, then they would be incapable of performing voluntary actions and thus immune to criminal liability (or civil liability, for that matter). The zombies in the most recent I Am Legend movie appear to be fully conscious, if perhaps a bit aggressive, so they could potentially be found liable. But in most others, probably not.”

Then the question of rights comes to play. Would zombies have rights? He continues:

“If zombies are re-animated corpses, then no. The dead have no rights. But if zombies are living people infected with some kind of virus, like in 28 Days Later, they still have all the same rights they did before infection.”

Of course, if former zombies hire good lawyers, they can get off on an insanity plea. At least this is something the courts would have to take into consideration, should the defendants find their minds again and be fit to stand trial. Davidson was clear about this issue:

“If the crimes were committed while they were a zombie, and if the zombie condition causes legal insanity (basically defined in many states as not knowing what you are doing and not knowing that what you are doing is wrong), then they would have an insanity defense, even if they were later cured.”

He was quick to clarify those individuals suffering from mental illnesses today are not zombies.

To add to the discussion, the last portion of his interview delves into the “what if” scenario of capturing a zombie and placing it on trial for capital crimes and the like. Not only would said zombie be deemed unfit to stand trial, it would also have difficulties working with counsel. Not to mention the court would have an arduous task finding a jury of its peers.

Does bringing a zombie to trial seem feasible? What other problems may exist should a zombie find itself in court?

Monday Mayhem

The Three Commandments

Posted on March 18, 2013January 29, 2015 by Jack Flacco

In recent times, moviegoers have come to realize there are no absolutes when dealing with the horror genre. Ghosts can eat food (Pirates of the Caribbean), werewolves can change at will (Underworld), and vampires can sparkle when exposed to sunlight (Twilight). However, all bets are off when we talk about zombies. Zombies live in a world of absolutes.

As a primer to my Monday Mayhem series, let’s examine The Three Commandments of the undead. Established by director George A. Romero in the 1968 movie Night of the Living Dead and solidified in his 1978 film Dawn of the Dead, these three laws are what make the zombie genre unique. Without them, zombies wouldn’t exist in their present form.

I—The Dead Have Come Back to Life

A zombie isn’t a zombie unless it comes back from the dead. Much like vampires, zombies were once dead. Hence the name: undead. Through a biochemical change, voodoo or some other form of reanimation, the dead rises. This is the crux of zombiehood. Without it, zombies simply are not zombies.

What about a virus? In modern storytelling, a virus is the usual suspect in the blame-game for many undead creations. Typically, the virus runs through a population, changing them to become zombies. In strict technical terms, these creatures may not qualify as true zombies if the victims do not initially die. However, I argue if a virus has an element of death associate with it (biological or intellectual), then of course the resultant creature is none other than a zombie.

The key here is to note a physical transformation from death to life.

II—The Undead Crave Human Flesh

Every biological species requires sustenance to maintain health. Zombies do not. Zombies eat because it’s in their nature to hunger after human meat. It’s a compulsion. They cannot turn off the desire to slay a human and feed off the body. They just can’t. They are like the sharks of the underworld. They yearn, hunt, kill and eat. That’s it. They don’t stop. From one body to another, they’ll consume a whole town without regard. They are never satiated.

III—The Undead Will Die with a Blow to the Brain

The only thing that will stop a zombie is the destruction of its brain. A hunter of the undead can use various methods to attain this result. The most common is a bullet to the head. A knife through the temple will also do a fine job of ridding the earth of the vermin species. As would any of these other methods: An ice pick through the eye socket, multiple blows from a baseball bat, a sharp stick through its mouth thereby severing its spinal cord, a screwdriver to the back of the skull, a meat cleaver aimed directly at the frontal lobe, etc. The possibilities are endless. The purpose is to render the creature dead by inflicting the maximum amount of trauma to its brain. Once complete, the zombie will no longer pose a threat to any other humans.

Have you ever heard of The Three Commandments? What are your thoughts about zombiehood?

Women Who Wow Wednesday

We’re Off to See the Wizard

Posted on January 23, 2013January 23, 2013 by Jack Flacco

She doesn’t curse. She doesn’t swear. She doesn’t even own a gun. She’s the cutest redhead anyone’s ever seen. She’s also the epitome of American moral values. Who is she? She’s The Wizard of Oz’s Dorothy Gale, of course. And I’m proud to feature her as part of this week’s Women Who Wow Wednesday.

If you’re a regular reader of my blog, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I’ve dedicated a number of posts to some pretty violent female characters in movies. Other than Wonder Woman, most, if not all, have thrown a knife or fired a gun, beaten the crap out of their enemy, or jettisoned them into space. In a zombie apocalypse, those are the women who I’d love to have fight alongside me.

But Dorothy Gale? Sweet little Dorothy? How could she ever take on the undead?

Let’s take a look at what we got. She grew up on a farm. Not a small feat for a young girl, you know. She’s probably seen things done to animals that’d make a billy goat puke. Like rabbits skinned, chickens defeathered, turkeys beheaded, and the family pig, which I don’t think its name was Wilbur, fattened up for months until it reached implosion weight. Then with tears flooding her face, seen it slaughtered in the cool of the day.

So yeah, Dorothy grew up on a farm. She’s seen things.

