Every so often, I’ll watch a movie where a voracious entity of undead means traps a human victim in an ordinary area such as a garage with no way of defense. Most of the time I’m screaming at the TV with suggestions of how to kill the approaching beast. Grab the rake! Use the water hose! The garden shears are on the bench!
Are you Ready?
What would my Monday Mayhem feature be without having some fun with everyday household items that can also act as weapons against zombies? I touched on this subject once before in my post Saying No to Zombies, but I’ve always wanted to expand on it.
[Disclaimer: Please folks, this list is written entirely as satire in regards to fighting zombies. Don’t be stupid and attempt these with a human or any other living thing. It’s not only a dumb thing to do. It’s illegal.]
Here is my top 10 list of household items anyone can use to fend off an intruding zombie (in no particular order):
Knife—The simplest of utensils for cutting meats and vegetables can also function as a quick solution to a zombie problem. Always aim for the head. Never stab once. Multiple holes translate to multiple chances of killing the brain.
Fireplace Poker—A practical instrument for rotating wood in a fire, its pointed end will serve as the perfect answer to oncoming evil creatures. Its hook can also provide a means to catch an unsuspecting zombie, but no one want’s to do that. However, the easiest way to utilize this tool is to swat and swat hard. Remember the rule? Always aim for the head.
Snow Globe—These ornaments usually find themselves on bookshelves, nightstands, tables, fridges, and in some instances, bathrooms. These are the brute-force-approach type items. Meaning, the impact delivery system is directly proportionate to the amount of force applied by the defender on the zombie’s cerebellum or any other part of the rotting head. Much like the knife, the more blows delivered, the greater the chances of escaping.
Splinters—These suckers can come from anywhere. A desk drawer can turn into a pile of splinters if the correct amount of force distributes from drawer to wall. Even smashing a hardwood floor will yield splinters. Once in hand, they can work pretty much like knives (see above). The best part about splinters is their ability to break in chunks in order to lodge pieces in the zombie brain. Of the remnant, one can utilize to remove organs (i.e. eyes. A zombie that can’t see can’t eat.)
Weapons
Garden Hose—This neat little item can function on multiple levels. The water set at high pressure can disorient and confuse a zombie when shot in the face. The hose itself can also work as an instrument of strangulation. It will not kill it but it sure would be fun trying. In addition, used properly, the hose can work as a crude method for an explosive device. The simplest way is shoving the hose down the zombie’s throat and turning on the water. Within a matter of seconds the whole thing should blow.
Broom—A quick and dirty instrument of death to instill terror in the hearts of minions by utilizing its handle to poke, maim and kill. It is also useful for whacking brains from skulls until splatter designs appear on the surrounding walls and floor.
Glass—Found throughout the house, glass can provide the first line of defense against the ravenous undead. Holding a broken bottle by the neck will not threaten a zombie. Drilling it into its face will however force the zombie to step away enough for a rapid escape. Never underestimate the power of sand heated at high temperatures.
Salt—In ol’ zombie folklore, forcing a zombie to eat salt will cause the corpse to realize it’s dead and will head back to the grave. The question is how do you feed a zombie? I’d rather take a more aggressive approach with my zombie feedings. Grab a fistful of the white stuff and toss it in its face. If it doesn’t eat the salt, it will certainly lose a portion of its sight. At least I hope.
Chair—This is an easy item to use as it can function as not only defense against approaching gut suckers, pushing the chair in their faces, but also can serve the dual purpose of acting as a weapon, wailing on the undead until they’re completely dead.
Door—The trick to using a door as a weapon is getting a zombie to step into one. Easiest way to do this is offering bait, preferably a friend. Once it’s taken the bait, watch as it attempts to make its way into the room. Best practices involve utilizing the zombie’s own inertia when door makes contact with its body. If luck presents itself the beast will peek between the door and the doorframe, no hesitation should take place in regards to ramming door to stationary object. Ooze and blood trails will indicate success.
I’m sure there are many, many more utensils, tools and common every day items that can work to fight off a zombie infestation.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Do you have any suggestions of items you’d like to add to the list?
It’s raining here. I’m not sure what the weather will be like in a few weeks, but it’s been raining quite often this summer. I’m almost certain it’ll probably rain again when this publishes for my Freedom Friday post.
