When I hear people say, “Oh, she’s only a cheerleader.” I say, “Yeah, can you perform a front handspring, step out, round off back handspring, step out, round off back handspring, full twisting layout?” That’s when the glazed look falls on their face. Torrance can. I wouldn’t have her performing full twisting layouts on Women Who Wow Wednesday otherwise.
Kirsten Dunst as Torrance Shipman
Torrance Shipman (Kirsten Dunst) is up for captain of the Rancho Carne High School cheerleading squad in San Diego, California. We’re talking about the premier five-time national champions. Big Red, the current leader, is retiring. After a quick vote, Torrance clinches control and her first order of business is to assert her ascent to the throne. The dreaded words Wolf Wall fly from her mouth and everyone groans. Up they go, building one of the most fearsome pyramids in cheerleading. A few failed attempts doesn’t deter Torrance. She wants it. One last time and they make it, but in the air, the squad swivels, tilts, and shakes until Carver, their lead cheerleader, slips to her demise.
Les: You know, everyone’s saying that your ambition broke Carver’s leg. Torrance Shipman: When really it was the angle in which she slammed into the ground.
Nothing will hold Torrance back from achieving a sixth national win.
Bring It On’s Torrance Shipman
Bring It On is one of those movies that doesn’t have much of a plot, but it sure has a lot of heart. Spawning four sequels, whenever I need a good jolt of can-do attitude, I pop this into my player, sit back and let the positive vibes fill my soul.
Without giving too much away, Torrance’s challenge is keeping the team together after Big Red’s departure. This means quashing the rebellious takeover plans of two of the Rancho Carne Toros’ wannabe bosses and keeping everyone happy after a major revelation nearly disintegrates their chances at the Nationals.
Did you know that cheerleading accounts for almost two-thirds of all catastrophic sports injuries among high school girls? Imagine the enormous pressure on Torrance’s shoulders after Carver’s accident. Any ordinary person would have said buh-bye. Not Torrance.
Among the best attributes in Torrance’s character is her unwillingness to quit. No matter what gets in her way, she seems to thrive on overcoming obstacles. Her determination of wanting to remain the best causes her team to rise to new challenges, explore new ideas, and work harder than ever in order to attain perfection. She’s not one to take it in the chin and lie down. She a fighter. And fighters tend to go the distance, even if they are cheerleaders.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Have you seen Bring It On? What did you think of Torrance? Did you like how she led the team in spite of the failures?
I love action movies, and now that World War Z has proven the undead belong in Hollywood A-list films, I’m excited to see where the next crop of fast zombies will appear. However, the beasts shouldn’t show up just anywhere. Producers and directors should think about expanding the zombie universe by perhaps including these creatures in remakes of multi-million dollar hits. Yes, it’s a stretch, but imagine what fun it could be.
Below are three movies I think would be interesting to watch as remakes with a zombie twist. No one can say no one has ever thought of this. Let’s have some fun!
Jurassic Zombieland—In a remote island off the coast of Costa Rica, the government is conducting experiments in dinosaur cloning. Preliminary successes yielded the birth of Triceratops, Apatosaurus and the formidable Tyrannosaurus Rex. But something goes horribly wrong. Human DNA accidentally creeps into a Velociraptor gene pool and the next batch of clones pops out as stillborns, half-dinosaur and half-human. Before scientists could purge the dead batch, the legion of Zombiesaurus spring to life, eat the humans then battle for island supremacy against the other dinosaurs. Who wouldn’t want to visit this as a theme park?
Star Wars: Attack of the Zombies—A virus is taking hold of the planet Naboo rendering all Gungans as zombies. When Gungan Ambassador Jar Jar Binks appears before the Galactic Senate, unaware he’s a carrier of the dreaded disease, he infects half of the senators. Palpatine, whose clear ambition is to wrestle control from the senate in order to become all-encompassing ruler, requests aid from the Jedi to eradicate the Gungans. While the Jedi are away, he proclaims himself emperor and uses the virus as grounds to destroy the senate with his newly formed clone army. All would have gone according to plan except for one thing—Palpatine himself turns into a zombie.
