Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness. (Matthew 6:33)
Author: Jack Flacco
Jack Flacco is an author and the founder of Looking to God Ministries, an organization dedicated to spreading the Word of God through outreach programs, literature and preaching.
“Debra, Debra, lovely wife, why am I stuck with you for life?” So says Ray Barone, sports columnist for Newsday. Well, Ray, I wouldn’t say stuck, buddy. I would say blessed. Debra Barone’s the first comedic character I’m including in my Women Who Wow Wednesday series.
Debra Barone
Strong-willed, temperamental, the ideal organizer—Debra Barone makes the perfect compliment to her otherwise silly husband, Ray. Played by Patricia Heaton on Everybody Loves Raymond, Debra is the homemaker who will take it and equally dish it out. In her family there is no dictator. She says what’s on her mind, and she’s never afraid to stand up for herself. How’s this for telling her husband how she feels? “You know what, I’m tired! Could you just call yourself an idiot?”
Lovely Debra
Never one to pine away the hours in a depressed state of vomit-inducing withdrawal, Debra cleans, cooks, looks after the kids, takes them to their activities, does the laundry, does the dishes, hires exterminators, plans the family vacation, runs for school president and, and, and more. Nothing is too large a feat for her. She does it all. Ray may try to act manly and all, “Let’s try and get it spot free. This isn’t like at home where I let that stuff slide.” But in the end, Debra is the one who strikes fear in the hearts of men:
Debra: Where did you just come from? Raymond: I went to the bathroom. Debra: No, you didn’t. Raymond: I’m doing it right now.
Debra’s mere height of 5′ 2″ doesn’t deter her willingness to fight Robert, Ray’s brother who stands 6′ 8½”:
Debra
Debra: Okay, Robert, listen. Stop feeling so sorry for yourself. Robert: I’m not feeling sorry for myself. Debra: Yes, you are. Spouting off at the family and insulting everybody. You just love playing the victim, don’t you? Robert: OK, thank you, Debra. You can go back to being princess fabulosa now. Debra: Hey, you better be nice to me, pal, because I’m the last person in the family that doesn’t wanna climb up there and strangle you!
But you know what? As strong as she is, she still cuts Ray some slack. Who else can put up with Ray’s greeting to his beloved wife? Precede these phrases with the customary “Hey, _______”:
Auntie Em, Baby, Baby-Bop, Baloney Bosoms, Banjo Pants, Blubber Head, Boobala, Bubble Wrap, Bully, Cap-a-Loo, Cheese Doodle, Clive, Cornflake, Cranapple, Crazy Broad, Darth Debra, Delilah, Eight Maids a Milkin’, Fat Legs, Girlie, Groucho, Honey, Honey-Bun, Hot Little Chuckle Monkey, Hot Mama, Hot Muscle Mama, Huck a Poo, Jambalaya, Jelly Cheeks, Krispy Creme, Lucky Pants, Ma’ Lady, Miss Hippy Go Free Free, Miss Smarty Pants, Miss Teen USA, Mommycakes, Moonshine, Mrs. Holey Moley, Muck-A-Luck, Nickel, Noodle, Pepper Squat, Pinky, Puddle Pants, Puka Shell, Pumpkin, Sister Girl, Skinny Girl, Slim Fast, Smelly Tramp, Sniggles, Snuggle Pants, Soda Pop, Squeezioli, Sweet Sister, Sweetie Pie, Sweetness, Swizzle, Teletubby, Thanksgiving Day Hooker, Tiny Dancer, Witchy-Poo, Your Highness.
Ray and Debra
In spite of the arguing, complaining, and explaining, Debra is your typical wife who achieves greatness with the ordinary. If she had a shotgun strapped to her thigh, she’d make the perfect zombie hunter.
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
What do you like about Debra? What do you like about Everybody Loves Raymond?
Here’s something you may not know. The CDC has a Zombie Preparedness page dedicated for when society falls apart and the zombie apocalypse takes over. I kid you not. It gets better. They even have a checklist of items one should gather prior to the occurrence of said zombie apocalypse.
