Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombie Apocalypse: Causes

The other day, an article published October 29, 2007 on Cracked.com titled 5 Scientific Reasons a Zombie Apocalypse Could Actually Happen, caught my eye. I typically base most of my posts on multiple sources. However, because the site’s article instilled such a horrible chill in my bones, I decided to focus my entire Monday Mayhem post on two of its main points.

Neuron
Neuron

To start, Cracked’s scientific reasons made sense. Two in particular had an air of reality that no one could deny. I’ll concentrate on these two, but I’ll add my own spin to the equation. Furthermore, the definition of a zombie comes into question when the victims of these causes remain alive during the time of their undead-like episodes. Keep that in mind when evaluating the viability of these two points.

Neurotoxins—The literal definition of the word neurotoxin means nerve poison. Ever fill up on fuel? A common neurotoxin is ethanol. Imagine what’s happening in the brain when those gas fumes seep into the pores of the skin. Pretty gnarly, if I can still use the Eighties word gnarly to describe anything beyond radical. Neurotoxins can produce weird effects on the body. In some cases, depending on the agents used, they can even fool doctors into believing patients suffering neurotoxic poisoning are deceased. Kicker neurotoxins such as Alkaloids leave victims in a trancelike state with no memory, and with motor skills intact. Voodoo doctors in Haiti used Alkaloids to zombify people in the Sixties so they could get them to work on sugar plantations without resistance. Talk about forced labor, or rather, zombie labor. Will that be a double-double or do you take your coffee black?

Brain Parasites—In the simplest terms, a human ingests a parasite that makes them go all funky. This means loss of mental faculties, no cognitive awareness, and pure brain meltdown. The article mentions Toxoplasma gondii as a potential candidate to jumpstart the end of humanity. According to the numbers, a third of the world’s population already has it. The spread happens by ingesting undercooked meat containing the parasite, contaminated water, soil or vegetables, and transmission from mother to infant via pregnancy. Some of the effects after the infection include subtle behavioral or personality changes, and a number of neurological disorders, in particular schizophrenia. This type of stuff ought to keep anyone awake at night.

Taenia solium
Taenia solium

Ah, but I’m not done yet. Cysticercosis is my parasite of choice of which I think may usher in the zombie apocalypse. The infection occurs when a human ingests eggs of Taenia solium, pork tapeworm. This nasty biological marvel has an incubation period of months to ten years! This means if a human were to have eaten undercooked pork containing viable cysticerci, the host will not know it until its too late. Should any of the eggs make it into the muscles, it would cause muscle swelling, atrophy and fibrosis. Should any of the eggs make it into the brain, it would cause headaches, brain lesions, and seizures. Investigating this further, the CDC specifies Cysticercosis can also cause confusion, difficulty with balance, brain swelling, and even death. Sounds zombie-like to me, don’t you think?

Cracked featured three other reasons a zombie apocalypse could actually happen: The Real Rage Virus, Neurogenesis, and Nanobots. I may tackle these someday. For now, though, you can read more in the original article.

Have you read about neurotoxins or brain parasites? Does it scare you as much it scares me?

Posted in Freedom Friday

Spring Cleaning

The other day I took to my closet, put on a pair of old, tattered jeans, a t-shirt, and hit my home office. I’ve been planning to paint it for a couple of years now. Only recently did I decide the time was right to do something about it.

Clean Your Room
Clean Your Room

For this Freedom Friday post, I’d like to take you on a spring cleaning adventure. Believe me when I say it’s not as adventurous as I’m making it out to be.

Over the past couple of years, my home office had gone into disrepair. I had boxes of utter junk I had kept around for those “just in case” moments when I needed that half-bent, used straw I had saved from that frosty I had months ago. Bags and bags of paperwork I hadn’t tackled for a long time rested dormant waiting for my sorting hands. I’m still not done yet. The shredder’s going to have a lot work to do soon.

