Let’s talk about something serious for a change, something that has been on my mind since the summer. If I could call it a great disturbance in the force, I would. But then I would have to admit surrendering to the dark side for taking the Star Wars universe out of context. Okay, so I’ll call it a logic problem. Then again, that may prove too pointed of a statement. How about this for Monday Mayhem: Since when have zombies become indestructible?
World War Z’s Brad Pitt as Gerry Lane
I’m a huge fan of World War Z, and for those folks who have read my stuff since the beginning, you will know I’m also a fan of George A. Romero’s zombies. You know the ones, slow, dragging, lurching, not much intelligence. What they lack in aptitude they make up in multitude. In other words, they may be slow, but if they corner you in an alley with no way out, it’s lights out for Thursday night bowling—permanently.
It took a while for me to warm up to the notion zombies could run at the pace of a Kenyan sprinter. I attribute the sudden surge in velocity to an adrenalin rush fostered by the zombie virus, whatever that zombie virus might be. I accept it. It would also account for the incredible behavior change in the undead’s muscle stability and lack of flaccidity. Add to the laundry list a slow decomposition rate instead of the typical mortis states, and we have the making of fast zombies.
I’m okay with that idea. It makes logical sense.
World War Z’s destroyed cities
Where things start getting out of hand is seeing zombies crash into immovable objects at blunt-force-trauma speeds. When a head attempts several times to smash through a windshield, wouldn’t said head sport a few scars of the incident? Perhaps a concussion or two? Even more so, if a zombie attempts to scale a massive wall and other zombies use its body as a footstool, wouldn’t it be fair in saying said zombie would break a few bones in the process of its journey? And how about after scaling the wall, which I’m assuming thirty feet high, wouldn’t the zombies plunging to the other side land on the ground in a big huge splat?
Guide me here, folks. Sometimes I miss things along the way. I’m willing to suspend disbelief up to a point, but when the laws of physics run amok in a film—a zombie film, not a superhero comic book film—I’m not sure if I can accept the latest twist in zombie resilience. Anyone have a reasonable explanation for the undead’s sudden ability to fend off broken bones, torn ligaments, shattered faces and lack of rotting in World War Z?
So many questions, so little time.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
What’s your reaction to World War Z’s superhero zombies?
World War Z will be out on DVD and Blu-ray tomorrow. The official release dates to remember are September 17, 2013 for the U.S. and Canada, October 21, 2013 for the U.K., and October 23, 2013 for Australia. The big deal is not the release dates, but the content of the movie. I promise I won’t give you any spoilers for this film. This movie is too good to spoil for anyone. Am I looking forward to the release? How about asking me if a zebra has stripes. Today is Monday Mayhem, and today I’d like to concentrate on World War Z’s base of operations.
World War Z
For those who don’t know what I’m talking about, World War Z’s base of operations is a ship in the middle of the ocean. I think this is genius. What better way to avoid zombies than to float on water with little to no contact with the mainland.
Ah, let’s think about this from the perspective of the zombie. The undead know nothing. That’s a given. They function purely out of instinct—instinct being their craving for human flesh. They act on human presence, hunting humans down until they’re dead. But that human presence depends on a number of factors. What if humans have hidden themselves away to the point of disappearing? What then? Will the zombies find alternative food sources to satiate their hunger? What if humans appear resistant to the zombies’ intent to eat them? Will the zombies move to another feeding ground?
Or…will they learn how to swim in order to find additional food sources?
Sounds far fetched, I know. But, what if? Is it possible? Can zombies swim?
Of course, the question remains: would zombies be able to even get their arms around their head in a full 360° turn? Have I mentioned about the zombie ocean predators? Crabs and lobsters love rotting meat. It’s their job to eat that stuff.
In all likelihood, zombies would walk to the shore and keep walking from the shore into the ocean until such time they’d walk themselves to a second death by either natural decomposition or ocean predator. That is, unless they fall into the Mariana Trench, the deepest part of the world’s oceans.
Was the decision to have a command center in the middle of the ocean a good thing in the movie World War Z? Yes. Unless zombies know how to swim, it’s the safest place on earth.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
What do you think of swimming zombies? Do you think zombies can swim?