CDC’s Zombie Attack Banner
For Monday Mayhem, I thought I’d run through the list and provide you some insight into the value of some of those items. The CDC prepared the list as an all-hazards. In other words, if you have the items listed, you’d be able to survive a hurricane, tornado, earthquake or any other natural disaster. The thing is a zombie apocalypse is not a natural disaster. There are no guarantees of survival. But there are ways to increase the odds of living through it until such time a person finds a boat and heads to a deserted island off the coast of Hawaii. Or Fiji for that matter. Or Costa Rica.
Below is the CDC’s list. Let’s have some fun and tailor it specifically for a zombie infestation/infection, shall we? First, I’ve included some sarcastic helpful comments in [square brackets highlighted in royal blue]. Second, my very own list follows. You’ll notice my list is a tad shorter. What can I say? I’m a minimalist.
All-Hazards Emergency Kit
Water—one gallon per person, per day [A typical family of four would need 28 gallons per week (4×7. Unless you live in Utah where you’ll probably need 70 gallons a week). Since the zombie apocalypse will last longer, it’s not enough. Best start planning to buy a pool and fill it with drinking water.]
Food—nonperishable, easy-to-prepare items (minimum 3 day supply) [Again, see my comment above. Three days? Sure, if you’re planning to stay at a Disney resort. Quick solution: buy a farm.]
Flashlight [In the old days people knew how to make fire with sticks and use those sticks as torches. Not needed.]
Battery-powered or hand-crank radio (NOAA Weather Radio, if possible) [You’re kidding, right? Like there’s gonna be a radio station left with humans running it. Logic, people. Logic!]
Extra batteries [No flashlight. No use for batteries.]
CDC’s Zombie Attack Poster
First aid kit (whistle, antibiotic ointment, bandages, face masks, gloves and reference book) [I happen to agree with this. Beside, you can use the face mask to spook the zombies (paint a pig snout on it).]
Medications (7 day supply and medicinal dispensers if necessary) [And after the seven days when the supply runs out, then what? That’s right, you’ll be looking for a refill. Here’s a better idea: rent an apartment above a pharmacy now. Then when you need the stuff, it’s only a few steps from home.]
Multipurpose supplies (wrench, pliers, plastic sheet, duct tape, scissors, matches) [Now we’re talking, although I don’t know if this stuff’s for an emergency or used to clean up a crime scene.]
Sanitation/personal hygiene items and bleach [Bleach? I just answered my own question above.]
Copies of personal documents (medication list and pertinent medical information, proof of address, deed/lease to home, passports, birth certificates, insurance policies) [Do you think it’ll really matter once everyone’s dead? Here’s a thought, you can use the papers to make a fire to keep you warm at night.]
Cell phone with charger [Who comes up with this stuff? Say it with me: no electricity, no cell phone service.]
Family Disaster Plan (family and emergency contact information) [My family’s plan: stay indoors. They can’t eat you if they can’t see you.]
Extra cash [Bahaha!!! Okay, okay, okay. Raise your hand if you’ve heard of the barter system.]
Emergency blanket, extra clothes, sleeping bag (1 for each person) [And what happens when you’re nicely tucked away in your sleeping bag, and you wake up with a zombie standing over you? Simple logic isn’t difficult to master.]
Map(s) of the area [Let me guess, use Google Maps on your cell phone.]
Jack Flacco’s Zombie Emergency Kit
Water, food, clothing and any other miscellaneous items—your neighbors will have many of these items available once they’ve turned into zombies
The only item on the list above left untouched: first aid kit (whistle, antibiotic ointment, bandages, face masks, gloves and reference book)
Multipurpose supplies (Louisville Slugger baseball bat, golf club, screwdriver, hammer, butcher knife, darts, picture frame wire, shards of glass)
Real paper map(s) of the area
RANGER MARTIN AND THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE, on sale October 22.
Living near the Canadian/U.S. border affords my family the perfect strategic point of departure for our vacations. Two hours away is the U.S. A couple of days’ journey we’re on the East Coast. Freedom Friday provides me the opportunity to share some of the vacation destinations we’re thinking about traveling to this summer.