The biggest problem was all the computer parts I had accumulated. I’m talking about desktop boxes, monitors, network cards, hard drives, sound cards, motherboards, memory chips, graphics cards, printer cables, network cables, fans, desktop speakers, subwoofers, mice, keyboards, mice pads, and on and on. I can’t believe how much money I burned through the years on old desktop computers that today I can easily replace with a laptop, a tablet or phone. Sad, really.

All these parts belonged to computers I had set up throughout the house when the iPad was a glint in Steve Jobs’ eye. As they became obsolete, I’d retire them into my home office to one day sell them for parts. Well, we all know how that turned out. You may ask, how many were there, Jack? Seven desktop computers with monitors. Yeah, crazy, eh? There was a time that each room had a computer. Maintenance choked every ounce of goodness from me.

Computer Junk Heap
Computer Junk Heap

Anyway, I took them all apart. I reformatted the hard drives, and poured water and sugar in its assembly chambers. I then took my trusty screwdriver and poked holes through the platters. It’ll take the expertise of the FBI to piece them all together. Even then, no way could anyone rescue any of the data on those suckers. Too late, though. They’re already at the dump.

Now, if you didn’t know better, I could be working for the CSIS (Canadian Security Intelligence Service). Then again, I wouldn’t admit it, would I? Nor would I post that information on a blog. A mischievous smile penetrates Jack’s face.

Nevertheless, I pulled together all that old equipment and hauled it to the curb. And this is the truth: at the very moment I had placed the last computer on the curb, a black van of no distinct marking pulled into the drive, swung open its back doors and two men slipped the equipment into its belly. It was quick. Not even thirty seconds they were gone. I thought, guys, the hard drives are not with the boxes. I guess they’ll find out once they take them apart in their secret lab.

I now have a clean room. At least the bulk of the mess is under control. I still have a long way to go. I think in the next few days I’ll get rid of the old posters of The Godfather: Part III and Terminator 2: Judgment Day. They’ve been on the walls forever.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.

Have you done any spring cleaning? What items have you gotten rid of that served its purpose in the day?

Posted in Women Who Wow Wednesday

Adrian

Who can ever forget Rocky Balboa calling out Adrian’s name in the middle of the ring after going the distance with the boxing champion of the world, Apollo Creed? I never did. Rocky is the energy, Adrian is the strength. Let’s have a closer look at Adrian for this week’s Women Who Wow Wednesday.

Rocky and Adrian
Rocky and Adrian

Adrian is ordinary. Plain. Almost non-existent. Her hair greasy. She dresses like an old woman who’s never been alone with a man. Insecure. Yet, Rocky sees beyond the funky glasses into her heart. She has a good heart.

She works in a pet shop. Not the most exotic of jobs, but she manages to pay the bills. Her deep love for animals is a testament to her warm nature. When she closes shop, Rocky visits her bringing a new joke, “The last turtle food I got here had more moths in it than flies.” Not funny as it is sweet. She let’s Rocky be Rocky.

When they go out for the first time, Rocky takes her skating. The rink custodian would not budge on giving them ice time. It is Thanksgiving, after all. Rocky had to convince the custodian Adrian isn’t feeling well and he is performing an act of charity. Sure, ten minutes, ten bucks. As they skate, they know something is there between them. He had gaps, she had gaps. They fill gaps.

Rocky: “My old man, he was never too smart. He says to me, ‘You weren’t born much of a brain, so start usin’ your body.’”
Adrian: “My mother, she said the opposite thing. ‘You weren’t born much of a body, so you’d better develop your brain.’”

Adrian and Rocky
Adrian and Rocky

Soon after, Apollo’s people come a callin’ on Rocky to give the unknown contender a title shot at the Heavyweight Boxing Championship of the World. All because his ring name is the Italian Stallion and would sound incredible on the billing. What Apollo doesn’t know is Rocky is not the type to give up. He will keep coming after the champion until the end.