Now that the jacket for Ranger Martin and the Zombie Apocalypse is complete, I can concentrate on my golf swing, cracking open a bottle of champagne, and getting my yacht tuned-up for a mid-September Caribbean jaunt of sorts. Ha, as if. I’m going to be busy the next few months more than usual in preparation for my book’s release. So, I thought before heading into the unknown, for Monday Mayhem I’d give you a tour of my book’s jacket. It’s an interesting story. I hope you’ll like it.
Somewhere in Utah
A few months ago, I complained to my wife, well, more like explained, I hadn’t come up with any concept art for my book’s jacket. Being the practical person she is, she suggested I work through my 14,600+ photo collection and find something in there. My initial feeling was positive. Something I had shot years gone by must have some semblance of my book’s concept. I didn’t worry about it much, but it was in the back of my mind as something I needed to do.
In the meantime, my wife also asked me if I had any ideas of what I wanted on the jacket. I answered her with the very clichéd, overused statement, “I’ll know when I see it.” In fact, that’s exactly what I thought.
Anyway, as the months went by and I sifted through my vast collection of digital photos I had taken over the course of nine years, I was finding I didn’t see what I was looking for. I had a very specific idea, but nothing really stood out as “the” photo I wanted to use as a representation for the book.
Eventually, I spoke with one of my friends about the problem and over a period of a few weeks, the subject would come up over tea. I would hum and haw and he would placate my need for resolution of my creative plight. He’d ask what I was looking for and I’d say, “I’ll know when I see it.”
This whole thing between my wife, my photos, my friend and I continued for months.
That is until one day, my friend and I were having tea and talk surfaced of his trip he’d taken last year to Utah. I thought for a moment and asked if he had photos of that eventful journey. He did. I asked if I could have a look at a few. He asked how many? I said a handful; I was looking for those Utah mountains with the flat tops.
A few weeks later, he gave me an assorted collection of photos, and as I perused them, the seventh photo in the lot jumped out at me. Seriously, the “I’ll know when I see it” statement turned into “this is the one” statement. I had no doubt I had the right one.
And right there, within the span of seconds after seeing it I described to him how I would crop, darken and perhaps add a few elements to the photo to make it more dramatic in order to convey the book’s theme. The assessment went that fast.
That very weekend I spent playing with the photo exactly as I’d described to my friend. I didn’t deviate one bit from the plan. I implemented everything I said I was going to put in it and then some.
When I showed it to him a few days later, his jaw dropped to the floor. He couldn’t believe it was the same photo. Hey, I couldn’t believe it was the same photo.
So that’s how the book’s jacket came to be. I hope you found that story just as interesting to read as it was for me to write.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Are you curious about anything I may have not mentioned about the concept art?
Since today’s a long weekend for most of North America, I thought I’d take it easy on you and play a little game of zombie what ifs. The way it works is I give you a scenario and you tell me the solution. It’s more like a “What if you see a zombie in the street staring at you, what do you do?” type of thing. I figure we all need a break from my regular analytical Monday Mayhem posts and what better way to do that than to enjoy some dark humor.
Zombie Permit
Are you ready? Let’s go!
Scenario #1: You’re in your kitchen. A zombie walks in brandishing its yellow-stained teeth and measuring you for its next luncheon. It slowly creeps toward you with hunger in its eyes and a drooling mouth. There’s no way out. What do you do?
My answer: Grab a fork from the utensil drawer, poke its eye out, and while it’s wailing in misery, run past it.
Scenario #2: You’re in a long hallway with two zombies chasing you to a dead end. You have one bullet in your gun. What do you do?
My answer: I’ll attempt to line them up and hope one bullet will pass through both skulls.
Quarantine
Scenario #3: You’re staring at your friend through the window of a gas station as two zombies surround him ready to pounce. He has a gun, but he’s out of bullets. Your gun is the same make and model as his, and your bullets fit his gun. What do you do?
My answer: Crash in there and shoot the crap out of the offending beasts. Anyone who messes with my friends messes with me.
Scenario #4: You’re alone with a zombie. There’s a shotgun in the middle of the room on the table. The zombie is one of those fast zombies. No matter what you do, it matches your moves and can even climb the table if you let it. One door in the background is your only escape. It’s smart, and it will chase after you if you even think of escaping. What do you do?
