Posted in Monday Mayhem

Classic Films Zombie Style II

Remember the movie Jurassic Zombieland? How about Star Wars: Attack of the Zombies? Tell me you remember Zombies of the Lost Ark. Well, I don’t remember them either. They don’t exist. However, for a short time in August, I wrote about these fictitious films in my post Classic Films Zombie Style. I wrote about them as a fun way to enjoy Monday Mayhem.

Classic Films Zombie Style II
Classic Films Zombie Style II

How does it work? Well, I pick a film everyone ought to recognize, then I add a few zombies, amp up the violence, throw in a generous splattering of gore and voilà, you have yourself a zombie classic. Sounds easy, doesn’t it?

Let’s see what Part Two of this series holds for us adventurous hunters of the undead.

Zombienator XVII—Sent from the future, a zombie hunts a boy named John Kenner in an effort to ensure the zombie apocalypse occurs as planned. The eater, an undead beast fitted with an indestructible endoskeleton coated in mimetic polyalloy, hungers vast quantities of human meat. In its mission to find the young man, zombienator leaves behind a vast swath of death and chewed bodies in the wake of its attacks, from one side of Los Angeles all the way to when they first meet. Unknown to the evil maggot bag, another zombienator makes an appearance. This one, as John’s protector. A cat and mouse game ensues until the zombienators clash in a final battle that will determine the fate of humankind. Regardless of who wins, will there be a zombie apocalypse?

Planet of the Zombies—When a U.S. spacecraft breaches the atmosphere and crash lands on what first appears as a uninhabited planet, the astronauts on board have all they can do to escape the destructive inferno. On their trek to find life, they encounter a band of primitive humans grazing in the corn. Without warning, a hunting horn sounds and the humans scatter. The hunters ride on their stallions shooting and tripping snares, capturing the humans as they storm through the cornfields. Within a matter of minutes, the former astronauts discover the riders’ identity is none other than zombie. On this planet, the undead have evolved to become the top species on the food chain, and their plans involve nothing more than to serve human as their main course. Can someone please pass the salt.

Close Encounters of the Undead Kind—Ships from another planet visit Earth with the seedlings of a zombie apocalypse. Their mission to conquer humanity from the inside out propels ordinary citizens into extraordinary actions of courage. Who knew tearing apart a garden would lead to the central headquarters of the alien invasion. Zombies functioning as the aliens’ protectors take to the streets killing all humans who dare stand in their way of total world domination. Only one species will survive, but the aliens may have underestimated the zombies’ ability to yield to their commands. No one knows who will win.


What classic movies would you like to see done with a zombie makeover?

Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombie: The Ultimate Pack Hunter?

Wolves hunt in packs. One wolf is no match against the formidable majesty of an elk. But a pack of wolves can take down the beast without much effort, and share in its spoil. At first glance, zombie behavior seems to match that of wolves—hunting in packs, following their prey until it becomes fatigued, and sharing in the bounty. However, differences remain. This is Monday Mayhem, and these are my thoughts regarding zombie pack hunting.

Zombie pack hunters
Zombie pack hunters

Except for a few films, the majority depict zombies as pack hunters. The typical scenario involves a human stumbling in the midst of a zombie infested feeding ground and becoming the quarry in a quick game of cat and mouse against a horde of undead.

For the pack hunter idea to hold true, it would mean zombies would have to exhibit some form of intelligence in order to coordinate attacks against their victim. Given what we know about zombies—their lack of intellect, agility, and cooperation—coordinated attacks seem unlikely.

Wolves, on the other hand will organize into groups, stalk their prey, and give chase until it falls by the wayside. Should the prey enter a body of water, the pack will lay low while two or more of the ravenous killers stand guard by the edge.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Another difference with zombies and known pack hunters lies in their organization. A pack’s classic configuration contains an Alpha. He’s the dominant male that leads the pack to perform dastardly deeds of horror. Chimpanzees demonstrate this attribute in the wild when two males vie for the top position in the clan. A good example of the Alpha male conflict plays well in the movie Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

So if differences exist between the animal kingdom and zombie packs, what kind of hierarchy do the undead follow?