At the same time, a transformation begins to take hold of Adrian. Gone are the glasses, greasy hair, and frumpy attire. In their place, a beautiful complexion, a wonderful cut, and stylish, comfortable clothing. Adrian also fights back against her controlling brother Paulie who kept her down for so long so she could take care of him.

When the night of the big fight arrives, Adrian stays close to Rocky providing support. There’s no other place she’d rather be than by her man. Rocky knows this, using her as his strength to get through round after round of butchering. And when he does make it to the fifteenth and final round, when everyone tells him to stay down from a knockout, Adrian shows up at the auditorium door with her little red barrette. She couldn’t stand being away from him, even though he asked her to wait for him in the dressing room until it is over. She closes her eyes and accepts Rocky’s fate. Does Rocky see her? Is it her? We don’t know. His eyes are sealed shut. Apollo made sure of that.

The crowd chants, “Rocky! Rocky!

He gets up, tosses a few more punches, and the fight’s over. The auditorium goes crazy. Reporters break into the scene. Police try to keep everyone back. Paulie complains the cop’s damaging his suit.

In all of this Rocky cries out, “Adrian! Adrian!”

She makes her way through the crowd, “Rocky! Rocky!”

Reporters stick microphones into Rocky’s face, “Will there be a rematch, Rock? Will there be a rematch?”

“I don’t know.” He barks. “Adrian! Adrian!”

She finally makes it into the ring.

“I love you!”

“I love you!”

Fade to black.

As the series progresses, Adrian becomes Rocky’s conscious. His strength. His reason. She comes into her own. Her self-confidence blooms. When Rocky’s not sure, she is sure. She has no doubt. Through it all, there’s no other place she’d rather be than by her man. Filling gaps.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.

What do you think of Adrian? Do you have a favorite Rocky movie?

Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombie Sightings

Life guarantees two things: death and taxes. Neither of which present a viable option of escape. I’d like to add a third to the mix: zombies. Everywhere we turn nowadays, zombies have the rule of the roost. They’re in movies, books, magazines, radio, TV, everyday chit-chat. Hard to avoid, really. If I didn’t know better, I’d say a conspiracy’s afoot.

World War Z
World War Z

Let’s have a look at where we can find zombies in the upcoming months. Oh, and I don’t have to mention this is my Monday Mayhem post, do I? Didn’t think so.

World War Z—If industry experts are right, this movie will either be extremely successful or fail miserably. I’m hoping the former rather than the latter. Based on the book by Max Brooks and staring Brad Pitt, this film’s about a full-blown zombie apocalypse. I don’t want to describe any more of it so as not to give anything away, but the promotional material sure makes this film look exciting.

The Walking DeadCurrently filming Season 4 for an October 2013 premier, the show is about a group of apocalypse survivors who search for a safe haven from evil. The evil being zombies. Although no one ever utters the word zombie, labels such as Roamers, Walkers, Lamebrains, and Geeks make for good replacements. More than your typical zombie show, The Walking Dead is more about friendship and survival. Every episode tries each friendship further and further in a refining fire. The audience watches this in awe, wondering how much can the characters take. Through the yelling, screaming, betrayals and hatred, the survivors carry on, stronger, more determined to accomplish their goal of finding safety away from the Walkers.

The Zombie Run—Actors dressed as zombies chase participants in a 5K (3.1 mile) run or sorts. The entire course features thematic elements of a zombie apocalypse (helicopters, flipped cars, fog machines, etc.). Boyhood buddies and race organizers Andrew Hudis and David Feinman came up with the idea when Hudis told Feinman he runs fastest when being chased. From there the idea took off (pun intended). Proceeds go to Active Heroes, a charity that aids veterans, active duty military, and families. A portion also goes to local charities of the host city.