My answer: If I go for the gun, it might attack me. If I go for the door, it might tackle me and I will probably not make it. Right now, I don’t have an answer.
Scenario #5: Your friend is hanging on to dear life from the edge of a cliff. If you don’t rescue him soon, he’ll lose his grip and plummet one hundred feet to his death. One problem, though. A horde of zombies is marching toward you. There’s a road to escape on your right. What do you do?
My answer: This is a hard one. If you stay behind to help your friend, you may lose your life by becoming the main dish of a zombie feast. If you take off on the road to freedom, you’re leaving your friend to the gnawing jowls of the undead. Like I said, this is a hard one. Even I don’t know what to do in this predicament.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
From the very first day when The Walking Dead premiered on AMC, I fell in love with the show. It brought together two main themes I enjoyed reading about yet seldom saw on the small screen. First, zombies. How can anyone not like these beasts of the undead? They’re virtual Tamagotchi. Second, a dystopian future. Who can say tomorrow will be all unicorns and rainbows? I can’t. That’s why for Monday Mayhem I’d like to explore the lessons I’ve learned from watching The Walking Dead.
The Walking Dead Cast
I have friends of mine who wonder what could possibly attract so many viewers every week to a show about monsters eating the insides of a person’s head. The whole premise is silly. So, I usually ask:
Me: “Have you ever seen cop shows?” Them: “Yes.” Me: “Ever see The Silence of the Lambs?” Them: “Yes.” Me: “Did you like it?” Them: No answer. [Of course they did.] Me: “Hannibal Lecter eats people’s brains. He’s worse. He’s human. He should know better. Zombies don’t know better. They eat because it’s in their nature. They can’t help themselves.”
Here is my first lesson. The Walking Dead is not about zombies. Surprised? For you fans who just started watching the show, it’s about people who are stuck in an incredible situation and don’t know what to do next. Every facet of society they once enjoyed no longer exists. They’ve lost everything. Whatever they believed prior to the apocalypse is gone. Even rudimentary things we currently take for granted like running water, clean undergarments, electricity, bread, ice, a comfortable place to sleep, a safe place to live, movies, theaters, concerts, restaurants, ball games, museums, the smell of fresh cut grass, the sound of beautiful music have disappeared. Gone. Never to return.
Yet in that misery, lies hope—my second lesson. The survivors of the dreaded destruction of humanity hold on to that single shred of light. That if things should not return to the way it was, they would cling to the anticipation that one day they will once again enjoy their lives in peace and understanding.
The wall of zombies
Unfortunately, my third lesson tells of an otherwise different tale. In the midst of hope comes betrayal. Loyalty means nothing to the survivors. If two should leave for supplies and one comes back, the crowd should question who is next. If anyone shows any signs of a change, no matter how subtle, they will die. Either by that which renders them a walker or by the hands of their closest friends. They will die. It’s a certainty. No one is safe. No one will escape. Should there be an argument between survivors and the group exiles a member, that member will die. The sad reality is that friendships are of no importance in a future where society has collapsed from its fundamental moral pillars.
For in those days, there will be no friends. Only those to take advantage of.
The final lesson? As brutal and as honest as The Walking Dead is, it’s all fiction. We don’t know what the future holds. You know why? Right. Because it hasn’t happened yet. We’re in yesterday’s future. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow. Should we worry about what might not happen? No. But we should prepare. You can peruse the list that I had grabbed from the CDC site featured in my Zombie Emergency Kit post. That’ll tell you what to do in case the zombies come after you.
In the meantime, The Walking Dead will start a whole new season in October. I really hope everyone’s just as excited about the event as I am. It promises to be a game changer. I can’t wait.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
If anything, what have you learned from the show The Walking Dead? Would you recommend it to your friends?
I get a kick writing about zombies. Unlike their vampire horror counterparts, I find the whole zombie genre fascinating. However, I dare not draw a direct comparison between zombies and vampires, even though at times one would be hard-pressed not doing so. Perhaps one day I can write about the transformation of the vampire genre in our modern age. But not today. Today, I’d like to add to my Monday Mayhem series the immortal nature of zombies.