Storm clouds over our home (June 14, 2005)
Rain makes me nostalgic. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think about the bad stuff that’s happened in the past. I think about how things used to be, what my life was like at particular points in time. I think everyone goes through these self-reflective moods where we ponder on the wins and losses, the births and deaths, the joy and pain. In some respect, there’s that temptation to want to go back to those times to do things over in an effort to fix that of which we made a mess.
I understand that. I do. I think it’s a natural process in our makeup as humans that as we age, the inevitable reality reveals itself that we’re only on this earth for a certain time and we should make the most of what we’re given.
Maybe that last part didn’t make much sense. I don’t know. Maybe I’m talking gibberish again.
When I look back, I measure my life’s journey by the movies I’ve watched, the music I’ve listened to, and the people I’ve met. Whenever I think of having watched Titanic in the theater in 1998, I remember how I had long hair, a bit of an attitude, and I wasn’t about to let anyone tell me what I will do, should do, or have to do. At the same time, I remember this magical time when a spotlight shined on Celtic music. Since my wife is from Nova Scotia, I felt rather proud too that it was Ireland’s time.
Storm brewing over our neighborhood (June 14, 2005)
The little things also are what get me. I’ll be standing in line at the grocery store and an Eighties song would play in the background shooting me back to my teens when I had my whole life ahead of me with no cares in the world except maybe not having a date for Friday night and the homework assignment due on Monday.
What else was there? I’m certain it was not that acne blowout three minutes before going on stage for my student council acceptance speech.
During these summer months, I have a very strange ritual. It’s a strange ritual because I don’t think anyone else does this. Maybe they do, but I haven’t found anyone who does. If you’re one of those people, let me know. We can be strange together. When it rains, I walk outside in my bare feet and shorts, sit under the front canopy to my house and stretch my legs. I allow the water to pour on my feet. The more powerful the storm, the happier I get. And if lightening should crack in the sky, I’m in my element, grinning from ear to ear.
Didn’t I say it was a strange ritual? I’m not sure why something like a storm would bring such happiness. Maybe it goes with the nostalgia I feel in the rain.
Or maybe, I’m strange. Either way, I’m learning something new every day.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Do you ever get nostalgic? What is it that you think about?
Who? Yeah, that’s what I was hoping you’d ask. Haley Graham, super-pumped female gymnast who blows away the competition with genius tricks and phenomenal backbone. Keeping it real, she and her crew take no prisoners. Today, she’s burning treads on Women Who Wow Wednesday.
Haley Graham
You say you haven’t seen Stick It? There’s no excuse. Get it. The girls in the film are those who zombies would fear. They wouldn’t even need shotguns. All they’d need is a pair of leos to bust some bones. With gymnastics described more as a car race, you’ll love the lingo:
Burt Vickerman: You’re popping your clutch, losing traction. Haley Graham: I’m not popping [censored] Burt Vickerman: Are you sure? Haley Graham: I’m so sure I’m practically deodorant.
Haley Graham (played by Canadian actress Missy Peregrym) gets caught busting up a new model home with her bike. The judge gives her a choice: boot camp or VGA. No way is she goin’ to VGA. Boot camp. The judge begs to differ. VGA it is.
Missy Peregrym as Haley Graham
VGA—The Vickerman Gymnastics Academy—notorious for turning little girls into elite gymnasts at the cost of injuries. What did Haley get herself into? There are over 2000 navy seals in the U.S. There are only 200 elite gymnasts. The price? Six-hour days training tricks that could kill you.
Haley’s philosophy is simple: “If you’re gonna eat mat, you eat mat hard.” And why not? If you’re going to do something, you do it to win. No half-hearted attempts. No one remembers second best. But Vickerman (Jeff Bridges), coach extraordinaire, doesn’t want Haley eatin’ mat. He asks, “Are you gonna learn to control your tricks or do we need to have an ambulance on call?” As if Haley would respond to a rational argument, “Call ‘em up.”
And what does she think of her training with Vickerman?