Humans vs. Zombies—The rage sweeping college campuses everywhere. Students describe it as the most elaborate game of tag anyone’s ever played. Awesome, as some have said. How does it work? Two Original Zombies go up against about 150 humans. Armed with marshmallows, balled-up socks, and Nerf guns, the humans try to take out the zombies. Upon first inspection, a great disparity exists in numbers. However, that soon changes when one learns the zombies have a big advantage. After sitting out for fifteen minutes, the zombies can attack again. As this happens, the proportionate ratio of zombies to humans grows. The game seems like something I would have played in college.

Humans vs. Zombies (Photo credit: http://brittonpeele.com)
Humans vs. Zombies (Photo credit: http://brittonpeele.com)

Ads—And you’ll probably encounter a few advertisements on TV with zombies in them. I’m not going to list the ones I have found. Sufficient is the fact you can go on YouTube and search for them with the keywords: Zombie Ads. Prepare to laugh and be informed.

Comics and Magazines—Zombie magazines are not new. I found an issue of Modern Zombie Magazine that goes back to May 1943. But here are just a few more titles to brighten up your day: Zombiepolitan, Zombie Weekly, Zombie Magazine, Meat: Zombies Are People Too, SFX Zombies, Zombies: An Illustrated History of the Undead, Zombie Pulp, Tales of the Zombie, Two-Fisted Zombies, and many, many more!

Anyway, I only provided a small list of where you can find zombies in the next little while. I’m sure you can find them in many more places on your own.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.

Are you looking forward to any upcoming zombie-themed events you’d like to share?

Posted in Freedom Friday

Stream of Consciousness

When I write a post for my Freedom Friday series, I always envision it to be a placeholder for my life’s little adventures. I also think of how it will best reflect fun, whereby you the reader can determine with your very own eyes that I, who has chosen to write in the zombie genre, am normal folk with the same dreams and aspirations as everyone else.

For this reason, I’m going to try something different this week. I’m going to write this post in stream of consciousness. What that means is whatever comes to mind is what will remain on the page. No editing. This will be a snapshot of how I think.

Now, I have a number of topics I prepared ahead of time to get my juices flowing. I’ll pick one at random. Since I have them written down, I’ll close my eyes and point a finger at one of them.

Done.

I’ve chosen a quote from one of my favorite movie characters of all time, Rocky Balboa:

Rocky Balboa
Rocky Balboa

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you!”

So many thoughts. Rushing. Here we go.

A football team can only take so many hits before they hit back. When they do, nothing can stand in their way. They will mow down their opponent until there is nothing left of them. Courage is not by honor but by strife. Winning happens when you go beyond yourself to achieve the unachievable. When someone asks, “Can it be done?” the answer should be, “My name is Affirmative Action. Nothing from heaven on high to the earth beneath my feet will prevent me from doing so.”

Taking the path of least resistance will only offer a temporary win. In the end it will cause you to fail. If everyone else is doing it, doesn’t mean you have to. Success does not come by sight but by mind.

But I’m too short. I’m too tall. I’m too fat. I’m too skinny. My father beats me. My mother is on drugs. My brothers and sisters hate me. I’m poor. My life is a mess. I can’t go on another day. Why me? Why, why, why me? What have I done to deserve this?

No one can defeat you. You can defeat yourself. Only you. No one can take away your right to be the best person you can be. Only you can do that.

Take flight on eagle’s wings. Soar above the multitude. Perch on the footstool of heaven overlooking the ordinary. Keep to the sky, never letting go of the dream to move others as you would have others move you.

Stir. Encourage. Inspire.

Give hope to where there is darkness. Raise those who are low. Make strong the weak. Give dignity to the mortified. Let there be such an explosion of joy from your heart that no one can deny the optimism that lives within you.

Should I attempt to write in stream of consciousness again in the future? Did any of what I’ve written make sense?

Posted in Women Who Wow Wednesday

Debra Barone

“Debra, Debra, lovely wife, why am I stuck with you for life?” So says Ray Barone, sports columnist for Newsday. Well, Ray, I wouldn’t say stuck, buddy. I would say blessed. Debra Barone’s the first comedic character I’m including in my Women Who Wow Wednesday series.