Indiana Jones zombified by MK Luis
Zombies of the Lost Ark—On an archeological expedition to unearth the ark of the covenant, Indiana Jones travels to Egypt where he encounters an army of the undead ravaging Cairo. Unbeknownst to Indy, the golden idol he had stolen weeks before from a temple in South America carried with it a curse. Whoever possesses the idol ten days after its removal from the temple would have a zombie plague unleashed on him and all those in his charge. Indy’s arch nemesis, René Belloq, has fallen under that plague, and now is wreaking havoc throughout the Middle East. Will Jones find the Ark in time before the great apocalypse spreads further?
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Do you have any other movies you’d like to see zombified? How do you like the idea of E.T. as a zombie?
She’s the chick every guy in high school has his eye on. She’s hotter than a rally yellow Chevrolet Camaro. And she’s the girl who ends up with the biggest prize of all—being part of the team that ultimately saves the world from annihilation. I am thrilled to present Mikaela Banes of the Transformers series for this week’s Women Who Wow Wednesday.
Mikaela Banes and Soldiers
As a little girl, Mikaela (Megan Fox) learned about cars from her jail-prone car thief dad. She’d never admit her mechanical talents to her boyfriends though, why ruin a good relationship with their inferiority complex. But when she meets Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf), who incidentally drives around in a piece-of-crap, broken down, 1977 Camaro his dad had purchased for him on his birthday, she feels compelled to help the kid out with his ride:
Mikaela: You got a high rise double-pump carburetor. That’s… that’s pretty impressive, Sam. Sam Witwicky: Double-pump? Mikaela: It squirts the fuel in so you can go faster. Sam Witwicky: Oh… I like to go faster.
The next time we meet Mikaela is on her back, after Sam runs into her moped on the street.
You see, Sam’s not some ordinary kid. He’s what you call special. Not special in a weird way, but special in the sense his great-great-grandfather in 1935 had made one of the most awesome discoveries in the history of the world. He discovered frozen in ice, Megatron, the leader of the Decepticons, a race of robots sent to deplete the earth of its resources. This is a big deal ‘cause by the time the remnant of the Decepticons catch up with Sam, eBay username ladiesman217, in the middle of the street with Mikaela, Bumblebee, the piece-of-crap Camaro Sam owns, rides in to save the day.
Mikaela Banes
The chase is on. They hit the street leaving smoke behind. After several cat-and-mouse games, Bumblebee throws the kids on the ground behind him and transforms into an Autobot, a good guy from the planet Cybertron. A battle ensues, but the more interesting battle happens when a smaller, meaner Decepticon chases after Sam.
Mikaela darts to a tool shed to find her choice instrument of pain. She revs it up and goes after the puny, insignificant weasel that dares attack her friend, Sam. Brandishing the chainsaw, she makes meat out of the Decepticon.
When Bumblebee vanquishes the larger Decepticon, he confesses his identity to Sam, transforms back to a Camaro. Then Sam utters the words that I think makes the whole movie worth the cost of admission and then some:
Sam Witwicky: He wants us to get in the car. Mikaela: [laughing nervously] And go where? Sam Witwicky: Fifty years from now, when you’re looking back at your life, don’t you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?
And right there is a lifetime of journeys.
I can tell you more about Mikaela, the glasses, of how she uses a tow truck to defeat the Decepticons with Bumblebee in tow, but I think I’ll end it here—with the decision of a lifetime. Mikaela had to make that decision, and at one point in our lives, we too have to make some major decision somewhere. We may have already made it. We may not know what it is, but at least we had guts enough to make it.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Fifty years from now, when you’re looking back at your life, don’t you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?