Gymnastics tells you no. All day long. It mocks you over and over again. Telling you you’re an idiot. That you’re crazy. If you like running full-speed towards a stationary object, vault’s for you. If you like pealing pieces of skin the size of quarters off your hands, bars is for you. If you like falling, then gymnastics is the sport for you! You get to fall on your face. Your ass. Your back. Your knees. And your pride! It’s a good thing I didn’t like falling… I LOVED IT!
Training
Her fire for perseverance and thunder for winning infects the entire team with wild results. Pretty soon, the other girls are popping their clutch.
Defiance
Yet Haley’s not all about Haley. When one of her teammates gets trashed by the judges ‘cause her bra strap is showing, Haley’s defiance proves incendiary with the other gymnasts. Screaming full speed toward the vault, she stops short of busting her trick, pops on the apparatus, exposes her bra straps, and purposely scratches on her attempt.
Burt Vickerman: Wait. Next time you should stick your tongue out too. Haley Graham: I would, but my coach likes it when I control my tricks.
Haley’s move gives the gold to her teammate since all the other gymnasts scratched on all their vault attempts as well.
The VGA Team
That’s what Haley’s all about, not to prove she’s the best, but sticking it so the team would be the true winner in the end.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Have you ever sacrificed something you wanted for the good of someone or something else?
In April, I featured a post for Monday Mayhem called Zombie Movies. Many of my readers enjoyed the films I had chosen, adding their own suggestions to the list of works I could highlight for a future post. Well, this is the future post. As part of this list, I’m including two new entries to the zombie genre. One film had released late last year to positive reviews and the other is still in theaters. Don’t worry I won’t give away any spoilers.
World War Z
World War Z—For us zombie lovers, this movie, by far, is the movie of the year. Still playing in theaters, still making money and still thrilling audiences over, the story is the brainchild of Max Brooks, son to funnyman Mel Brooks who directed Young Frankenstein, another movie about a dead guy coming back to life, but in a more affable state (yes—that was one long sentence). Although the movie is nothing like the book, the film features something other zombie movies have only hinted, fast zombies. I’m talking about freaks of nature you’d dare not mess with. The movie itself is an instant classic benefiting from multiple viewings. There’s just too much to absorb in a single viewing.
28 Weeks Later
28 Weeks Later—The Rage virus that ravaged London took its toll in 28 Days Later. Six months later, the U.S. army gets involved in the quarantine of the city and the rebuilding process. Little does anyone know a carrier of the virus enters the city limits and aids in the final decimation of the population. Believe me, if you’ve seen the first movie, this second one is much of the same. The enjoyment of this film is watching how good intentions cause the greatest misery.
Dawn of the Dead
Dawn of the Dead—In this original George A. Romero 1978 vehicle, the zombies had less intelligence and moved slower. One could duck and crawl to safety without worrying the zombies will catch their victim. The big thing about these zombies is their tenacity. Once one of them finds a human, you’d best be sure a crowd would soon follow. It’s also a joy seeing how the survivors manage to handle their situation in a closed and confined area, a mall. The funniest segment, though, has to be the precious scene where the survivors hunt zombies to the rhythm of circus music (merry-go-round music).
Night of the Living Dead
Night of the Living Dead—First of all, this movie is incredibly low budget. Mind you, this is not a bad thing. For the Sixties, there were many big budget bombs, and when this movie hit the scene, no one knew what to make of it. The general premise has the recently deceased rise due to satellite radiation. The dead attack a barn, rather, the people in the barn, as they attempt to get at the victims’ brains. Another George A. Romero film, which some consider started the zombie tales, myths and legends of old. Forty-five years later, no true zombie fan should miss this zombie classic.
Return of the Living Dead
Return of the Living Dead—The movie’s catch phrase should tell you the whole story, “They’re back from the grave and ready to party!” This is a movie for a Friday night with lots of friends, snacks and conversation. It’s worth watching for its B-movie entertainment value. This time, the zombies rise from a deadly gas accidentally released by a couple of bumbling medical supply warehouse employees.
Warm Bodies
Warm Bodies—Not wanting to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it, this is the zombie genre’s answer to Twilight. Kind of like Romeo & Juliet, teenagers in love, having nothing but their whole life ahead of them. Can it be any sweeter? It could, if it weren’t for all the zombies getting in the way.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Can you think of other zombie movies I could have included in the list?