Debra Barone
Debra Barone

Strong-willed, temperamental, the ideal organizer—Debra Barone makes the perfect compliment to her otherwise silly husband, Ray. Played by Patricia Heaton on Everybody Loves Raymond, Debra is the homemaker who will take it and equally dish it out. In her family there is no dictator. She says what’s on her mind, and she’s never afraid to stand up for herself. How’s this for telling her husband how she feels? “You know what, I’m tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?”

Lovely Debra
Lovely Debra

Never one to pine away the hours in a depressed state of vomit-inducing withdrawal, Debra cleans, cooks, looks after the kids, takes them to their activities, does the laundry, does the dishes, hires exterminators, plans the family vacation, runs for school president and, and, and more. Nothing is too large a feat for her. She does it all. Ray may try to act manly and all, “Let’s try and get it spot free. This isn’t like at home where I let that stuff slide.” But in the end, Debra is the one who strikes fear in the hearts of men:

Debra: Where did you just come from?
Raymond: I went to the bathroom.
Debra: No, you didn’t.
Raymond: I’m doing it right now.

Debra’s mere height of 5′ 2″ doesn’t deter her willingness to fight Robert, Ray’s brother who stands 6′ 8½”:

Debra
Debra

Debra: Okay, Robert, listen. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself.
Robert: I’m not feeling sorry for myself.
Debra: Yes, you are. Spouting off at the family and insulting everybody. You just love playing the victim, don’t you?
Robert: OK, thank you, Debra. You can go back to being princess fabulosa now.
Debra: Hey, you better be nice to me, pal, because I’m the last person in the family that doesn’t wanna climb up there and strangle you!

But you know what? As strong as she is, she still cuts Ray some slack. Who else can put up with Ray’s greeting to his beloved wife? Precede these phrases with the customary “Hey, _______”:

Auntie Em, Baby, Baby-Bop, Baloney Bosoms, Banjo Pants, Blubber Head, Boobala, Bubble Wrap, Bully, Cap-a-Loo, Cheese Doodle, Clive, Cornflake, Cranapple, Crazy Broad, Darth Debra, Delilah, Eight Maids a Milkin’, Fat Legs, Girlie, Groucho, Honey, Honey-Bun, Hot Little Chuckle Monkey, Hot Mama, Hot Muscle Mama, Huck a Poo, Jambalaya, Jelly Cheeks, Krispy Creme, Lucky Pants, Ma’ Lady, Miss Hippy Go Free Free, Miss Smarty Pants, Miss Teen USA, Mommycakes, Moonshine, Mrs. Holey Moley, Muck-A-Luck, Nickel, Noodle, Pepper Squat, Pinky, Puddle Pants, Puka Shell, Pumpkin, Sister Girl, Skinny Girl, Slim Fast, Smelly Tramp, Sniggles, Snuggle Pants, Soda Pop, Squeezioli, Sweet Sister, Sweetie Pie, Sweetness, Swizzle, Teletubby, Thanksgiving Day Hooker, Tiny Dancer, Witchy-Poo, Your Highness.

Ray and Debra
Ray and Debra

In spite of the arguing, complaining, and explaining, Debra is your typical wife who achieves greatness with the ordinary. If she had a shotgun strapped to her thigh, she’d make the perfect zombie hunter.

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.

What do you like about Debra? What do you like about Everybody Loves Raymond?

Posted in Monday Mayhem

Zombie Emergency Kit

Here’s something you may not know. The CDC has a Zombie Preparedness page dedicated for when society falls apart and the zombie apocalypse takes over. I kid you not. It gets better. They even have a checklist of items one should gather prior to the occurrence of said zombie apocalypse.