Every so often, I’ll watch a movie where a voracious entity of undead means traps a human victim in an ordinary area such as a garage with no way of defense. Most of the time I’m screaming at the TV with suggestions of how to kill the approaching beast. Grab the rake! Use the water hose! The garden shears are on the bench!
Are you Ready?
What would my Monday Mayhem feature be without having some fun with everyday household items that can also act as weapons against zombies? I touched on this subject once before in my post Saying No to Zombies, but I’ve always wanted to expand on it.
[Disclaimer: Please folks, this list is written entirely as satire in regards to fighting zombies. Don’t be stupid and attempt these with a human or any other living thing. It’s not only a dumb thing to do. It’s illegal.]
Here is my top 10 list of household items anyone can use to fend off an intruding zombie (in no particular order):
Knife—The simplest of utensils for cutting meats and vegetables can also function as a quick solution to a zombie problem. Always aim for the head. Never stab once. Multiple holes translate to multiple chances of killing the brain.
Fireplace Poker—A practical instrument for rotating wood in a fire, its pointed end will serve as the perfect answer to oncoming evil creatures. Its hook can also provide a means to catch an unsuspecting zombie, but no one want’s to do that. However, the easiest way to utilize this tool is to swat and swat hard. Remember the rule? Always aim for the head.
Snow Globe—These ornaments usually find themselves on bookshelves, nightstands, tables, fridges, and in some instances, bathrooms. These are the brute-force-approach type items. Meaning, the impact delivery system is directly proportionate to the amount of force applied by the defender on the zombie’s cerebellum or any other part of the rotting head. Much like the knife, the more blows delivered, the greater the chances of escaping.
Splinters—These suckers can come from anywhere. A desk drawer can turn into a pile of splinters if the correct amount of force distributes from drawer to wall. Even smashing a hardwood floor will yield splinters. Once in hand, they can work pretty much like knives (see above). The best part about splinters is their ability to break in chunks in order to lodge pieces in the zombie brain. Of the remnant, one can utilize to remove organs (i.e. eyes. A zombie that can’t see can’t eat.)
Weapons
Garden Hose—This neat little item can function on multiple levels. The water set at high pressure can disorient and confuse a zombie when shot in the face. The hose itself can also work as an instrument of strangulation. It will not kill it but it sure would be fun trying. In addition, used properly, the hose can work as a crude method for an explosive device. The simplest way is shoving the hose down the zombie’s throat and turning on the water. Within a matter of seconds the whole thing should blow.
Broom—A quick and dirty instrument of death to instill terror in the hearts of minions by utilizing its handle to poke, maim and kill. It is also useful for whacking brains from skulls until splatter designs appear on the surrounding walls and floor.
Glass—Found throughout the house, glass can provide the first line of defense against the ravenous undead. Holding a broken bottle by the neck will not threaten a zombie. Drilling it into its face will however force the zombie to step away enough for a rapid escape. Never underestimate the power of sand heated at high temperatures.
Salt—In ol’ zombie folklore, forcing a zombie to eat salt will cause the corpse to realize it’s dead and will head back to the grave. The question is how do you feed a zombie? I’d rather take a more aggressive approach with my zombie feedings. Grab a fistful of the white stuff and toss it in its face. If it doesn’t eat the salt, it will certainly lose a portion of its sight. At least I hope.
Chair—This is an easy item to use as it can function as not only defense against approaching gut suckers, pushing the chair in their faces, but also can serve the dual purpose of acting as a weapon, wailing on the undead until they’re completely dead.
Door—The trick to using a door as a weapon is getting a zombie to step into one. Easiest way to do this is offering bait, preferably a friend. Once it’s taken the bait, watch as it attempts to make its way into the room. Best practices involve utilizing the zombie’s own inertia when door makes contact with its body. If luck presents itself the beast will peek between the door and the doorframe, no hesitation should take place in regards to ramming door to stationary object. Ooze and blood trails will indicate success.