Infinity
When I think of zombies, I think of them as these non-stop, eating machines. In a past post, I’ve compared them to sharks. They hunt and feed. Nothing else. Their makeup is of the design of wanting to fulfill the emptiness felt within. They lurch back and forth, hauling their limbs from one caustic kill to another. Their only enemy being us, humans, who also happen to be their main meal.
They had to drag. They had to moan. And they had to appear as if a truck ran over them. Several times, in fact. Their head tilted to one side became their trademark.
Yet, in all this, what does it mean? Every so often, I’ll add my two cents to the zombie coffers in an attempt to demystify the legends from fact. I’ll give an opinion regarding zombie origins, diseases, curses, events, possible apocalypse scenarios, and the like. I’ll delve into the science behind today’s zombie blitzkrieg, the whys and wherefores. The question remains though, what does it all mean?
If you will, allow me a few moments to lend you my take of what zombies represent in our culture. I’ve been thinking about this for a while and I believe my opinion is ready for some good ol’ fashioned primetime critique.
Dust
I believe zombies represent humanity’s desire to capture the idea of wanting to live forever. This is not a new concept in the zombie genre. It’s been around a long time in the vampire realm, but for zombies, no one really talks about it. Who wants to? Do you want to see a zombie live forever? Uh-uh, not me. Not in my backyard. But, the implication is there. Zombies and humans have a limited shelf life. Both eventually will die and return to dust.
You might ask how can I know this? Look around. We have spas for rejuvenating vitality, convincing ourselves we can reverse the process of aging. Oils and lotions to keep our faces from losing collagen, so our skin won’t sag to our chest in our retirement years. We run, swim, bike, walk in hopes we can keep the heart pumping to an optimal level in order to avoid a massive coronary or fatal aneurysm. Our commercials tell us we’ll lose twenty pounds from our figure if we consume their products. It’ll make us look young and we’d be able to attract those much younger than us of the opposite sex. How young do we need to regress? Will we be satisfied if we have a magic cure-all to find ourselves back in our mother’s womb?
It’s a craving we have for youth similar to a zombie’s craving for human flesh. In a zombie’s case, no matter how much meat it eats, it will continue to rot until it dies a miserable death. Not much different from humans, really. We can shoot a man to the moon and back but we can’t find a cure for aging.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Do you think zombies represent humanity’s plight against getting old? Can you think of anything else zombies might represent?
The best things in life are free, or so goes the saying. But what if the best things in life are found in the small thirty second blurb called a commercial? Then what? It kind of skews a person’s perception, don’t you think? By their very nature, commercials are supposed to change a person’s perception. So if a commercial should happen to have zombies in it, what would be our opinion of the product? For today’s Monday Mayhem post, let’s have a look at what advertisers are doing with zombies to get you to like their product.
Run For Your Lives (Photo Credit: Reed Street Production)
It’s been a few years now that I’ve notice zombies infiltrating commercials. I roar with laughter when I see those undead meanies take it on the chin when a company promotes their products. Sometimes the ads are smart, making the zombies look realistic and fit for a good beating. Sometimes, of course, the undead don’t look so hot and the producers are the ones who deserve the beating. In any case, whenever those maggot bags do make their appearance in a new ad, I’m anxiously watching the TV wondering what the advertisers have planned for me.
Below are a few of the absolute best zombie commercials available on YouTube. At one point, these ads were on TV, making their rounds, hocking their goods for the companies. Now, they are reminders of how inventive some ad wizards were with their campaign to grab our attention.
Disclaimer: I’m not an affiliate with any of these companies nor do I condone any of the products advertised. I’m simply highlighting quality ads with zombies in them. I’m also not linking to them. However, it doesn’t take a mathematician or a genius scientist to figure out how to find these gems. In fact, there’s your challenge—if you find all six, you win! What do you win? A sense of accomplishment. What did you think I was going to say, a brand new car? I don’t think so.