Since everyone’s still in a holiday mood, us Canadians having celebrated Canada Day on the first, and Americans Independence Day on the fourth, I thought I’d go easy on everyone. How about if I use Freedom Friday to show you some of my favorite moments?
I’ve been taking digital photographs for over nine years. I have 14,306 photos. Most of them shot in the early years. Some may ask how I keep them organized. Easy, I have an application that catalogs all of my memories in neat stacks of craziness. Believe me, just because I have over 14,000 photos doesn’t mean I’m a genius photographer. I may have deleted twice that amount in an effort to keep the very best. So, yes, over 28,000 photos may have bit the dust in cyberspace somewhere between my camera and the digital garbage heap called the delete key.
Below are some of my treasured memories of Canada Day with stories attached. I hope you enjoy them!
Major Surgery
July 1, 2004—Here is my youngest son after having blown his knee (gotta love mommy tending after him). Uh, not the first time. During the course of several years, my beloved, accident-prone progeny had a few close calls with broken limbs, a finger trapped in a dust mop (long story), a second shy from being electrocuted, and several stitches sewn on his still-growing cheek. In this photo, he fell, scraping his knee. Honestly, it’s the tamest of injuries he’s experienced in his young life.
Main Street
July 1, 2008—I find it amazing to look at these old photos knowing I shot them, and have them as a record of a time once spent. This particularly is the best portrayal of how we celebrate Canada Day. My family and I park the car near the town library and walk to Main Street. This is where it all happens. If you look up Main, not only is our clock tower visible, but you’ll also see a river of red. Our flags are red and white, but during this holiday, everyone wears red. If you’ve ever heard of the term “red coats”, we were the red coats.
Canada Flag
July 1, 2009—I’m a proud Canadian. Really, I am. I love saying “eh” after my sentences, having a beaver on my nickel, and calling our dollar coin loonie and two-dollar coin toonie. There’s something to say about our culture when our packaging is bilingual, and a whole province speaks French. Others may call us Canadians Looney Tunes, but in some circles, we definitely know how to stand out. Check out the hand-painted Canada Flag in our town’s park and lake setting.
Canon Firing Prep.
July 1, 2011—Moving equipment into position, folks dressed in full wartime regalia prepare for the town’s annual canon blast. It’s a one-of-a-kind event featured in local newspapers and magazines in our region. I gotta tell ya, it’s something to experience. When standing there fifteen feet from the blast, it’s like feeling a massive burst run through the chest that pushes the innards backward until there’s nothing left. It’s that powerful. I tend to plug my ears, and wait until I feel the shockwave hit. What an exhilarating feeling.
Fireworks
July 1, 2012—Of course what would Canada Day be without fireworks? There’s something amazing about the bright lights and awesome sound of explosions in the air. Amid the haze of mosquitoes, we usually park at the train station lot, a few minutes from our home in farm country to enjoy the show. Since I live in a small town, an hour north of Toronto, we usually recognize everyone there. We’re a tight-knit community and the fireworks makes for a nice cap to the evening’s festivities.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
If you were fortunate enough to celebrate a day off this week, what did you enjoy most about it?
The first time I’d watched The Sopranos, a scene from one episode on a free pay TV weekend here in Canada, I didn’t know what it was. I thought of it as some goofy comedy I’d surfed to on my way to watching Everybody Loves Raymond. It wasn’t until the fall of 2000, when CTV, one of our national networks, decided to broadcast the entire series uncut, that I took interest.
Being Italian-Canadian, I felt the show typified, with realism, how I grew up in the rough part of the city. Back then, you either held your own or became the punching bag for those who needed to prove their worth to society. I didn’t need to prove anything. I knew who I was.
Some critics had panned The Sopranos for its often-brutal display of violence, nudity and coarse language. When reading their reviews, it became obvious those critics did not grow up on the streets, and had privileged lives in some Ivy League institution.
What I like most about The Sopranos is its portrayal of life being Italian-American. The food, the characters’ mannerisms, the dialect language, the food, the gorgeous vistas of Italy, the large families, the weddings, the food, all make up our culture in an extraordinary way.