I’m sure there are many, many more utensils, tools and common every day items that can work to fight off a zombie infestation.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Do you have any suggestions of items you’d like to add to the list?
Who? Yeah, that’s what I was hoping you’d ask. Haley Graham, super-pumped female gymnast who blows away the competition with genius tricks and phenomenal backbone. Keeping it real, she and her crew take no prisoners. Today, she’s burning treads on Women Who Wow Wednesday.
Haley Graham
You say you haven’t seen Stick It? There’s no excuse. Get it. The girls in the film are those who zombies would fear. They wouldn’t even need shotguns. All they’d need is a pair of leos to bust some bones. With gymnastics described more as a car race, you’ll love the lingo:
Burt Vickerman: You’re popping your clutch, losing traction. Haley Graham: I’m not popping [censored] Burt Vickerman: Are you sure? Haley Graham: I’m so sure I’m practically deodorant.
Haley Graham (played by Canadian actress Missy Peregrym) gets caught busting up a new model home with her bike. The judge gives her a choice: boot camp or VGA. No way is she goin’ to VGA. Boot camp. The judge begs to differ. VGA it is.
Missy Peregrym as Haley Graham
VGA—The Vickerman Gymnastics Academy—notorious for turning little girls into elite gymnasts at the cost of injuries. What did Haley get herself into? There are over 2000 navy seals in the U.S. There are only 200 elite gymnasts. The price? Six-hour days training tricks that could kill you.
Haley’s philosophy is simple: “If you’re gonna eat mat, you eat mat hard.” And why not? If you’re going to do something, you do it to win. No half-hearted attempts. No one remembers second best. But Vickerman (Jeff Bridges), coach extraordinaire, doesn’t want Haley eatin’ mat. He asks, “Are you gonna learn to control your tricks or do we need to have an ambulance on call?” As if Haley would respond to a rational argument, “Call ‘em up.”
And what does she think of her training with Vickerman?
Gymnastics tells you no. All day long. It mocks you over and over again. Telling you you’re an idiot. That you’re crazy. If you like running full-speed towards a stationary object, vault’s for you. If you like pealing pieces of skin the size of quarters off your hands, bars is for you. If you like falling, then gymnastics is the sport for you! You get to fall on your face. Your ass. Your back. Your knees. And your pride! It’s a good thing I didn’t like falling… I LOVED IT!
Training
Her fire for perseverance and thunder for winning infects the entire team with wild results. Pretty soon, the other girls are popping their clutch.
Defiance
Yet Haley’s not all about Haley. When one of her teammates gets trashed by the judges ‘cause her bra strap is showing, Haley’s defiance proves incendiary with the other gymnasts. Screaming full speed toward the vault, she stops short of busting her trick, pops on the apparatus, exposes her bra straps, and purposely scratches on her attempt.
Burt Vickerman: Wait. Next time you should stick your tongue out too. Haley Graham: I would, but my coach likes it when I control my tricks.
Haley’s move gives the gold to her teammate since all the other gymnasts scratched on all their vault attempts as well.
The VGA Team
That’s what Haley’s all about, not to prove she’s the best, but sticking it so the team would be the true winner in the end.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Have you ever sacrificed something you wanted for the good of someone or something else?
Now that World War Z is part of movie history, perhaps this is a good time to have a heart to heart talk. I don’t think I’m spoiling anything if I were to ask a simple question. Some folks might have their opinions, and quite frankly, I’m interested in hearing what those opinions are. After all, I write my Monday Mayhem series hoping to understand what you, the audience, finds exciting about zombies.
Fast Zombie (photo credit: Plan B)
Therefore, without further delay, here’s my question: What do you think of fast zombies?
You didn’t really think I’d pass up the opportunity to discuss these speed demons, did you? They’re a terror to the masses. They flock like birds evading a predator. Only, they are the predators. I would find it horrifying if one would come after me. But fifty? A hundred? A thousand? Time to bring out the big guns.