Okay, so she’s got a tough stomach, but is she strong? I would say so. How else could one explain the absolute fear that gripped the Tin Man and Scarecrow when The Lion showed up? Dorothy stood her ground, though. She didn’t run away. She didn’t cry. Nooo, no. She walked right up to the snarling beast and smacked it across the mouth. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” She snapped, and she stared him down, she did.

Yes, but I can still hear the doubters. She couldn’t hurt an ant, I hear. She’s as gentle as a rose. She’d help a butterfly caught in a web.

Oh, yeah?

She dropped a house. On a witch. Not any ordinary witch, mind you. On THE Wicked Witch of the East. The most fearsome witch of the eastern hemisphere. And then she lied about it. When confronted by The Wicked Witch of the West, Dorothy looked her straight in the eye and lied.

“Who killed my sister?” the Wicked Witch of the West asked. “Who killed the Witch of the East? Was it you?”

“No, no.” Dorothy said. “It was an accident. I didn’t mean to kill anybody.”

“Well, my little pretty, I can cause accidents, too!”

Oh, really. Was that a threat?

Dorothy didn’t take too kindly to those words. No one threatens Dorothy Gale and gets away with it. Especially some cheap floozy who picks her clothes from the leftover Halloween bins at Wal-Mart. No way. From that moment on, the Wicked Witch of the West was on Dorothy’s hit list.

Once the Tin Man, Scarecrow, Lion and her sidekick Toto had the castle surrounded, Dorothy moved in for the kill. She executed her vindictive plan against the witch by drawing in the winged monkeys to the center of the tower. This would ensure she had witnesses, causing no one to doubt her supremacy. Then, in front of all the captains of the monkey army, she melted the witch. And like the coldhearted killer she was, she stood by watching the witch writhe in agony.

She even went so far as to get rid of the Wizard, cutting him loose in a balloon heading for Kansas.

Oh, yeah. I want Dorothy on my team. If anyone can vanquish the undead in a zombie apocalypse it would be Dorothy.

There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.

Have you seen The Wizard of Oz? If not, have you ever wondered what the movie or the books are about?

Monday Mayhem

Zombies, Zombies, Zombies!

Posted on December 24, 2012December 24, 2012 by Jack Flacco

Welcome back to Monday Mayhem. If you haven’t read my intro to the series, you can search for it on my site with the keywords Monday Mayhem or you can click on the Monday Mayhem link at the top of this post. Simple, huh?

Now that the Mayan silliness—ahem—apocalypse is out of the way, let’s talk about something worth talking about: Zooooooombies. Yep, those green critters everyone loves to run away from whenever a biological disaster hits. Zombies. Specifically, let’s talk about what they look like, ‘cause a number of films have interpreted their own versions of the grotesque creatures.

Since I wrote about I Am Legend last week, I thought I’d start with them. According to tradition, zombies are the walking dead. Some call them the undead. They walk back and forth on the earth seeking of whom they may devour. They have a “drag” to their pace. Like this: Step-drag, step-drag-drag, step-drag. Okay, I made that up. Yes, they walk slow. In the movie I Am Legend however, they are speed freaks. They run fast, hit hard and eat with intensity. Some have said they really aren’t zombies at all but vampires, due to their sensitivity to light and their penchant for going for the jugular.

Vampire Extraordinaire, Underworld's Kate Beckinsale — Vampire Extraordinaire, Underworld’s Kate Beckinsale

My thoughts? Vampires turn into vampires when bitten by other vampires. The creatures in this movie become zombies after a medical procedure goes awry (the typical method of zombie propagation).

How about the creatures in other movies? How about the beasts in 28 Days Later, Resident Evil and Dawn of the Dead? Oh, and the TV show The Walking Dead? Well, those are your standard, cookie-cutter zombies. Their flesh hangs off their bones, eyes white, and they possess the trademark drag. Those creatures also maintain their pleasant countenance by walking around with torn, often shredded clothes. Of course, let’s not forget the scabs. They sport various scabs throughout their bodies as a testament to their zombiehood.

You really don’t want me to describe scabs in detail, do you?

Then you have your funny zombies. The zombies you find in Shaun of the Dead for instance. These monsters border on stupidity. Most of the time, they stand around while their food—human—disappears. In one scene, Shaun acts as a tour guide/director giving the hoard directions to follow him, since he is good to eat, all the while helping his friends escape.

And how can we forget Zombieland? Bill Murray plays one of the undead. I’m not getting into the specifics with this movie. It is one of my favorite and it would be a shame if I spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it. Suffice it to say: Watch it.

The last movie I’d like to mention, which may seem odd to describe as a zombie movie, is The Crazies. The beings in this film harbor a mysterious element to their personalities that propels them to behave irrationally. Some critics may not consider them typical zombies in the strictest sense, given they don’t eat flesh, talk, and are not dead. But when faced with one of these blank staring individuals, I assure you, they function as true blood zombies. These are the most interesting of the species. No one knows who they are and the survivors travel with suspicion.

There you have it, a description of the most popular zombies to walk the planet in search of human delicacies.

Did I forget any of them? Have you seen any movie I missed describing the type of zombie? If you have, go ahead and comment. I’m interested in what you have to say.

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