Doritos: Zombie Party Commercial—Comedy at its best. Zombies arrive at a house party with a pretty blonde as their host. She munches on Doritos all the while entertaining guests. Apparently, her mouth stuffed with the desirable snack causes her to talk zombie, saying things like, “Looks like you work out.” That is until we can plainly discern “that’s what she said” to a stoic undead audience. She clogs her pipes with the chips and once again says the line, this time mumbling. They all laugh.
Zombie Party (Photo Credit: Frito-Lay)
BMW Commercial Zombie—Another good one. In the still of the night, a limping woman hops to escape from a pack of marauding zombies. She falls into a fetal position waiting for fate to takes its course. It isn’t until she realizes she’s still alive that the zombies have another thing on their mind. She sees them admiring a gorgeous BMW. Of course this does not sit well with her. What girl wants to play second fiddle to a car? Attempting to get their attention, she huffs, crossing her arms and tapping her foot. No use, the undead are mesmerized. Fade to the BMW symbol on black.
Zombie Escape / Ford Canada—Guy runs around the corner of a container in a shipping yard to spot his car. He unlocks the door on his remote and makes a run for it while a zombie chews on leftovers of who knows what. He hops into his car. Safe. Or at least he thinks. Inside, zombies surround him. Great makeup, by the way. What to do? He distracts them opening the automatic sunroof, of course. As they’re busy looking into the sky, he escapes to face another rotting corpse heading his way. Slowly heading his way. I wonder why he just doesn’t run. Anyway, he pops the back of the hatch with his foot. Motion sensor, no less. Another distraction. But he has more trouble on the horizon. A crew of zombies drag toward him. He hops back in the car. I guess it’s far better staying with the devil you know than the devil you don’t know. The light bulb flashes above his head. He pops the hood, cranks the tunes and escapes into the sunset while the zombies dance to the rhythm of house music.
Zombies: The Ramifications of Yes (Official Toshiba Commercial)—This is an interesting one. Bigwig executive with the Toshiba development team ponders on the new line of laptops. Images fly through his head of an electrician dropping the equipment, then plugging it into the main electrical grid, which shorts out the system, which in turn causes a kid to drink stale milk from a broken fridge, which causes the kid to bite his roommate, which then causes a zombie apocalypse. Mr. Executive says no, telling off the development team to get their act together and make better equipment. A fun watch for its absolute ridiculousness.
After drinking spoiled milk (Photo Credit: Toshiba)
XXL all sports united vs Zombies—Good gosh, this is a fun watch! Okay, so it starts with a typical suburban neighborhood, you know, woman trimming the rose bushes, man watering the lawn. It quickly escalates from there. Junior riding his scooter darts from a mess load of zombies chasing after him. But it doesn’t end there. The ugly worm-infested beasts are everywhere, crashing through fences, scaring the crap out of sunbathers. Not even the cops are safe. And this is where it gets wild. The zombies have acquired a school bus to which they’ve scale the top and propel golf balls from its surface. Yep, you heard that right. These zombies are sports freaks. As you can imagine the mayhem when zombies gain possession of golf clubs, it becomes a regular party. Until, well, until the people stand their ground with other sporting equipment in hand, tossing the jettisoning golf balls with tennis rackets and maiming the zombies where it counts. Whatever happens to Junior? Oh, he leads the zombies to a stadium where a whole crew of humans outfitted with all sorts of sporting equipment charges the hoard ala William Wallace frenzy. Superb is all I can say.
Run For Your Lives (Official)—This has to be one of the coolest videos. Athletic or not, this is one of those events everyone should participate once in their lifetime. It starts with a mellow soundtrack, a shot of the participants behind a cage, the ribbons. Then we move on to the zombies and their disturbed looks in their eyes and their rotting jowls. The 5K race begins. People sprint, zombies chase. Makes for a great story. Slow motion is awesome for these kinds of shots. John Woo, eat your heart out. On second thought, a zombie could do that. Nevertheless, folks dive through puddles, mud flies everywhere, everybody’s having a grand ol’ time. Shots of the participants smiling fill the screen. Did I say slow motion is awesome? It ends with a massive party, dancing and celebrating the day’s activities. Oh, so good.
I had two more ads to write up, but I think six is enough. After reading my descriptions, you may not need to watch the commercials anyway. Enjoy the hunt!
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
How many of these have you seen? Which one is your favorite?
Looking to God 