As many of you probably know, and if you’ve read me long enough, I’m a lover of old school zombies. I enjoy seeing them lurch, drag, lumber their way from one corridor to the next in close proximity to where humans become their main dish. Not much goes on in their deteriorating puss sacks except for a few thoughts, which is possibly instinct anyway. Where’s the food? Need the food. Eat food. It would be quite a challenge when two of these belly suckers have their victim trapped, one at the foot of the stairs as another makes its way down, all the while the victim says their prayers, smack dab in the middle, of course.
I suppose the reason for these slow encounters in the past had to do with how Hollywood shot zombies back then. Unless A-list stars took top billing in projects, budgets for these films remained as close to a shoestring as possible. Even more so, if a movie did have an A-list star attached to the project, the film wouldn’t guarantee a heavy reliance on special effects to get their point across. The audience was different back in the Sixties and Seventies, folks could sit through a two and a half hour movie where the characters do nothing but talk.
To pile more stuff on the DNR table, technology back then did not permit super-fast zombies to exist either. So even if a smart producer were to have said they could see zombies that could sprint the streets and crash into trucks like stampeding elephants, studios wouldn’t know how to present such a scenario. They would have needed the imagination of Steven Spielberg to aid in the quest to bring these creatures to life. But Spielberg was too busy making sharks look larger than life than to worry about making zombies fast.
Brad vs. The Zombie (photo credit: Plan B)
Anyway, that’s my two-paragraph Hollywood history lesson I didn’t mean to write yet appeared in an edited stream of consciousness writing session. What was my point again? Oh, yes. I like slow zombies.
Then I Am Legend made its debut. Already I hear the sharpening of the knives. Yes, I know these creatures are vampires—in. the. book. The movie however, makes no distinction. The audience can look at these creatures as vampires. Alternatively, they can look at them as zombies. It’s entirely open for interpretation. Nevertheless, the point being, these creatures are super-fast, able to crash into cars with very little damage to themselves, and leap, dash, plummet in bounds. Not much different from the zombies in World War Z, right?
Now, I have to admit something. I like fast zombies too. I think, hadn’t it been for today’s special effects, fast zombies wouldn’t have been possible. Stories with these undead involve being out in the open with them chasing after you. Hollywood has the technology to do it now. And, well, I’m kind of embracing it knowing there’s an infinitely vast potential of story left to watch from the movie studios featuring these rambunctious creatures.
Those are my thoughts on the subject.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Today is the day. Today is World War Z day. If you don’t know by now, this weekend will either make or break the zombie genre with the film’s take at the box office. I haven’t been this excited for a film premier since the first Transformers came out. When I think about it, I’ve had some interesting movie going experiences in my life. I might as well share them with you for my Freedom Friday series.
Jurassic Park
Jurassic Park—I wrote about Dr. Ellie Sattler for my Women Who Wow Wednesday this week, and I think it fitting if you knew what it took to see this movie in the theater. Mind you, 1993 was not that long ago, and we were pretty modern back then. We had the big 70mm screens with THX certified sound systems. Toronto, especially, had a handful of awesome theaters this size to fit capacity crowds. It was at this time my wife and I wanted to see it. Well, I wanted to see it bad and she tagged along, although ultimately she enjoyed it too.
Opening weekend, we decided on the theater we wanted to go, you know, big screen, big sound, and it sold out. Also, during those days, there was no such thing as advanced ticket buying, at least not for that theater. Second week, sold out again. Unbelievable. Everyone was talking about this movie and I couldn’t even get in to see it. Third week, you got it, sold out. And when I say sold out, I mean all shows for that day, gone. Forth week, I decided to be aggressive and went in on my lunch hour to see if I could get tickets for a late evening show. The woman said she couldn’t do it. No advance sales. I pleaded with her almost to the point of getting on my knees. Nope, couldn’t do it. I was about to leave sporting downtrodden shoulders. Well, I guess I was tenacious enough. She gave in. Two tickets for the five o’clock showing. I took them without so much as a quibble. A question gnawed at my brain. I asked her what the big deal was with the movie. She simply said, “Once you see it, you’ll have your answer.”