CDC's Zombie Attack Banner
CDC’s Zombie Attack Banner

For Monday Mayhem, I thought I’d run through the list and provide you some insight into the value of some of those items. The CDC prepared the list as an all-hazards. In other words, if you have the items listed, you’d be able to survive a hurricane, tornado, earthquake or any other natural disaster. The thing is a zombie apocalypse is not a natural disaster. There are no guarantees of survival. But there are ways to increase the odds of living through it until such time a person finds a boat and heads to a deserted island off the coast of Hawaii. Or Fiji for that matter. Or Costa Rica.

Below is the CDC’s list. Let’s have some fun and tailor it specifically for a zombie infestation/infection, shall we? First, I’ve included some sarcastic helpful comments in [square brackets highlighted in royal blue]. Second, my very own list follows. You’ll notice my list is a tad shorter. What can I say? I’m a minimalist.

All-Hazards Emergency Kit

  • Water—one gallon per person, per day [A typical family of four would need 28 gallons per week (4×7. Unless you live in Utah where you’ll probably need 70 gallons a week). Since the zombie apocalypse will last longer, it’s not enough. Best start planning to buy a pool and fill it with drinking water.]
  • Food—nonperishable, easy-to-prepare items (minimum 3 day supply) [Again, see my comment above. Three days? Sure, if you’re planning to stay at a Disney resort. Quick solution: buy a farm.]
  • Flashlight [In the old days people knew how to make fire with sticks and use those sticks as torches. Not needed.]
  • Battery-powered or hand-crank radio (NOAA Weather Radio, if possible) [You’re kidding, right? Like there’s gonna be a radio station left with humans running it. Logic, people. Logic!]
  • Extra batteries [No flashlight. No use for batteries.]
  • CDC's Zombie Attack Poster
    CDC’s Zombie Attack Poster

    First aid kit (whistle, antibiotic ointment, bandages, face masks, gloves and reference book) [I happen to agree with this. Beside, you can use the face mask to spook the zombies (paint a pig snout on it).]

  • Medications (7 day supply and medicinal dispensers if necessary) [And after the seven days when the supply runs out, then what? That’s right, you’ll be looking for a refill. Here’s a better idea: rent an apartment above a pharmacy now. Then when you need the stuff, it’s only a few steps from home.]
  • Multipurpose supplies (wrench, pliers, plastic sheet, duct tape, scissors, matches) [Now we’re talking, although I don’t know if this stuff’s for an emergency or used to clean up a crime scene.]
  • Sanitation/personal hygiene items and bleach [Bleach? I just answered my own question above.]
  • Copies of personal documents (medication list and pertinent medical information, proof of address, deed/lease to home, passports, birth certificates, insurance policies) [Do you think it’ll really matter once everyone’s dead? Here’s a thought, you can use the papers to make a fire to keep you warm at night.]
  • Cell phone with charger [Who comes up with this stuff? Say it with me: no electricity, no cell phone service.]
  • Family Disaster Plan (family and emergency contact information) [My family’s plan: stay indoors. They can’t eat you if they can’t see you.]
  • Extra cash [Bahaha!!! Okay, okay, okay. Raise your hand if you’ve heard of the barter system.]
  • Emergency blanket, extra clothes, sleeping bag (1 for each person) [And what happens when you’re nicely tucked away in your sleeping bag, and you wake up with a zombie standing over you? Simple logic isn’t difficult to master.]
  • Map(s) of the area [Let me guess, use Google Maps on your cell phone.]

Jack Flacco’s Zombie Emergency Kit

  • Water, food, clothing and any other miscellaneous items—your neighbors will have many of these items available once they’ve turned into zombies
  • The only item on the list above left untouched: first aid kit (whistle, antibiotic ointment, bandages, face masks, gloves and reference book)
  • Multipurpose supplies (Louisville Slugger baseball bat, golf club, screwdriver, hammer, butcher knife, darts, picture frame wire, shards of glass)
  • Real paper map(s) of the area

RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.

How did I do? Did I miss anything on my list?