Old Montreal / Place Jacques-Cartier – Vieux-Montréal
In the past few years, our vacations consisted of visiting my wife’s family in Nova Scotia. If you’ve never been there, I suggest you hightail it over and enjoy some East Coast hospitality. When I went there for the first time to meet my future in-laws, I barely had enough time to see the splendor that Dartmouth and Halifax had to offer. It wasn’t until later years that I’d fallen to appreciate Citadel Hill, Peggy’s Cove, and the incredible view of the Atlantic Ocean.
We wanted to try something different this year, something closer to home, in fact. We didn’t want to take away from our weekend getaway destinations (Barrie, Ontario in the spring and Niagara Falls in the autumn), but we didn’t want to trek far either. Ah, the joys of travel, eh?
Rideau Canal overlooking the Ottawa River
Two locations came to mind: Montreal, Quebec and Ottawa, Ontario. From our numerous journeys passing through these cities on our way to the East Coast, the idea grabbed hold of wanting to visit there one day.
Montreal is an amazing city I would recommend to anyone who is looking to enhance their cultural experience. The majority of its residence speaks French. I can get by ordering dinner, taking care of our accommodations, and asking for directions. It’s with the complicated matters I slip back into English, hoping the person I’m talking to will feel that I tried my best communicating with them in their own language. I’ve never had a problem. They’re great and a very warm people.
The hospitality in Montreal is equally amazing. One year, staying overnight, the hotel we’d chosen was reminiscent of an old-style ship. The hallways had portholes painted on the walls, railings affixed underneath. I felt as if I was on the Titanic, which incidentally was the top grossing movie of all time the year before. Coincidence? I think not. Nonetheless, the rooms had plush pillows, a spacious bathroom, generous closet space, and all the frills anyone could ask of a room. The hotel staff was superb with all our requests.
Which leaves Ottawa, our nation’s capital. We’ve never been. Not even overnight as we’ve done with Montreal. So, this may actually be where we’ll end up this summer. Having a peek at the vacation packages available online, I see a few attractions we may benefit from such as Rideau Canal, Parliament Hill, Canadian War Museum, Ottawa River Parkway, Canada Aviation and Space Museum, Notre Dame Basilica, National Gallery of Canada, National War Memorial, Peace Tower, Changing of the Guard, Laurier House, Rideau Hall, National Arts Centre, etc.
I’m excited already! This trip is a homeschooler’s delight, and I can’t wait!
Of all the women I’ve written about for my series Women Who Wow Wednesday, Gone with the Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara has to be the only one who stokes fear in my heart. She is the perfect incarnation of the devil himself on this earth. Yes, them’s fightin’ words. No, I ain’t takin’m back.
Scarlett O’Hara
What could be so horrific about a woman wanting to ensure her survival by swearing an oath? “As God is my witness, as God is my witness they’re not going to lick me. I’m going to live through this and when it’s all over, I’ll never be hungry again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.”
To understand the villainy behind this woman, let me transport you to the Ol’ South. To a time when blacks were slaves and the aristocrats ruled the land with a rod of iron.
Katie Scarlett (Vivien Leigh), as everyone knows her, is all but sixteen when she sets her eyes on neighbor Ashley Wilkes (Leslie Howard). In all of the county, and of all of the girls, she is the prettiest. Yet her beauty comes with a price. Inside, she is vain, self-centered, and somewhat spoiled. As intelligent as she is, she can flip into becoming babyish and overthink the little things.
Now, as for Scarlett’s fancy for Ashley, in private quarters, she declares her love for him. But Ashley intends to marry Melanie Hamilton (Olivia de Havilland), Scarlett’s cousin. This doesn’t sit well with Scarlett. Not one bit. She berates him. How dare he make her believe he loved her? So enraged, when he leaves the parlor, she swears she would hate him forever and throws a vase at the wall. At this point, Rhett Butler (Clark Gable), a visitor from South Carolina, emerges from behind the couch. He wonders if the war had started. Well, Scarlett wasn’t going to have any of his disrespect and defends Ashley, who moments ago she’d cut down to a nub. Her strong-willed nature prompts Rhett to pursue the wild-tempered woman. At the same time, Scarlett finds Rhett liberating.