Portrait
At the center of every Italian family, keeping it together, ensuring we remain in contact with one another, that we don’t forget about each other in the good times, is mamma. In The Sopranos, mamma is Carmela Soprano, Tony’s wife. Since the events of the past few weeks are still fresh in everyone’s mind, I thought I’d include Carmela in my Women Who Wow Wednesday series.
Tony and Carmela married young. They were high school sweethearts who went to Montclair State University until dropping out. She’s a devout Roman Catholic who has issues with Tony’s dealings in the underworld. She feels he trusts her enough to confide in her with very limited “family” information. But her main focus is her own family, even if Tony’s behavior, running off at all hours of the night, threatens their marriage.
Although Carmela’s nature is that of a materialistic hoarder, in her loneliest times, when Tony’s not there to pay attention to her, she attempts to remain close to her faith. Despite her behavior, getting too close to other men in a play of sensual tension, she remains loyal to Tony. It isn’t until Tony admits to multiple affairs that she kicks him out of the house. Imagine that, Carmela Soprano kicks out her mob boss husband who in an instant could have her disappear into nothingness.
Regardless of what anyone might think of Carmela, she tries her best to live a life befitting the morals given to her by her loving parents and faith. She loves her children very much and keeps them safe, even brandishing an AK-47 if she hears an intruder at the window.
Whatever anyone says about The Sopranos, Carmela proves life in isolation can have a positive impact, in particular, the children.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Have you ever seen The Sopranos? How has James Gandolfini’s death affected you?
I tend to ask silly questions, questions people avoid asking because it either may prompt a negative reaction or actually provoke discussion. Now you’re wondering what the question is.
Zombie Experiment NYC (Photo credit: AMC)
What will it take to horrify people?
In my Monday Mayhem series, I’ve always included something to stir an emotional response. Given I’m writing horror in the context of terror, I wonder many times what horrifies a person.
Alfred Hitchcock was a master of suspense. He once explained how a person simply sitting in a chair could turn into a scene filled with anxiety and breathless moments. Of course, it’s not very suspenseful when someone sits in a chair. It’s actually quite boring, to say the least. But, as he once said, place a bomb under that chair, all of a sudden the scene becomes interesting, suspenseful and replete with horror. Will the person remain calm? Will they run? Will they try to defuse the bomb? What will run through their mind during the last seconds of their life? How did it get there? Who put it there? Why did this person have to be the one sitting there?
Alfred Hitchcock
Once again, I ask, what will it take to horrify people?
I’m an avid YouTube watcher. I have several set-top devices that can stream video directly to my TV or display device. Most of my viewing, though, happens on my computer. I enjoy searching for fascinating videos I feel no one else has seen before.
The other day, I came across a genre of videos I first found funny but under later analysis found equally shocking. They are zombie pranks. You can search for it yourself and you will see a multitude of content specifically geared toward humor.
The very first video I saw Zombie Experiment NYC deals with zombies roaming the streets of New York City. If you’re thinking actors in zombie suits and makeup, you must’ve seen it before. The video quality and presentation is top-notch. I later found AMC produced it as their answer to Dish Network’s removal of its network.
What I find utterly fascinating is the reaction of people on the streets to these zombies. Some are dressed in city worker clothes, much of their costumes authentic, dripping in blood, skin in pieces, yet some folk do not react at all to the zombie invasion. Seriously—I write about zombies, and if one of these actors approaches me with death in their eyes and hunger in their jaw, I’d run for the hills!
Another video I found is London Zombie Prank. It’s one guy in London dressed as one of the undead, blood and all, horrifying the British in their parks, streets and historical sites. Funny stuff. But, again, what if the guy was real? I saw folks laughing at the thing. One fellow ran after the zombie. No fear.
The last video, which I will not link to, had a guy in a zombie outfit crawling into the middle of dimly lit road from a cemetery. You read that right. Cars passed, yet no one hit him. He should be thankful.
I’m not sure what to make of the reactions of the people in the videos. Perhaps laughter is the body’s mechanism to cope with shock and disbelief. Perhaps standing around doing nothing in a horrifying situation is the mind’s way of shutting down to other gruesome acts. Not sure. Or is it we’ve become so desensitized that we recognize truth from fiction? Your guess is as good as mine.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
What will it take to horrify people? Have you ever played a prank on someone?
Looking to God 