Zombies function on instinct. Yes, very much like animals. The main component to their internal makeup is their sense of tracking. When one of them spots a potential victim, others in the vicinity respond likewise. You might want to call it a built-in GPS. You can see this behavior at work in movies such as Dawn of the Dead and 28 Days Later.

Other than I Am Legend, which some consider a vampire flick, the Alpha male is missing in popular zombie movies. If anything, the undead act upon external stimuli in a uniformed and structured fashion. If one smells human, they all smell human. Thus, the chase begins. Soldiers can eliminate the front line of an advancing undead army, but zombies are too dumb to know when to give up. They’ll continue forward until every human becomes the evening’s main dish.

Inasmuch even I would enjoy seeing zombies emulate wolf pack behavior, the undead have their own agenda. I’m sure one day someone will come up with the idea of having an Alpha male leading a pack of zombies through an apocalypse. Until then, we have to wait and enjoy what we currently have at our disposal.


What do you think of zombie packs? Do you think Alphas leading the horde would prove even more terrifying?

Posted in Freedom Friday

Ideas and Decisions

Most of my best ideas come to me at five in the morning while shaving. To a lesser degree, ideas also pop into my head while showering. What is it about personal hygiene that makes me want to think about the future? Does it have anything to do with washing away the cumulative dirt and grime from the day before in preparation for a new beginning? Let’s find out as I attempt to make sense of the whole thing for Freedom Friday.

The Blade
The Blade

When I was in that awkward age hitting puberty, I knew I had to start taking bathing more seriously. I mean, for two years I grew up on a farm in Italy, and access to running water was an issue for my family. So I understood the concept of washing my face, but beyond that, I was your typical boy running around, playing soccer in the mud, and getting all excited when my friends wanted to skip rocks down by the river. Mark Twain would have loved me.

Anyway, when I moved back to Canada with my parents, baths became a normal routine, and shaving all of a sudden needed my attention. I had just turned fourteen and my face looked like something out of Planet of the Apes. My dad had bought me my first razor. He was proud of me. I had finally reached maturity. Right, maybe physically, but mentally, even now at times, I still had the brain of a ten-year-old.

I can’t remember how long but if I’m not mistaken, shaving took me about fifteen to twenty minutes. I used to do it once, twice a week in the evening. I couldn’t do it before going to school ‘cause it took me, like, furr-ev-ah. At least, I thought. But once I was no longer a student, had a regular job, shaving turned into a daily chore. I couldn’t avoid it. My five o’clock shadow would always show up at around three in the afternoon.

Gosh, I’m reading that previous paragraph thinking, that’s an awful lot of information for a back story to what I wanted to talk about. Meh, I’ll leave it in. You tell me if you enjoyed it or not.

Okay, let’s travel to the present day. It roughly takes me five to ten minutes to shave every day now. Yes, every day, including weekends. Other than having my mind on the blade gliding on my face, my thoughts also wander. I think about things. Mull things over. Wonder and ponder on the meaning of why certain events happened the day before, the week before, that month. I don’t mean to. It just happens. Now I question if this is normal. I’m sure it is.

For instance, a millennia ago, it was while I was shaving that I’d decided to marry my wife. It was also when the idea popped into my mind about where we’d enjoy our honeymoon. Eventually, after a few years married, talk of kids came. As I would cut away the whiskers from my beard, I had convinced myself kids were a good thing to have. Believe me—I’m talking about months of shaving therapy here.

A beach in the Caribbean
A beach in the Caribbean

As life went on, thoughts of buying a house crept into the mix. Wanting to get a cat. Buying a used car. Getting a bigger house. Painting the rooms. Buying a new car. Planting a garden. Having another kid. Volunteering at the church. Driving the kids to their ball games. Planning vacations. Attending weddings. Attending baptisms. Attending funerals. Meeting new people. Having had enough of some people. Christmases. Easters. Thanksgivings.

Of course there were those mornings I’d think of other things too. Like, how long has that paint been peeling next to the mirror? Or, when did I last have an oil change? I’m sure it was last month. It has to be last month.

All in all, after the thousands of blades I must have consumed over the course of my lifetime, I have never regretted not wanting to have a beard.


Where do your ideas come from? Have you ever made life decisions while performing menial tasks?