Scarlett
Once the war is over, Scarlett’s heart hardens. The insecurities she felt growing up come back to haunt her as she battles her fear of homelessness and starvation. Money becomes her god, and she turns to questionable business practices to get ahead. This leads her to pursue high profit margins at the expense of forced labor.
All very well and fine in business, but her family life, and the loss of her true self catches up with her. Melanie dies leaving Scarlett to pine for Ashley’s affection once again. A broken man, Ashley tells Scarlett that Melanie was always his true love. He never loved Scarlett. In the meantime, Rhett leaves Scarlett because he realizes she never really loved him. To make matters worse, Scarlett now understands she’s loved Rhett right from the beginning.
Complicated, isn’t it?
The thing that makes Scarlett is Scarlett. No one else matters in her world except Scarlett. That’s what scares me the most about her. That’s why I placed her in the Women Who Wow Wednesday series. She’s on the opposite end of the spectrum of righteousness. I say wow! because of her inordinate talent for survival. I also say wow! because in her world, no one else matters. She’s headstrong, indifferent, and cares less about anyone who’d dare become friends with her.
Meet Scarlett O’Hara, Women Who Wow Wednesday’s first true villain.
An economic theory of sorts caught my attention the other day I thought I’d share. The theory goes something like this: when the economy does well, zombies rule. When the economy flounders, vampires seize the reigns. What better way to add to my Monday Mayhem series than to introduce a discussion of money, zombies and vampires?
Pontypool
It started with an article I came across on one of these financial sites, on my way to explore for another post I was working on. Funny how these things work. Whenever I’m looking for something to supplement a current post, something else hits me square between the eyes to prevent me from completing my research. Nonetheless, I can see how the theory came to be.
I’m writing this as is, without much commentary. I’ll provide the examples (including movie posters) more as a guide, but you can draw your own conclusions. Suffice it to say, some daring economists have already written about this before, plotting the rise and fall of zombies and vampires against fluctuations in the Dow Jones Industrial average.
Here’s my take on the theory…
Zombies, by nature, consume anything and everything. They have no sense of self-restraint. If they see something consumable, they will eat it. Nothing in their path is safe. Every so often, they lay dormant, waiting for their next big feast. As sharks frenzy, so do zombies when they spot a sure thing. Whatever obstacle may block their path, they quickly dismantle. In large groups, zombies are unstoppable.
Warm Bodies
So is the zombie economic model. During a recovery, consumers freely purchase having no self-restraint. A new bike? Buy it. A new car. Buy it. A new house? Yep—buy it! Everything catches their eye as fair game. There may be lulls where they seem to have satisfied their cravings, but they’re waiting for the euphoria to catch again. And if it’s Black Friday or Bargain Tuesdays at the local electronics shop, look out. Nothing will stand in their way to get to that big screen TV. In groups, consumers can ravage a store in seconds.
Vampires, on the other hand, are subtle hunters, choosing deception as their ally. They crave blood. When they satisfy their craving, they recede into the shadows. The strong and weak is no match for their cunning. Patience is part of their nature. Once they spot a target, they will stalk it until the time is right for the kill. They appear as human but their innards make them soulless creatures.
Twilight
And so is the vampire economy. When times are tough, consumers are a guilt-ridden, crafty lot, choosing to talk their way into a deal. They take a tally of how well they’re doing by how well they’re saving. Sticker price means nothing to them. If it says $10, they’ll negotiate for $9 hoping to get it for $9.50. Large companies, small shops, makes no difference. They’ll wait. A deal is bound to come their way. When they see it, they’ll move in for the kill. If someone else spots it, they’ll push their way to get there first. Even if it means spilling blood.
Did you know avocados are a fruit? I didn’t know that for a long time. Much like tomatoes, they have a seed inside. According to science, that’s what makes it a fruit. In cooking, however, it’s a different matter. Served in delicious savory meals, chefs define it more as a vegetable. Avocados also provide an enjoyable snack for the health conscious.
Avocado & Lemon
For my Freedom Friday series, I would like to show you how easy it is to make avocados a part of a nutritious, balanced diet.