The Dark Knight’s Joker
The Dark Knight—When Heath Ledger passed away five years ago last January, an aura of solemnity and secrecy surrounded the final preparations of this film’s release. In the months following, seeing the first images of The Joker on the posters and trailers made the film’s anticipated premier eerie. I know I had all I could do but wonder what happened. My wife had made it clear, she did not want any part of it. I understood. It was somewhat creepy seeing Ledger on the big screen knowing he wasn’t with us anymore.
Opening weekend, I hopped into my car, headed to the theater, parked and headed inside. Our town’s theater is one of those big twelve-theater complexes with the latest and greatest technology. We currently have this UltraAVX addition with reserved seating, giant wall-to-wall screen, immersive sound, digital projection, rocker chairs, you know, the works. Five years ago, although we had the big screen, it was hard getting in to see these juggernaut movies. So, unless I got there real early, and bought a ticket in advance, I would have to rely on God’s good graces to finding a seat in the theater. It didn’t help that I arrived late. Anyway, I end up at the ticket booth, and I asked for a seat for the seven o’clock showing of The Dark Knight. I remember this because I still have the stub. The woman looked at me, looked at her computer screen and said, “Honey, there are only two seats available. You’ll be lucky if you find one right at the very front.” I told her I’d take my chances.
By this time, I’m having all this stuff go through my head of being stuck in the front, which will later result in a neck injury ‘cause I wanted to see a popular movie I didn’t adequately plan for. Whatever happens, I thought, I’ll take it like a man. I walk in. Packed. Oh, gosh, now what? The ticket agent said there were two seats available. I begin my search in the front rows, to the evil stares of those who got there early. I know, I know. I should I have gotten here earlier. Relax already. I’ll be out of your way in a minute. I then scan the entire theater from the side. I can’t believe I can’t find the seats. I felt like an idiot. The trailers were about to start and I can hear the thoughts of the audience saying, goof, standing in the aisle, you’re outta luck.
The first trailer started and there, right in the center of the audience, right in the middle of the theater, the seat appeared. Is that free? Really? I walk to the aisle where the seat rested and motioned to those next to it if it was really free. I don’t quite remember how I did it. All I remember is a lady nodding at me. I made my way through the crowded aisle and took my seat. If the woman next to me didn’t know better, my grin from one ear to ear almost freakishly made me look like The Joker. And there I sat, the best seat in the house, smack-dab in the heart of the theater watching The Joker get into the van, and that eerie single note hanging there, introducing the film.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen—Still with me? I’ll make this story short. I had wanted to see this movie for a while in the theater, but didn’t feel like paying full price for it. Yeah, I caught some of the reviews indicating it lacked a little something the original had. So the most I’d pay is for a matinee performance, which I did catch. The funny part about this story is what happened during the movie while it played. As a preamble to this recounting, the skies were dark and it was just right for a good ol’ fashioned thunderstorm.
Well, here I sat in the theater enjoying the movie when all of a sudden, in between the explosions on the screen, a massive rumbling rattled all of us from our seats. That did not come from the screen. Then another rumbling accompanied by a crack from up high startled us. We were only a few, but during some of the screen’s massive explosions, a low murmur went through the audience. Right then, the film stopped and the auxiliary emergency lights turned on. Another earthquake-like tremor echoed just above my ears. We all looked at each other. The rain started. It pounded hard on the roof. We heard the whole thing as if it were THX audio. The whole thing lasted fifteen minutes, but it was entertaining talking with the folks in the theater while all this chaos happened outside. It felt like a camaraderie had come of the event.
Once the storm settled, the emergency lights turned off, and the movie whirred back into existence.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Have you had any weird things happen to you when you were in the theater?
Looking to God 