When my wife first introduced avocados in our diet a few years ago, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. I trusted her sense of flavor, but as in all things borne from the unknown, I still had my reservations. She got the idea from watching someone. And one day she brought a bag full of the Persea americana from the grocery store. From there, as my sense of curiosity got the best of me, she went on to show me how to eat it.
This is the easiest avocado recipe in the world. Anyone can make it. With a handful of ingredients, guaranteed you’ll like it too!
Ingredients:
1 avocado
1 lemon (you really don’t need a whole lemon, or half a lemon for that matter)
salt
Directions:
Cut the avocado lengthwise exposing the seed as an oval. I usually use a steak knife, but you can use any ol’ knife. Just make sure it’s sharp and can penetrate the avocado’s hard skin. To remove the seed, I always stab it in the center with the knife, jostle it a bit, and it should pop right out of there.
Once you’ve removed the seed, with the same knife gently poke holes into the avocado’s meat. They don’t have to go all the way to the bottom. And you don’t have to poke a million holes. Just enough for the next step.
Squeeze some lemon on the meat. All that lemon juice will then seep into the holes from the previous step. This way a balanced coat of flavor covers the meat.
Sprinkle salt to taste
Avocado Ingredients & Utensils
To eat it, all you need is a spoon. Believe me when I say it’s a refreshingly delicious snack!
For those wondering the health benefits of avocados:
If there were a word to describe the dark-haired beauty Karen Allen played in Raiders of the Lost Ark, it would be feisty. I could have chosen fiery, but fiery gives the connotation she has a temper, something I’d attribute to any Molly Ringwald character from the ‘80s. No, feisty’s more like it. Besides, what better way to add another entry to my Women Who Wow Wednesday series than to feature the feisty love interest of Indiana Jones?
Indiana Jones’ Marion
The first time we meet the character Marion Ravenwood is in the movie Raiders of the Lost Ark. Indiana Jones, the adventurous archeologist, visits her in Nepal. Before he enters the scene, she has her hands full in an all-out drinking game. There must have been at least twenty or thirty shot glasses on her side of the table. Whatever the amount, she easily out drinks this burly beast of a man who passes out as a token to her win.
When Indiana Jones shows up, the smile on her face couldn’t be bigger. Long lost love. Past moments. Regrets. This is how it all went down:
Indiana: Hello, Marion.
Marion: Indiana Jones. I always knew some day you’d come walking back through my door. I never doubted that. Something made it inevitable. So, what are you doing here in Nepal?
Indiana: I need one of the pieces your father collected.
[Marion surprises him with a right cross to the jaw]
Marion: I’ve learned to hate you in the last ten years!
Indiana: I never meant to hurt you.
Marion: I was a child. I was in love. It was wrong and you knew it!
Indiana: You knew what you were doing.
Marion: Now I do. This is my place. Get out!
Feisty much? Never one to fold, Marion digs her heels.
Indiana: I can only say I’m sorry so many times.
Marion: Well, say it again anyway!
Indiana: Sorry.
Marion Ravenwood
Unfortunately, her bar goes up in smoke when a firefight breaks out between Indiana and the Nazis looking for the same artifact. Seeking payment for the destruction of her place from her former lover, Indiana becomes her new partner.
From there they travel to Tanis, Egypt where Marion finds herself threatened by a knife-wielding hood, is captured by the Nazis, attempts to escape, gets interrogated, is left for dead in an ancient Egyptian tomb with Indiana, fights a brood of snakes, escapes again (this time with Indy), and manages to thwart the transport of the ark to Cairo by single-handedly commandeering a plane and firing its machine guns on the Nazis. Whew!
This girl never lets up! Marion can find herself in the worst possible scenario, and no matter what, she’ll find a way to make it all better. Nothing seems to throw her in the dumps. She’s a fireball of energy. A spitfire of a maiden. A true-to-form overcomer. If anyone needs help, it’ll be the other guy because she’s the one who’ll cause the trouble.
Indiana Jones, you’ve met your match.
Ever see Raiders of the Lost Ark? What did you think of Marion?
Looking to God 